Get your red pens out: This is the intro. It’s the intro because it introduces the rest of the post. Over the past week I’ve been inundated with emails, phone calls, texts, picture messages, letters, telegrams, sing-o-grams, and one unnecessary punch-o-gram, to gently remind me that every now and then, the posts tend to run away from the lessons we were taught in 6th grade English class. Someone even paid a skywriter to fly over my home and write “Chad smells like a parenthetical reference to an overly-obvious juxtaposition!!!”, which may have been pricey but once again made no sense, and exhibited bad punctuation. That kind of thing is fine for a blog post, which is by nature very colloquial and conversational, but not for professional sky-dissing. Dumbass. This is the final sentence of the introduction.

Red Dirt Music Fest – Lazy E Arena, Guthrie – Jan. 31

I’m not exactly a huge Red Dirt fan, but this is a pretty big deal I guess. I’ve heard of more than one of the bands involved, and I’ve even heard of Guthrie, Oklahoma thanks to “Rain Man”. I’m actually sort of a fan of Guthrie. That’s where my chiropractor is, so I guess I associate it with temporary pain relief. But today, I’ll be associating it with the largest festival for Red Dirt music that’s being held in Logan County this weekend. That may not be true, but I’m going to assume that it is. To be honest, I feel a little betrayed by Red Dirt lately, but it’s only because I’m not quite sure what to think of it. Is it country? Is it rock and roll? Exactly. What I think it really is, is just damned good entertainment. There’s a pretty fine line between Red Dirt and “Rock” music, and the line just keeps getting blurrier. That’s no knock on these particular artists, but they may need to pick a side. Nobody else seems to get to enjoy the best of two worlds. Just ask my poor maid/girlfriend. In the end, it all comes down to personal tastes. I like my country singers like I like my women: Depressed, drunk, and abusive. You should go to Guthrie Saturday night. Because you know who loves Red Dirt music? The zillions of gorgeous Oklahoma girls-next-door, and the vintage pearl snap shirts are always too small.

16th Annual Fundraiser Cafe City Arts – City Arts Center, OKC – Jan. 30

Got too much money? Nothing to do with your swanky ass on Friday night? Well, do I ever have something for you and your platinum money clip to do. With tickets starting at $50, you’d think they would give you a free “art” right when you walked in the door. That’s not how it works though. The serious part is that this is a great fundraiser for the arts in Oklahoma City and allows artists and patrons to co-mingle while they scarf down enough free food to pay for my much-needed face transplant. (Side-note: I’ve decided on the “Clive Owen”) I, um, won’t be attending this event. See, art is as subjective as anything there is, and as appreciative as I am of it, I’m not a big fan of some artists. Look, I don’t really care if you paint. That’s a very nice skill/hobby/burden that you have there, but stop going everywhere in your paint-splattered skinny jeans. It’s a bit much. I’m making an unfair generalization based on one or two people I’ve run across in my many hilarious local foibles, and I’m okay with that. Damn – you guys must have really gotten into my head to make me spell out “okay”. Anyways, if there were a way for me to walk around with a song I wrote constantly playing, it would be tempting, yes. But I would know how wrong it is. I just find it very hard to believe that artists, of all people, would want to flaunt their pretentiousness. What a world. So, if you’ve sold a few more shares of your Chesapeake stock this week or finally settled that lawsuit against those pesky yet persistent orphans, drop a few bills over at the City Arts Center. Stores that sell white Levi’s 501s will thank you.

Jewel – Riverwind Casino – Jan. 30

Sweet, delicious Jewel Kilcher. Sigh. How I love you when you’re not singing or reading your poetry or living in my ‘04 Accord. She’s listed as being pop/country/folk music. I’m not even sure what that means. I guess it means she’ll have a guitar, but she’ll look sexy and sing about feelings? Well that just sounds fantastic. If there’s one thing I love about women, it’s the musical expression of their emotions. Just so you know, there are other things about women that I like more than that. One of those things is the rare combination of a pretty face and ample breasteses. The lovely Ms. Kilcher possesses both of these traits, as well as the ability to sing her songs with a straight face, most of the time. I’m trying really hard to bag on her for no reason, but the truth is I really don’t have an opinion. I could take her or leave her. All I know is she lip-synched the national anthem at Super Bowl XXXII (32 if you’re nasty) and that’s not cool. If she didn’t think she had the range for that song, she should’ve just let her boobs sing it. I just hope that doesn’t set a precedent for future Super Bowls. Speaking of which, it looks like I won’t even get to watch this year’s because of the following event, for which I blame every one of you.

Grammar/Usage Intervention @ My House – Oklahoma City – Feb. 1

What’s a Super Bowl? I’m glad I don’t remember, so I can focus on syntax preparedness, triple spell-checking, and being right. I am your humble servant. Come have some chili and choke on it…just a little bit. I love you all.