Get ready kids. I’m typing this as fast as I can think up the words. Yeah, you’re shocked at my lack of editorial conviction and my re-writablity, but you shouldn’t be. All eleven of you know damn well that this thing gets written on Thursday night, somewhere between 10:00pm and shitfaced o’clock. Tonight I’m tired, a little sick, and I’ve got “So You Think You Can Dance” clogging up my neural pathways. Be that as it may, I’m proud to bring you four possibilities for a wonderful weekend. I’ll definitely be attending at least one of them, but I’ll keep you guessing ’til the end, just like your pre-op tranny sister did with me. That was a bad, bad month. Go.

Slam Poetry Night w/Logan Layden – May 31

Hell yeah, folks. Your favorite KGOU/NPR student voice will don his black-rimmed glasses, t-shirt and superfluous scarf for a night of crazy-cadenced rhyminess! As if slam poetry weren’t awesome enough, Logan will bring his soothing tones up 3 octaves for his signature piece entitled, “Break Yourself: Gotta Get That Gold!” I don’t know much about slam poetry, but I know I don’t like it. I once made the mistake of taking the girlfriend to Galileo to see a friend of a friend do a “reading”. First of all, I didn’t know that said “friend of friend” was of the lady persuasion, or I would have vetoed the entire damn thing. Second, I was not aware that she would not be reading, but rather singing a-capella some shit about some dude who done her wrong. Or something. By then I was chest-deep in the booze. The mention of a girlfriend means that this was years and years ago, so I can only assume that the booze was Malibu coconut rum with a twist of Jolly Rancher. Damn straight. I’ve since stepped up to the harder, browner booze like the real malcontents drink. YOU DON’T KNOW ME!

A Festival of Rock Discorus 2009 – May 29

Well hot damn, dawg. Get that Static X shirt out of the litter box and go get your drunken fool on! Man, this thing just sounds awful. But it’s about time we had some wild animals at the zoo. Oh! Stop it, Chad! It’s too much! Look, I’ll admit to seeing some pretty shitty bands when I was a younger, dumber man, but I know that this thing will be packed with adults who want desperately to relive 1997 and to maybe start reading at a 6th grade level, but neither of those things will ever happen for them. Buckcherry? Saving Abel? Um…Duff McKagan? If you go to this thing, 1) You’re probably not reading this, 2) I hope you don’t forget to remove your shirt sleeves first, and 3) If you last long enough to see Duff McKagan on stage and you fail to scream “Where the hell is Axl!??” at the top of your lungs, we can no longer be friends. After all we’ve been through, somehow that would be the breaking point. I was cool when you “borrowed” my jet ski; I was cool when you “de-clawed” my baby nephew; Hell, I was even cool when you “accidentally” put said nephew into my poor, disabled sister’s womb. But not making Duff feel worthless for me by proxy will finish us. I will post a craigslist ad immediately seeking a new “Bagman”. Later, dude.

Comedy Night @ Opolis – May 29

Hey hey! Wakka Wakka! Stand up comedy in Norman? Well, if you’ve ever felt the need to catch 3/4 of the 6th worst podcast in OKC (Sorry, boys – no more free traffic) doing their schtick live, this is for you. That’s probably not fair. At least these guys are trying, I guess. Yeah, I’ll get complaints for poo-pooing on something like this, but the bad news is that I’m in the majority when I say that I just don’t really care that much. It’s not because I’ve seen all these comedians over and over or because I don’t love standing in the spare-bedroom/garage that is the Opolis. It’s mainly because I love comedy. Now you think I’m a hypocrite. This is partially true because it’s my duty as an American. But basically, my standards are high. I can throw you a bone and tell you that there are a couple of funny comedians performing at this thing, but I’m still not sure you’ll care. The problem is this: No matter how hard this group of performers works, Oklahoma City will likely never become a readily looked-to source of comedy. There are plenty of reasons that the truly talented folks move away, and the least of all these reasons is opportunity. In a market like this, you will see fans of comedy performing for their friends until they’re all older and more tired than a joke about a midget. I had a couple of videos at the ready to link to, but I’m not going to try that hard. The thing is, I do consider some of these folks to be my friends, so I’m not going to go as far as to say I feel sorry for them, because I don’t. They’re having fun and that’s all that matters. But the bottom line is, it won’t pay the bills here. Ever. I understand this. It’s why my master plan involves not bothering with stand-up comedy here, moving to Chicago, studying everything I can about comedy, working my ass off, and hopefully getting a job driving Tyler Perry’s Hummer limousine. So get out and see these guys (and girls) while you can. Because if they’re as smart as they are diligent, they won’t be here much longer.

Moreland & Arbuckle @ 51st Street Speakeasy – May 29

Since I won’t be in Norman tonight, I’ll get a chance to see some of the baddest-assed blues available. These guys are the shit. With homemade guitar-like instruments and world class harmonica playing, Moreland and Arbuckle are pretty bona fide in the world of indie blues/rock. Also, I think the 51st Street Speakeasy has become one of my favoirte places in town. Aside from the frat-party atmosphere that can happen on the weekend, that place has a lot going on. Newcastle on tap, great food, a microbrewery, and the usual high dosage of gorgeous Oklahoma girls. So come see two of the baddest men in the region as they blow through town. I’ll be there with no less than one member of my band, which like, gives it all kinds of credibility. So come buy me a Newcastle and stroke my beard. We’ll both enjoy that. I doubt my friend/guitarist and I will be hard to spot. We’ll be the good-looking guys paying attention.

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