If you’re a Texas Tech fan, you should probably be on alert this week. Because as you’ve probably heard, felony assault charges have been dropped against Allen Michael Beckett, the man who we like to call the OU Scrotal Assassin. We like to call him this because he nearly *accidentally* castrated Brian Thomas, a Texas Longhorns fan, in a fight at the Henry Hudson’s on NW Expressway:

From NewsOK:

District Attorney David Prater, who initially charged Beckett with felony aggravated assault, said witnesses have since come forward who said Thomas was the aggressor…

For his part, Beckett said he was minding his own business when Thomas approached him at the bar and threatened to beat him up. He said he only grabbed Thomas after the bigger, younger man tried to pull him from his bar stool.

“He started pulling me out of the chair, so I sprung out of the chair into his chest,” said Beckett, a 22-year Army veteran. “You go straight for ‘em. You don’t hit the dirt, you go straight for the machine gun.”

This news is kind of bittersweet. We’ve been rooting for the Scrotal Assassin the entire time this thing has been going on, but because we’re lazy and enjoy insanely easy material, we were hoping this would have gone to trial. I guess it’s too bad Oklahoma County has a smart and logical DA. If Wes Lane were still in office this thing would have gone to trial and his step mom would have purchased commercials on the Sports Animal preaching about the sins of forcefully grabbing another man’s genitalia. That would have been nice.

Anyway, we’ve learned a lot of good things from the Scrotal Assassin. Things like:

• Don’t mess around with a man who’s involved with a librarian. Those guys are tough.

• Dressing up as a man who got his scrotum ripped off is a tacky, yet wonderful, Halloween costume.

• Don’t f*ck with an OU fan. They’ll rip your nuts off.