Thanks to one of our eagle-eyed readers, a guy named Tony, it has come to our attention that Oklahoma’s least bad senator recently had some bad luck. Sure we have taken some shots at Senator Coburn, but we do have sympathy for the man after he was the victim of a burglary at his home in Muskogee. While Tony is certain that this is just what happens when you let a nineteen year old run your town, the rest of us think there may be more to this and want to help. With our careful investigation, we have revealed the following list of suspects.
DeMarcus Granger
To be honest, we have no hard evidence, but anytime stealing takes place, Granger is going to be our primary subject. Besides, we hear Coburn had recently completed a shopping spree at Burlington Coat Factory.
Look at that leather jacket. That’s a rebel without a cause.
Randy Terrill
I have long held a theory that Representative Terrill would stop at nothing to drum up support for his anti-immigration platform. It would not surprise me if Terrill committed this burglary to frame an illegal alien.
Lloyd Fields
When Coburn’s guitar was not easily found, Fields just settled for jewelry and cash.
Tony
It could help explain why Tony has been so scarce lately.
Sure, she isn’t from Oklahoma, but limiting our scope to within the state would be a mistake with a man’s jewelry still at large. Also, we have to keep “Junior High Sexual Humorist” happy, somehow.
Sally Kern’s 32-year-old, celibate, music teaching, metaphysics practicing, non-gay son from Iowa
Sure, Jessie Kern looks innocent, but Patrick thinks he may have been hiding in Coburn’s home while the police were investigating the crime. I asked Patrick why, if that were true, the officers did not find Kern, and Patrick suggested the guy knows how to get lost in a closet. Good point.
Lesbians
Obviously, this would be retribution for the Senator ruining their cushy situation in Southeastern Oklahoma.
I blame Gene Stipe. He’s always had it out for Coburn. I can just see him conspiring from his padded room.
I would have thought it might be Dean Blevins, but he would have “broken” the story and would have to implicate himself.
I did it, I secretly placed a copy of Schindlers List in the Senator’s DVD.
Terril is smiling because he has Gwynneth Paltrow’s head in a bag. Which he stole from Coburn’s crib, apparently.
Scott McClellen has the answers in his new book, it was a member of the chicken FAA who had recently had an abortion after finding out they got AIDS from a toilet seat at the Flying J on I-35 were they had ordered Kashi instead of bisquits and gravy.
Don’t forget - Chubby Johnson is still on the lam.
The robbers put his stuff in the middle of nowhere. So Coburn would have to approve the “Bridge to Nowhere”. What’s up with the RAndy Terrill picture? Trying to look like a mob boss or something. Plus I thought he only sat on the back of illegals.
It might have been “We buy ugly homes” lady…if she can create a fake crime spree, she can drive down property values and swoop in like the vulture she is, snatching and clawing!!!
speaking of chubby johnson, check out winona ryder…mmmm… (and there is not a ‘y’ in her name, for the judds sake.)