Woooo! It’s the 4th of July and I’m more excited than a woodpecker in a log cabin. But with expectations like that, I’m bound once again to wind up as disappointed as a woodpecker in a sawdust store. Since I’ll be facedown in a ditch by Friday morning, we decided to go ahead and give you this piece of junk today. Full disclosure: I’m not a big 4th of July guy. I’m very “meh” about it. For one thing, everybody wants me to do something different. “Come to the lake.” “Let’s go downtown.” “[Whore] and [Douchebag] are having people over.” The thing is, I don’t really care too much. It’s not that I don’t care about America and freedom and all that bullshit, it’s that I don’t care about the festivities anymore. Fireworks are neat, but whatever. If I miss them, I’ll be ok. If I happen to be lying on a blanket downtown after accidentally taking mushrooms, then ok. I don’t want to be Donny Downer, or Bobby Bringdown, or uh..Barney Bummer, so have fun. Go wild. Feel free to pop all your Black Cats at once, like a rookie. It won’t bother me.

I’m going to keep things brief this week because it’s a short holiday week and I’m as drunk as kitten in a bathtub full of bathtub booze punch. My surprisingly concise syntax and typing skill is impressing me though, along with all six people who watch me write this thing live every week. I find it helpful to silently type in front of an audience, just to feed off the energy of the room. Sure, Paulie fell asleep ten minutes in, but when he woke up and finally removed all the underwear from his mouth, his feedback was critical and unbiased. He’s a huge help and an easy drunk. We like Paulie. Here’s a somewhat briefened version of that thing I usually do but on Fridays, and that you don’t read. 4th!!

Fourth of July in America (OKC, specifically) – All weekend
If you’ve made it this far, then you’re just willing to ride with me down a slippery road of hypocrisy, laziness, and patriotic redundancies. It would be too scholastic to get into the weird traditions we’ve assigned to Independence Day, but I don’t think being a dick is out of the question. I think it’s funny that some Americans look down on the people of a place like Iran. There’s no way in hell I’m going to try to defend the recent violence there (other than to blame it on a possible large surplus of rocks..??),  but I wish we had half their passion about our country. Their election seemed to have been swayed to favor the less desirable candidate. And this upset them. Get it? It upset them a whole lot, like it should any deceived populace. But Independence Day isn’t about changing people’s outlook on what goes on behind closed doors. It’s about having fun while reminding yourself why you get to have fun. It’s probably not because of anything you’ve really done. But you probably know somebody who directly contributed. So be respectful of their efforts and don’t get drunk and drive through the streets while new windows and apple carts are slowly trying to get across. Don’t do that, because it would look awesome but you would go to jail. Don’t go out and blow off any of your fingers. Or any of your boyfriend’s fingers. I’m not sure why, but that last sentence needs neither clarification nor commentary. Take it as it is. Your boyfriend’s fingers. You blowing them off. Stop it, Chad. It’s too much.  Anyway, for safety’s sake you should probably just head out to something like this, or this, or this I guess. Or maybe even this. There’s plenty to do this weekend, so get to it. Those little plastic flags that were made in China can’t stick themselves in your flowerpots, can they?