Last week I offered, make that generously offered, OKC a few Tulsa “Celebrities.”
I’m a giver. No one accepted my gift. What a bunch of unappreciative ingrates. It’s not like I tried to pawn Tom Harrison, Carol Lambert or Biker Fox … oh yeah. Sorry about the “unappreciative ingrate” comment. That was uncalled for. I wouldn’t accept them either.
This week, I’m a taker. I have a list of Oklahoma City “Celebrities” I want to bring to Tulsa:
10. Gibson Diffee
Another child pimped out by his father for car sales. Tulsa has Kristen Glover, Jennifer Bruton and other random daughters. It’s a hot blond battle among car dealers. Gibson is blonde and annoying, but fame isn’t going to his head. Unlike Tulsa’s pimped out children, he hasn’t resorted to using his sexuality. And yes, I do know how wrong that last sentence is.
9. Mayor Mick
Mayor Mick put OKC on a diet and went on Ellen. Tulsa needs to be on a diet. When I see women driving carts around Wal-Mart, I’m one step closer to bulimia.
8. Marco Palumbo
Finally, a lawyer that will defend me in court … and possibly *eat the prosecution.
(*Disclaimer: The “eat” comment is a pure joke. In no possible way do I, or the readers of the Lost Ogle, believe Marco Palumbo eats the defense. Please don’t eat me.)
7. Patrick and Clark
I’ve never met them in person. I don’t think they’ve met me. I want to invite them to Tulsa for a beer at McNellies. Afterwards, we can stop by my house for a round of Strip Poker or Twister. I’m just kidding. I don’t own Twister.
6. Gary England
England moving to Tulsa would be that full circle moment Oprah talks about, minus the enlightened outcome. In my case, the full circle would be knowing a guy that accidently touched Helen Hunt’s breast during an interview about Twister, and that meteorologist that was in Twister. Full circle.
5. Paulette
I just want to see this woman close up. My friends and I have a bet on how much plastic surgery she’s had. My boss says, “Botox.” My co-worker says, “Microdermabrasion.” I say she’s one facelift away from a goatee.
4. Brian Bates
The video vigilantly. I wonder if he’s considered franchising. Actually, I just want an excuse to tape Meth users.
3. Linda Cavanaugh
OKC’s Linda Cavanaugh is Tulsa’s Carol Lambert. I want see them in a mud fight. Who would win?
2. Jamie Cerreta
Patrick is right. Cerreta is leaving. I’m taking her. I’ve hired her to read the news to me every night in my living room. Doesn’t make #7 too creepy now, does it?
1. Cardboard Jim
Forget Flesh and Blood Jim, I want Cardboard Jim. He is someone that will laugh at my jokes, never argue with me and always listen. I’ll be at Dfest this Friday. I hope he’ll tag along. My people have contacted his people.
(For more lists check out Awesomely Bad Tulsa Architecture. Also, don’t forget Mattatarian’s Food Offering of the Week.)
We’ll trade you Linda Cavanaugh for Chera Kimiko, and we’ll throw in a free love-seat and recliner from Bob Mills furniture. Please inform Chera that she’ll be moving.
Chera Kimiko? That’s going a little too far. How about a cute puppy instead? I can’t part with Chera.
Being from Enid I have to ask why not take Enid native Chad Stevens? He went from Enid to hocking cars in OKC and was the dude on the hood of the car at the drive-in in the movie Twister!! How bout them apples!
That Sneaker Wearing Entrepreneurial Cartoonist Internet Guy: Chad Stevens was #11. So close.
FINALLY!! A piece from the Tulsan that doesn’t suck!!
We will give you Bobby Burbrage Lane and you don’t even have to give anyone in exchange. And you can have Gary England if you send us Travis Meyer. Travis Meyer doesn’t need doppler, tower cams or Val in the Getner to give us the weather. Travis Meyer only needs his mustache.
The visual of Linda Cavanaugh mud wrestling is almost as bad as your Sue Whalen coverage. You’re a sick man Jerry. Don’t change.
take gary england. doesn’t a tulsa tv station need an intern?
Please take the Video Vigilante. One less pervert in OKC won’t hurt.
Please feel free to take Johnny Ross and his arm spinning shenanigans. You can also have the boring duo Jack and Ron. We will take the Golden Driller in exchange.
The Hideous Vigilante. Please someone take him. And videotape him leaving so we can all enjoy it.
Take Linda Cavanaugh and Gary England, along with Jack and Ron and have them all mud wrestle to the death. Cardboard Jim can referee and the winner gets to a 3 day 2 night stay at the old Camelot hotel (during demolition). My bet is on Linda winning, Jack (the hack) is a wuss and pee himself when threatened and Ron (fat ass) would drown trying to eat all the mud, Gary would just wonder around yelling “Get underground” and “Get Val on the Gentner” until Linda bludgeoned him to death with Jack.
Good stuff, I.T.
Best post in the early career of IT. Keep up the goodness!!!
Hookarian: I’m glad feel I’m un-sucking today.
Mattatarian: You can have Travis. Free of charge.
ouredman & TDaddy: Thank You
Clark Matthews: Best comment. My day is not complete until I’m called sick or disturbing.
As a hetero male, I have never heard of Oprah’s full circle moment….or anything else from her other than she hated getting Ike Turnered in The Color Purple. Is there a female writer on staff?
Hey, how about Mark Shannon? Oh wait … you said celebrity. Nevermind.
Boone: I’m secure enough with myself to admit to catching an episode of Oprah.
Bill: Mark who?
How bout Kevin Durant? The 66ers need a power forward. I’m sure both fans in the Bixby Convention Hall would pay twice as much as their current $5 season tickets for that kind of talent.
Wow. I thought I wrote things by the numbers.
How about taking that girl from the ‘Richardson Homes’ commercials?
in an annoying voice - “Let our family build you family’s home”
Sorry chiefmech, The Camelot is no more. Just an empty piece of gravel.
We’ll send them Round Robbie Robertson in exchange for……
Tulsa doesn’t want the vigilante. He declared war on prostitution over ten years ago and it’s just as bad on Robinson as it was before. While his goals might have merit, the approach has been a colossal failure.
We accept your offer of Kristen Glover, and proudly offer in exchange Greg Zoobeck (http://www.katt.com/showdj.asp?DJID=42498). Enjoy.
the pic of mayor mick seems very disturbing to me for some reason…