Steve Lackmeyer has a really strange article over at NewsOK.com. It’s quite short, yet all over the map and doesn’t seem to make a whole lot of sense. At the beginning of the article, Lackmeyer reveals that he’s part of an e-mail list that features “Oklahoma City’s wealthiest and most powerful residents.” Strangely, we at The Lost Ogle have yet to be invited to join this list, so if one of the rich and powerful out there could drop us a line, that’d be great.

Apparently the genesis of this e-mail list was the desire to come up with a catchphrase for OKC, a way of attracting out-of-staters to the city. This is, of course, a horrible idea. Nicknames and slogans cannot be invented like this. They have to be organic, not forced. Chicago is called the Windy City, and to this day historians debate whether this is because of the actual wind or politicians who wouldn’t shut up.

The first suggestion from one of these OKC power-players was: “Oklahoma City: The best of what America used to be… and can be again.” This is perhaps the worst idea for a slogan that I have ever heard in my life. It’s at least seven or eight words too long, makes it sound like OKC hasn’t moved into the 21st century, and has a friggin’ pause in the middle of it. When coming up with a catchphrase, I’ve found that it is generally beneficial to have it actually be catchy, and also it’s better not to be incredibly condescending to the rest of the country.

The other suggestions were not much better: “Oklahoma — The Essence of America,” “Oklahoma — Home of the American Dream,” “Oklahoma — America at it’s Best,” and “The Big Friendly” have absolutely zero chance of becoming household nicknames like “The Big Apple” or “The City of Brotherly Love” or “Biggest Little City in the World.”

I figured that we here at The Lost Ogle and our incredibly attractive and intelligent readers could come up with many better ideas for Oklahoma City catchphrases. Here are a few ideas:

Oklahoma City: We’re a Major League City. Really, I promise. We are. Please, please acknowledge this.

Oklahoma: Like the Musical, Only With More Tornadoes

Oklahoma City: Only One Local Coach Caught Up In An Illegal Pyramid Scheme!

Oklahoma: If You’re A Corporate Raider Named T. Boone, This May Be The State For You

OKC: Gary England. Do You Really Need Another Reason To Move Here?

I know our readers can come up with some even better suggestions. Please post them in the comments.

So I woke up this morning, logged on to NewsOK.com, and after a few hours managed to find the sports section (seriously people, that new site design is an absolute disaster. Please, for the love of god, get someone to fix it). I noticed that Justin Harper had written an article on Heritage Hall graduate Wes Welker, who downgraded from Oklahoma City to Lubbock for college before finding his way into the NFL with the Miami Dolphins and now the New England Patriots.

He starts the story off with these five words:

Grit, guts, heart and determination…

At this point, I was sharpening my knives. If there are four words that send me running for the hills, they are “grit,” “guts,” “heart,” and “determination.” (If there was a fifth, it would probably be “gonorrhea.”) The reason I hate these words is twofold. First, they are always overrated as qualities in athletes. I prefer actual talent and production to scrappiness. I’m scrappy, and I suck at every sport imaginable. Secondly, they are used to describe exactly one type of athlete. A very scientific study was done on this recently, and they determined that 10% of the time any of these words were used to describe an athlete, they were used to describe an undersized white guy with perceived athletic shortcomings. The other 90% of the time they were used to describe David Eckstein. Seriously, have you ever watched a Cardinals broadcast? You will hear those words every single time he makes a play or comes to bat, and announcers gush with admiration about how he can barely throw the ball from short to first, while I think to myself, “Gee, that isn’t a very good trait to have in a shortstop.”

I have read something like 482 articles on Wes Welker that said essentially the same thing, that he was gritty and gutty and had a huge heart and I rolled my eyes at every one of them. So it was with glee that I saw this mornings article, as I finally had a forum to rant about it. You can imagine how aghast I was when I saw the second paragraph of Harper’s story:

“You can work hard, but if you don’t have talent it doesn’t matter,” said Texas Tech strength and conditioning coach Bennie Wylie. “Wes does work hard. He works harder than anybody else, but that’s just part of the things that make him great. But you have to have the talent to play in the NFL. On that level, if all you’ve got is a strong work ethic then you’re just another guy.”

What is going on here? Has Justin Harper asked some of Welker’s coaches about his actual athletic ability for a change? How can I make fun of him in this scenario?

It went on:

“The year Wes went into the NFL (2004), J.J. Arrington, a running back from Cal ran the best “L” drill time of anyone entering the draft at 6.6 seconds,” said Wylie. “Wes ran a 6.8. That’s unbelievably fast.”

…

“Rod Warner, who coached Welker at Heritage Hall, has long known what others require proof of.

“I’ve coached for 34 years and had guys like Jackie Shipp who played in the NFL,” Warner said. “But Wes is the best athlete I’ve ever seen and from a lot of different angles.””

My god. It’s been done. A decent article about Wes Welker that points out what is obvious to everyone with eyes and a functioning human brain: He’s an exceptionally quick, moderately fast, very strong football player who happens to work hard, like the vast majority of NFL and college football players. On this day, no fun can be made of Justin Harper. Well done.