If a child is kidnapped, there’s an alert. If a tornado has formed, there’s a warning. However, there are no warning systems for escaped carnies, Latter Day Saints followers or Lost Ogle writers.
In the tradition of the AMBER Alert, here are ten alert systems that would benefit Oklahoma:
Alerts Oklahoma City residents when a carnie escapes from the Oklahoma State Fair. An immediate call to 911 should be made if the scent of corndog or funnel cake lingers in your vicinity.
9. NAMBLA Alert
Notifies the community if a NAMBLA member is near a playground, elementary school or abortion clinic.
8. Mathis Alert
Warns the city if there is widespread gerbil outbreak.
Issued anytime a Randy Terrill bills passes. The alert can only be issued in Spanish.
6. Murdock Alert
Issued when a member of the Oklahoma Bar Association is on a breast-biting rampage.
5. REMBA Alert
AMBER alert for dyslexic children.
4. Jeebus Alert
Lock your doors, turn off the television and sit in silence. Those nicely dressed boys on bicycles from the Latter Day Saints church are outside.
3. Jesse Alert
A warning system for anything deemed too gay by Judge Bill Graves or Sally Kern. In my case, this always leads to a Rhology alert, which is when I write a parody or satirical post on homosexuality and he starts an ethical debate in the comment section.
2. Ogle Alert
Used when a group of young, amazing and strikingly attractive Oklahoma City residents, and one Tulsa resident, enters the room.
1. Silver Alert
The real Silver Alert should be used when a senior citizen is on the road, driving 15 mph. Those roads can be avoided. A valuable time saver for commuters.
P.S. This article was originally written for Irritated Tulsan as a follow up to a post called, “Silver Alert.” Today’s Lost Ogle feature was to be a post titled, “Doggie Style.” It was deemed too vulgar and made Patrick vomit in his mouth. However, if you like vulgar, then click here.
(Don’t forget to check out Mattatarian’s Good Offering of the Week (Pancake Sandwich Edition.)
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