So much for keeping the government out of our lives, huh?
The current issue of the Gazette features an article on one of the newest bills passed by the Oklahoma legislature. Here’s a quick, eloquent summary of the bill from the Gazette:
Beginning in November, any women that seeks an abortion will likely be required by law to have an electric wand inserted into her vagina before the doctor is allowed to perform the operation.
You may surprised to know that we here at The Lost Ogle are 100% in favor of this bizarre, outdated draconiion law. In fact, we are in favor of all the weirdo bills that our wacko state legislature keeps on trying to push through. We kind of hope that if they keep becoming laws, people will quit stereotyping us as a bunch of in-bred hillbilly rednecks living in trailers and instead think we’re a bunch of 17th century Puritans conducting weekly witch hunts and throwing out word like “Thou” , “Chaste” and “Weathercock.” And why do we hope that? Because Puritans kick ass.
Anyway, because we are proactive, we came up with a few other crazy laws that our legislature should consider. Check them out after the jump:
Cut off the arms of anyone caught stealing the Daily Oklahoman.
You can look at this law two ways: The Oklahoman is so sacred, those who steal it should be severely punished. Or, those stupid enough to steal it should be severely punished. I kind of go towards the later.
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Make “stealing an old lady’s 80-year-old bible and selling it for a quarter” punishable by death.
This will probably stop the current epidemic of people abusing their “power of attorney” and pawning off old people’s old stuff. Also, it will maybe stop Bobby Burbridge Lane from preaching to me while I’m trying to merge onto I-40 at 5:15.
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Force anyone who has any sort of sexually transmitted disease to have the Scarlet Letter “V” stamped across their forehead.
For some reason, Clark Matthews really thinks this law is a bad idea. However, it would make watching the nightly news, especially KWTV 9, very interesting.
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Pull the plug on anyone caught watching the OETA News Report.
If you are watching this boring newscast each night, then you are probably already brain dead. So really, it’s no big loss.
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Make “Jesus Freak” the official Oklahoma Rock Song.
How can four Hinder songs appear on the nomination list, but not one by the band that all Oklahoma kids should really enjoy like “DC Talk.” Who cares that they are not from Oklahoma, we need to get Sally Kern on this one now!(Okay. I just discovered the nomination list and really think that this needs it’s own post. Sersiously, check out the link and see what songs people have nominated for our State’s rock song. Some samples:
Color Me Badd: “I Want to Sex You Up.”
Kunek: “Dasollec”
Eric Clapton: “Cocaine”
Caroline’s Spine: “Work Song”
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Create a law that makes it difficult to employ illegal immigrants and basically discriminates against an entire ethnic group.
Oops. I think they’ve already done this one.
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Burn at the cross those who do not bow to Gary England when in his presence.
And then dump their ashes in Spencer or Jones. That will show them.
Well, that does it for our ideas. If you have ideas of your own, let us know in the comments.
I see that “You’re the Reason God Made Oklahoma” is on the list. Ignoring the fact that this isn’t really a rock and roll song, my big question is whether that’s meant to be a compliment or an insult.
Girl looking into a guy’s eyes as he proposes: You’re the reason God made Oklahoma.
Guy looking back, noticing a heavy line of make-up covering the letter V on her forehead: I think I’m going to hurl! You’re the reason God made Oklahoma! Get away from me!
Oklahoma … gosh I love this state
i respect women for all the postives they bring to life
I respect Gary England…a friend for nigh on 30 years
I respect the family values, honor and honesty of Okies.
I respect myself…I have never met anyone my superior.
i respect the planet…as my family did generations before me.
I am not impressed with lhe lemminngs who are helter skelter burning their life moments up with extreme pleasure binges.
I like the world God created for you and me…
don’t you?
Without reading the Gazette, it almost sounds like they (and you, Patrick) believe the “electric wand” is more intrusive than the actual abortion. Wow.
Well, I guess Im braindead. The Oklahoma News Report is the only station that covers the capitol. The only news that matters to the entire state. Not just to couple of people on the northeast side of town. If you guys had anybrains at all you would pay attention to the ONR. You might learn a thing or two.
