Workers are nervous.  The U.S. is in a recession and job security has hit a low.  However, there are industries that thrive during a recession.  If you’ve been laid-off, want to move to a more secure field or plan to move to Tulsa, consider these recession-proof Tulsa industries:

1.  Gold Digger

Many people would assume there would be less gold digging during a recession because there are fewer sugar daddies to go around.  This isn’t true.  Gold digging isn’t about the money, it’s about whether your breasts point straight ahead.

2.  Dumpster Diver

Sales are down.  Stores close.  Food spoils.  The best stuff that no one can afford will land in the store’s dumpster.  Once it’s trash, it’s not stealing.  My $80 leather desk chair is courtesy of Selpats.  (That’s Staples backwards, for the non-dumpster diver.)

3.  Kathy Taylor’s Posse

Taylor cannot be left alone.  When she’s left alone she hurls her body onto the floor in a fit of rage and breaks her wrist.  Her subscription to Boy’s Life lapsed.  It is her posse’s job to make up news releases that she fell at home.  She could always use a good back washer.

4.  21st Street Kmart

This Kmart’s customer base never had money to begin with.  They’ve maintained the same level of spending and theft.

5.  Adoption Case Worker

Sometimes downsizing includes family members.  Adopting-out is an excellent way to trim the family budget.  Normally, the cutest child is adopted-out in hopes of finding a new family quicker, but since fewer families adopt-in during a recession, keep the cutest one for yourself.  Caseworkers are needed to cover the adoption-out demand.

6.  Uncle Stan’s Bedroom

I don’t know what type of business my uncle runs, but he says sales have never been better.  His breath smells like bug spray and he stocks up on cold medicine.  He’s always “looking for girls.”

7. Mathis Brothers Tulsa Location

Supernatural forces keep Tulsa’s Mathis Brothers store alive.  That’s the impression I got when their new digital billboard melted my contacts to my iris.  They are an equal opportunity employer – demonically possessed preference.

8.  Stripper

Perverts, chronic masturbators and closeted Marines don’t care if there’s a recession.  They’ll spend the same amount of alimony on strippers.  At Cloud 9, the employees can take home the leftovers from Legs and Eggs night.

9.  Going-out-of-Business Sign Holder

That company that laid you off, you’ll show them.  This is a temporary position.  Plenty are available.

10.  Foreclosure Notice Delivery Specialist

The subprime mortgage crisis has created a boom in Foreclosure Notice Delivery.  Hazard pay is available for those that deliver to North Tulsa, East Tulsa or 61st and Peoria.  Earn a $10,000 bonus for every drive-by shooting you survive.

Other Recession Proof Tulsa Industries include:

11.    Clown

12.    Plasma Donor

13.    Midtown Adult Theater Usher

14.    Pet Cremator

15.    Can Collector

16.    Welfare Recipient

17.    Televangelist

18.    Hanson Brother

19.    99¢ Dollar Store Manager

20.    Dog Rehabilitator
 

(P.S.  For non-recession fun, check out To Catch a Molester.  A true heart-warming childhood story.  Or, see a Grilled Chicken Salad you’ll never find at 7 Eleven.  No QuikTrip’s?  That’s rough.)