I assume that like me, you all spent last Friday night watching Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals. Needless to say, I was quite pleased with the outcome. I was all like, “WOOOO!” In other news, yesterday it was reported that a local man was punched in the face and robbed of his bologna sandwich. I find this slightly worrisome for two reasons. First, I love bologna sandwiches and sitting on benches. So you can imagine how much I enjoy combining the two. It’s like heaven. But now I’ll have to dine in fear of the unexpected face punch, and that’s no way to live. Second, I think it’s going to be a catalyst in our degradation into a lawless, penniless, cannibalistic Hell on Earth. It’s going to be every man and baby for himself. Buildings will be abandoned, cars forgotten, and the streets will run pink with bologna. So, this weekend is Father’s Day. Personally, I don’t do anything to observe it, but to all the good dads out there, Happy Father’s Day. Now earn it by keeping your damn teenager out of the news.

Father’s Day Cocaine Intervention – June 21

Well, if your family’s anything like mine, you know exactly how well this will go. Dad will show up two hours late, higher than a gotdanged bird on the moon, and would proceed to ruin everything. He’ll be jumpy, he’ll cry, and he’ll probably slap Jennifer at least once. But in the end, he’ll go back into rehab. Because the thought of losing his children makes him want one thing and one thing only: Cocaine.

Keith Sweat – Osage Event Center, Tulsa – June 20

Hot dog, it’s Keith Sweat. I probably liked him a lot of years ago, but I don’t really remember what I liked. He’s one of those artists that has just become amalgamated with the scores of basically similar artists of their time. Keith Sweat > Johnny Gill > Babyface > Al B. Sure > Brian McKnight > Tevin Campbell. You can see why I’m so enthusiastic. Here’s the good news though: Fellas, a Keith Sweat show will be packed with more horny girls than A) A convent B) An athletic dorm C) The trunk of my car. If you chose any of those answers instead of D) The classified ads in the back of Plumper’s Helper magazine, well you’re just dumb.

A Father’s Day Train Ride – Oklahoma Railway Museum – June 20

That top event may be a little made up and a bit snarky, but this one is legit. I think the first thing you want to do when preparing for a Father’s Day train ride is to try to come to a consensus on whether or not you should rob the train. Sure, trains don’t really get robbed anymore, but I think that’s what makes it fun. Never mind. You probably shouldn’t try that. You’ll get shot multiple times by multiple guns. I guess just enjoy the ride and try not to go all train-crazy. It’s a very real thing, trust me. Last time I rode a train, I woke up in the sodomy car completely naked and with my nose broken. I’m still a little angry about that, actually. I mean, a sodomy car? Why the shit do they even have that!?

Grand Funk Railroad – Frontier City – June 20

GFR, britches! Based on what I know about Grand Funk Railroad, they’re men and they’re an American band. That’s it. Despite my paunch and my graying hair, I am not quite old enough to be a very big Grand Funk fan. I know age doesn’t matter, but this time it does. I think you should go see them though. You’ll have fun, that’s probably a guarantee. They’re probably all like, “Man, we promise you’ll have fun at our show. If you don’t, well we might just make your day and crash at your place. So, can we crash at your place?”