Earlier today, this e-mail popped into my inbox:
Dear Tony,
OMG I just wanted you 2 no that I think U R amazing. I’d really like 2 hang out sometime it would be an honor just to be in your presence!!!!!!!!1 Call me, K?
Sincerely,
Dean B.PS Rafael Nadal will totally win the Australian Open!!!!!
I get this sort of thing quite a bit. It comes with the territory when you are the 3rd best blogger on Oklahoma’s 8th most influential political blog. Also, Metro Oklahoma City Semi-Weekly named me one of southeast Edmond’s 1500 most eligible bachelors. So I’ve got that going for me.
Anyway, I simply do not have the time to hang out with all the local celebrities that I would like to. So I’ve narrowed the list to seven people I’d like to spend some time with over the next few months and what I would like to do with each of them. If you are on this list, you are in a special territory, so congratulations!
1. Sean Sutton, OSU Head Basketball Coach
What we would do: Attend a basketball coaching clinic.
I have been a basketball fan since the days when Jason Skurcenski was entering games at Lloyd-Noble to the chants of “SKI,” but I readily admit that I don’t know much about basketball. I think it would be fun to attend a coaching clinic with Coach Sutton. Maybe at least one of us will learn to coach defense.
2. Lance West, KFOR Daredevil
What we would do: Anything crazy, man.
I think it would be awesome to hang out with Lance West. It is clear he has no fear. He’s been tased and locked in a burning car and dropped in an icy pond. He just does everything balls out. In fact, I think that should be his nickname. “Balls Out” West. But I digress. As a fellow adrenaline junkie, I think it would be awesome to hang out with him. We could do all sorts of insane things like turning without signaling and prank calling our neighbors. Also, we would run around and yell “X-TREEEEEEEEEEME!!!!” a lot.
3. Brent Skarky, OklaTravelNet Guy
What we would do: Design the interior of my new house.
I have to admit I am terrible about decorating my house. Right now the only things on my walls are two posters: one that I got as a present (Lebron James) and another that I have left over from the 80s (Spuds McKenzie). I think Brent could really help make my place look sharp.
4. Dusty Dvoracek, NFL player for some team named “Injured Reserve”
What we would do: Throw people through glass doors.
I have always wanted to do this but have been afraid to because I’m not much of a fighter* and in the aftermath I might not be able to defend myself. But with Dusty by my side no one will come after me. Also, I hear he has experience with this so maybe he can show me some good techniques.
*False. I just said this as a literary technique. Actually I have the fighting skills of a ninja on steroids combined with the lethal instinct of one of Michael Vick’s pit bulls. It is nothing for me to kill a man.
5. Brad Henry, Governor
What we would do: Play poker
I like to play poker because it is a different game and I like to be unique. That is why I started to play after the movie Rounders came out and after the 2003 World Series of Poker. But I don’t like bandwagon jumpers. That is why if poker ever becomes a regular staple on television I will immediately stop playing. Not that that would ever happen. Can you imagine ESPN showing cards on tv? Oh well, if I ever get cable television I’ll be on the lookout for signs of poker bandwagon jumping.
Anyway, Brad Henry may not look like much of a partier but I bet he’s fun. He pushed the lottery hard, so he’s probably into gambling. I would like to officially invite him to my weekly poker game. He can even get a cool nickname like “Shawnee” Brad Henry.
6. Gan Matthews, KWTV Reporter
What we would do: Leave Cleveland County.
Just to see what happens. Do you think he spontaneously combusts or something?
7. Mike Beckett, Scrotal Assassin
What we would do: Rip various scrotums.
A lot of people think that it is not an appropriate response to rip a man’s scrotum simply for wearing a Texas shirt into Henry Hudson’s. Those people must have never seen a basketball game involving Gabe Muoneke. This humble Lost Ogler believes there is nothing more noble than attempting to ensure Texas fans do not continue to breed. It would be an honor to spend an evening learning the ways of the Scrotal Assassin. For instance, what is the proper grip? The traditional Interlocking grip? The Overlapping? Perhaps the Ron Jeremy? I must learn these things.
Yeah…a killer on steroids is right. Actually, I have a feeling that the killing literary technique is using the pen to give someone blood poisoning or perhaps a small puncture wound in the leg. Let me tell you my man….I’ve seen killers, as a big league ball player, I’ve see it all, done it all, and my money is on my man Dusty!
I’ll guarantdamntee you Gan Mathews parties harder than anyone else on the list. I’m betting Gan wakes up in a pool of vomit, coke and hookers every Sunday morning.
I’d put my money on you learning how to teach defense before Sean Sutton. The man has lived a forty year coaching clinic with one of the best defensive teachers of all time…and he apparently picked up nothing. Now if you want to go to a recruiting clinic where you learn how to appeal to anything other than shooting guards, I think Sean might get some use from that.
Dude, what an aggiefied marginally funny post.
This wasn’t one of your stronger works, but we can only expect so much from an aggie.
BTW, it’s not Gan Matthews, it’s Gland Matthews (Youtube “old KOCO footage” if you don’t get it).
Tony bleeds neon orange…
True fact: Gan Matthews shaves his beard every morning.
There should be a website for Gan Matthews like there is for Chuck Norris (chucknorrisfacts.com). That would be cool.
Gan was my neighbor for the past 5 years. I never saw him diving off his roof while high on coke, but I can attest that he has a HUGE EFFING DOG that he walks around the neighborhood at night and early am.. The dog is taller than Gan and just as ugly! I’m pretty sure that dog ate one of the neighborhood kids.
I wonder if it was the Jason Skurcenski reference that outed me as an O-State fan.
Next to Pat telling me he liked my shapely calves, “marginally funny” is the best compliment I’ve received in weeks…
Tony- I meant the ones that you raise on your family farm.
No mention of hanging out with Toby Keith?
You could kick people in the throat that be hatin freedom.
Flow…Actually what I do is: I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence!
ouredman..You left out the “N”
I didn’t know you were going to publish my email. We are no longer BFF’s!
It’s just a doggone shame that you left Mike Gundy off your list. You could have been one of the few, the proud, perhaps the only pseudo-journalist to accompany Gundy as he once again snatches another agonizing defeat from the inept jaws of victory!
No hanging out with Traber in a shower with a foreign exchange student?
Are there righteous buds in here?
They call me Mr Scout!
i wanna hang out with the cute gal modeling the gary england t-shirt.
I hear John Porter has some time on his hands these days…maybe you and him could pitch yourselves as the new Sonic guys?