For my first twenty-eight years on this earth, my beautiful blue irises were surrounded by whites of the eye that were, well, white. Now, in my twenty-ninth year, I am battling pink eye for the second time. Apparently, wearing contact lenses and having a child in daycare is a bad combination. Truthfully, the inflammation and oozing are only a minor hindrance, while the big red veins are only mildly disconcerting. What really sucks is that when I get pink eye, I have to discontinue wearing my contacts for a week.

Going back to glasses is tough. It’s one thing to wear them for half an hour while watching television before bed. It’s an entirely different thing to walk around all day without peripheral vision and having to constantly shove the damned things back up the bridge of my nose. I want laser surgery.

Problem: I don’t want to pay for it.

The more I think about it, the more I conclude I shouldn’t have to. Every member of the media gets their eyes fixed for free, AND they get their picture on the wall at the doctor’s office. Advanced Laser Center gave “eagle vision” to The Morning Animals so they could read everything but our URL on the air clearly. Hummel Eye Institute gave Jim Traber (possibly even Cardboard Jim) and some guy named Joe Strunk eye surgery.

Sure, they have the airwaves going for them, but I am part of the digital media. While our target audience is younger, their eyes will soon be failing, too. So, for a forward thinking LASIK performer, snagging me as an endorser would be a bargain. For one, getting me to pimp their product would be a one time non-expenditure. While they have to pay Lump every time he hits that laser beam sound effect along with Lump’s bosses for the airtime, all they’d have to do is fix my vision. So, I’m talking to you ClearSight Center, or whoever else wants my endorsement.

And after the jump, I have some marketing plans for some other local businesses who should advertise with us.

JERSEY MIKE’S SUBS

One poster has already accused me of soliciting their business, but that was inadvertent. I just really like their sandwiches, so it would be no problem for me to endorse them. So, here’s what I see happening. They already have “Traber Thursdays” where you get free chips and a drink if you mention Jim to the cashier. In addition, they add “Matthews Monday” and you earn the freebies by mentioning “Carboard Jim”. If they provide the cashier with a picture of themselves with “Cardboard Jim”, they even get a free TastyKake.

My fee for the endorsement would be a lifetime of free American Classic subs made Mike’s Way minus the tomatoes.

PHILLIPS-McFALL LAW FIRM

Eventually, TheLostOgle is going to be sued. Whether it is by a disenfranchised MySpacer or someone who actually partakes in the Jim Traber Drinking Game and gets alcohol poisoning, we will need legal representation. We hear that there are quite a few ogle groupies at “Phillips, McFall, McCaffrey, McVay, & Murrah–Attorneys at Law” which makes them a perfect candidate to protect us. We had an elaborate proposal involving Tony dressing up as their mascot “Philly Mac”.  We ran into some hurdles when I demanded that it be a penguin costume and Patrick insisted that he dress up like Victor Wood.  For Tony’s part, he refused to be a mascot.  So, the odds of us following through on the plan were minimal at best which had us on the path to a breach of contract which had us on the path to seeking free legal representation elsewhere.  So rather than create a vicious cycle, how about we simply direct visitors to their website.

ANY BAR OTHER THAN HENRY HUDSON’S

Truth be told, we would be happy to take Henry Hudson’s business. Google Ads don’t pay as much as you’d think, so we aren’t exactly averse to accepting money from any higher grossing advertiser. Plus, on the rare occasions where I personally enter a bar, Henry Hudson’s is typically on the sign. I just figure that as much as we have helped to publicize that a man had his scrotum ripped in one of their establishments, they likely aren’t interested in what we have to offer.

For their competitors, though, we are a natural fit. I mean, seriously, we keep pointing out that a man had his scrotum ripped in one of Hudson’s establishments. For the price of allowing Patrick to name the drink specials at your bar (like the “truth serum”), we can go on to point out that “Scrotal Assassins” are not hanging out at your place of business.

If the bar wants to purchase the deluxe package, we will send Patrick to do remote blogging during their happy hour.  He may even bring his BFFs from Phillips-McFall to join him.