Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Tulsa Tuesday – Things I am Thankful For

Since Thursday is Thanksgiving, and Patrick recommended it, I’ve decided to share some things that I am thankful for.  You can be thankful that Hanson, the BOK Center and Jim Glover did not make my list.

10.  Meth

I haven’t tried it. I don’t plan to. I enjoy it for the cheap laughs. Pimp and hooker work just as well. As an example, I’ll use in it a sentence. “My mother stabbed her pimp while she was strung out on the meth she bought from a hooker.” You smirked. See, cheap laugh.

9.  Phat Philly’s

Best Philly Cheesesteak Sandwich in Oklahoma. No joke here. I would never joke about Phat Philly’s.

8.  Butter

The number one ingredient in all the best recipes. Use two sticks in the Thanksgiving turkey, one stick in the stuffing, two cups in the tea, 96 tablespoons in the green beans, 10 pounds in the chicken and dumplings, four ounces in the Dr Pepper and a dab on the front door to stop the squeak.

7.  Faith No More

My favorite band that broke up years ago. Sure, I’ll listen to Mr. Bungle, but it’s not the same. I’ve always enjoyed good angry music. Not the Fergie, Beyonce and T.I. crap that’s shoved down our throats now.

6.  The Office

I’m surprised it has been on air for three years. My favorite shows don’t normally last this long. I rank The Office up there with Arrested Development, Mr. Show and Strangers with Candy.

5.  Caffeine

Meth light. I cannot live without my morning coffee, mid-morning coffee, afternoon coffee, mid-afternoon coffee, dinner Dr Pepper and late-night coffee. Caffeine withdrawals keep me awake at night. Did I also mention I’m an insomniac?

4.  Toby Keith

I can write about bestiality, gay marriage and Wal-Mart, but no posts generate more hate mail than Toby Keith does. His TK Warriors get upset when I refer to their manscaped hero as an overnationalistic redneck. I love the endless joy that Keith fans provide “¦ or is that joyless with no end?

3.  The Lost Ogle

In an obligatory kiss up, I’m thankful for The Lost Ogle. I’m thankful they haven’t considered me New Coke, at least to my face, and replaced me. When I first started, my blog would get five to ten hits a day. Since I’ve partnered with The Lost Ogle, there are days I have more than 20 readers.

2.  Hulu

Last summer I turned my cable off. I decided the $140 a month I paid for cable would be better used for gas, water and electricity. Then, I discovered www.hulu.com. My TV addiction transferred smoothly from cable to Internet.

1.  Urinals That Don’t Splash

It has happened to every guy and the occasional adventurous girl. You’re at the urinal doing your business, making sure you stare ahead to not make eye contact. You pull the level to flush. The water rushes out of the urinal at the speed and force of Niagara Falls.  Urine and toilet water splash the front of your pants. For the next hour, you have that damp musky feeling in your groin. Once you get home, burn the pants.

P.S.  For something really cool, I found TU’s 1969 Homecoming Program Guide while cleaning out family storage.  And as always, Mattatarian’s Food Offering of the Week.

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Comments

  1. I always wondered if Toby Kieth or J.R. (BBQ and that sport of kings-pro rasslin) ever attended O.U. or are they alley alumni? TK’s Warriors… which is harder: writing songs about kicking your enemy’s butt or marching off into the desert and actually shooting at your enemy?

  2. “which is harder: writing songs about kicking your enemy’s butt or marching off into the desert and actually shooting at your enemy?”

    It could be shaving your armpits. Toby Keith told People magazine that he shaves his armpits. That could’ve been the most difficult thing he’s ever done.

  3. I watched a little of the Colbert Christmas show (the reviewer in the Gayzette called it a “work of genius”) but a little Colbert goes a long way so I wandered off somewhere else. I did surf back and saw some of T.K.’s performance. I couldn’t quite figure out if it was serious, campy or what. Weird to say the least.

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