Thanksgiving is nearly here, which makes me depressed, not because I have nothing to be thankful for, since I do. Like that time that cop let me off with a warning. And the pet turtle I had when I was 6. Oh, and my family and stuff. Them too. But mostly the turtle.

No, the reason I am depressed when the holidays roll around is that I am forced to do things I hate, like “being nice to people” and “making eye contact with others” and “getting out of bed.”

But there is one good thing about Thanksgiving: the food. Unfortunately, I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner this year, and I am a terrible cook. For the past week I have woken up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat by the nightmares of not knowing what I would cook.

What was I to do? Thank god I checked KOCO’s web site this morning! There I found a multitude of holiday recipes from some of the anchors and reporters at Channel 5. I don’t know about you, but if there’s one thing I want in my newspeople, it’s cooking ability! Now the rest of the world can taste Tierney Cook’s Sweet Potato Halves and Kevin Sims’ Cranberry Tea! I only wish Husker Rick had contributed his world famous “Tornado Turducken” so that we could all try it.

Anyway, in the generous spirit of Thanksgiving, the three of us at The Lost Ogle have each contributed one of our favorite holiday recipes. You’ll find them after the jump. We hope you give them a try. Happy Thanksgiving!

Tony’s Holiday Cereal

Ingredients:

1 Box of Cereal (Any kind. Except Apple Jacks. Those suck.)
1/2 Gallon of Milk
1 Bowl
1 Spoon (optional, but kind of gross if not used)

Directions:

Pour cereal in bowl
Pour milk over cereal
Eat

Patrick’s Pumpkin Pie

Ingredients:

1 store bought Pumpkin Pie
5 six-packs of beer (any brand)

Directions:

Take pie out of packaging
Start drinking

Clark’s Thanksgiving Spectacular

Ingredients:

1 (12 pound) whole turkey
6 tablespoons butter, divided
4 cups warm water
3 tablespoons chicken bouillon
2 tablespoons dried parsley
2 tablespoons dried minced onion
2 tablespoons seasoning salt
1 cup raisins
1 1/2 cups orange liqueur
1/2 cup unsalted butter
2 cups chopped celery
1 large onion, chopped
1 pound spicy Italian sausage, casing removed
1 (16 ounce) package herb-seasoned dry bread stuffing mix
1 cup chopped pecans
4 Granny Smith apples - peeled, cored and chopped
1/2 cup unsalted butter, melted
2 cups chicken broth
4 teaspoons chopped fresh sage
salt and pepper to taste
1 giblets from a turkey
1/2 teaspoon salt
1/2 teaspoon ground black pepper
1 cube chicken bouillon
1 stalk celery, halved
1/4 yellow onion
1 quart water
2 (14.5 ounce) cans chicken broth
4 hard-cooked eggs
2 tablespoons cornstarch
1/2 cup milk

Directions:

9:00 - Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Rinse and wash turkey.
9:06 - Place turkey in a Dutch oven or roasting pan. Separate the skin over the breast to make little pockets. Put 3 tablespoons of the butter on both sides between the skin and breast meat. This makes for very juicy breast meat.
9:09 - In a medium bowl, combine the water with the bouillon. Sprinkle in the parsley and minced onion. Pour over the top of the turkey. Sprinkle seasoning salt over the turkey.
9:13 - Kneel and pray in the direction of Stillwater
9:17 - Cover turkey with foil, and bake in the preheated oven 3 1/2 to 4 hours, until the internal temperature of the turkey reaches 180 degrees F (80 degrees C). For the last 45 minutes or so, remove the foil so the turkey will brown nicely.
9:18 - Take a nap
11:14 - Place the raisins in a small saucepan, and cover with 1 cup of liqueur. Bring to boil, remove from heat, and set aside.
11:16 - In a 2 quart saucepan, simmer the giblets, salt, pepper, bouillon, celery and onion in 1 quart of water for 40 to 50 minutes.
11:18 - Check thelostogle.com. Chuckle.
11:21 - Discard celery, onion and gizzard. Chop liver and neck meat and return to pan. Add chicken broth or if you have a turkey, use drippings (about 1 1/2 cups and 1 can of chicken broth).
11:23 - Call friends to make sure their Thanksgiving is going to be “Inhofe-free”
11:31 - In a large skillet, melt 1/2 cup butter over medium heat. Saute the celery and onion in the butter for 10 minutes. Transfer to a large mixing bowl.
11:33 - In the same skillet, cook the sausage over medium-high heat until crumbled and evenly brown. Drain.
11:37 - How about that JJ Redick!?
11:40 - Combine the sausage and stuffing mix with the celery and onion mixture. Stir in the raisins and liqueur, pecans, and apples. Mix in melted butter, chicken broth, 1/2 cup orange liqueur; the stuffing should be totally moistened. Season with sage, salt, and pepper.
11:44 - Chop eggs and add to broth. Mix cornstarch and milk together and slowly add to broth. Stir well until thickened. Reduce heat to low.
11:48 - Place turkey, stuffing, and gravy on table.
11:53 - Eat