P.S. We are also Ogle free.
Never having had a wand jammed into one of my orifices, I will defer to my wife who points out that someone getting an abortion gets a sedative. She wishes she would have received a sedative before getting a transvaginal sonogram.
Hmmm, government health mandates based on selective morality?
And people wonder why I recoil at the thought of universal healthcare…
Oh, and FG Onions, I really don’t care if you’re impressed, but if you’d care to pick up the tab for one of my “extreme pleasure binges”, that would be awesome.
While scrolling through the channels, I came upon some high school sports schow on Channel 43. Hence, I propose the folliwng:
Ban Van Shea Ivan from ever talking on TV again, or talking period for that matter?
God love the guy, but his voice is like fingernails on a chalkboard.
This land is your land this land is my land, from California, to the New York Islands.
Here’s a good one: A mandatory cage match for the two top idiots (in the Oklahoma Legislature) who come up with the most recent bonehead laws. Top two current contenders: Paul Wesslehoft (banning specific breeds of dogs) and Randy Terrell (banning specific breeds of people). At first look, you’d think Randy would have an edge because of the age thing and less wind resistance due to lack of hair; but don’t discount Paulie’s retard monkey strength.
And Clark, now that you’ve spilled the beans on your wife’s desires during her vaginal exam, remember, she probably wishes she had sedatives when you creep up beside her too.
Should I take that as a compliment?
burn at the stake anybody who loves gary england. the guy’s a relic and hack. he couldn’t get an intern position at a larger tv market. that’s why he’s never left OKC. he knows he sucks.
“big balls” by AC/DC should be Okla’s song.
I love you all.
women’s rights be damned!
whiney b*tches.
I like the new format guys. Keep up the good work!
I’m also a fan of the hot girl a day in the month of may. I knew there were a lot of girls that wouldn’t date me in this state, but never knew that some of them were good looking.
…throwing out word[s] like “Thou”, “Chaste” and “Weathercock.”
Um, that’s Trebilcock.
A whole lot of those songs on the Nominee List for the official Oklahoma rock song *aren’t* rock songs.
I personally vote for N.O.T.A.’s “Nightstick Justice.” At least hardcore is up in my wheelhouse.
i love all my sisters and all that, but haven’t women been suffraging for way too long in our country as it is??
First of all, NO ONE is going to steal a Bible…why? Sadly because no one ever reads one (they just pretend…).
I guess aborting is what civilized people do in the liberal/liberterian world. Is that like an initiation process or something?
It seems like this is not a State for moderates. Oklahoma liberals are as ignorant as conservatives…
Whoa, liberals and libertarians lumped together?
And yet I hate liberals… huh…
Holy Bobbie Burbridge Lane…the poor lady got her bible back! Halleluyah!
Todd Lamb, the author of this bill, has changed very little since his High School days. I remember, all too well, his moral imperialism being spewed upon the kids of Enid High School (88-90). Running with some very “pure” and sexually ambiguous twenty-somethings, spreading the “good word” and trying to collect souls for the local Baptist flavored re-education institution. FCA (Fellowship of Christian Atheletes), was the business back then, but is there really a difference in Todd’s politics now?
Let’s follow in Dad’s footsteps…become a politician, and try to enforce our own personal beliefs on the masses. That’ll make God happy…right?
This is a perfect example, IMHO, of why the term “separation of church and state” means absolutely nothing in our “modern-minded” Oklahoma. I agree with the idea that before this law was put into effect, the proponents of the bill should have to have the procedure done to them…regardless of sex.
Good job Todd! I’m sure that you’re God has a nice cushy spot reserved for you in his heaven.
I “Wax Nostalgic” for the days when I could tell Todd Lamb and his “imperialists for God”, “NO!, I’m not drinking your Kool-Aid” Now we’re along for the ride whether we like it or not.
Draconian laws! That is awesome! I think I have found my people. Let’s hear it for Ogle free homes.