FNITBT – August 7-9

Well, it’s Friday and I’m going to assume that we’re all still recovering from our post-SYTYCD Finale parties. Sigh…yes, I’m talking about Fox’s hit show, So You Think You Can Dance?. I can’t help getting invested, living with a hopped-up, dance-crazed sister. I mainly got into the show because of this freak. Some girl named Janeane ended up winning, but that wasn’t the point of our festivities. It was yet another reason to cut loose on a weeknight. And man, what a party. That mess got wild, son! We were playing our usual SYTCD drinking game, which has very strict guidelines: 1) If someone twirls around, take a shot. 2) If someone cries, take a shot. 3) If someone accidentally poops during a lift, take a poop. We were literally shitfaced. Oh, Chad. What a long way to go for nothing. That was a worse payoff than when I dated a girl for seven months only to realize she’d been dead the entire time. Talk about embarrassing!

The Producers – Aug. 4-8 – Civic Center

Not to break your hearts right off the bat, but no–Tony Danza is NOT in town. According to an urban legend, The Producers is somewhat loosely based on a Mel Brooks movie from a long time ago. Having only allowed myself to watch one film ever produced by a person of the Jewish faith, it’s quite a nice coincidence that I chose Mel Brooks’ Blazing Saddles. Since that’s the one I chose, I have to tell myself that it’s the one The Producers is based on. This is how I tell it. To myself. (clears throat)

One day, long ago there were two black sheriffs in a small, racist town somewhere in Hollywood, CA. These two fellas were quite the grifters, and they were cooking up a scheme like you ain’t ever seen before. The plan was to get the dumbass cracker townspeople to invest in what would ultimately be a fake stage production, complete with a 2-D cardboard town. It would be the biggest stage, biggest cast, and biggest flop ever, leaving them with all that sweet, sweet redneck money. In the end the swindled townies learn that race doesn’t matter as much as they thought and when they hang the sheriffs, they do it not out of hatred, but out of spite. Which, according to my friend Herschel, is a very common Jewish theme. If this hasn’t made you want to go yet, just remember how great the shows that Lyric Theater puts on are, and you won’t consider regretting it even once.

Fan Appreciation Night – Aug. 7 – State Fair Speedway

Sweet crunchy fudgeknuckles, it’s here! I can’t be the only fan of super sprints, Pro Stocks, and other made up types of cars going fast in the dirt can I? This thing is probably huge, and it’s totally going to take away from the crowd for event #4, but whatever. People like what they like. If there’s one thing being a newbie on this site has taught me, it’s that many Oklahomans fear change more than they fear tripping on the sidewalk and landing on a gay stem cell. Auto racing is a tradition dating back to before the invention of the automobile, and therefore should be respected. Also, sometimes, stuff blows up real good right in front of those endangered, yet appreciated fans. Weeeeeee!!

Secret Agent Lab Camp (Edmond Christian Academy) – Aug. [some number]

I guess I was wrong — Christians DO believe in science!

The Moons w/The Release – Aug. 7 – VZD’s

Ok, so I guess I can disclose an ulterior motive on this one. That band there, The Moons? Yeah, I play in that one. We haven’t played since December due to a couple of stints in rehab, various domestic disputes with models from the Czech Republic, and our outlandish and numerous side projects. Our friends The Release will be playing as well, and I can almost guarantee that they’ll have gotten their instruments back from the pawn shop, since they’ve all been out of rehab for months now. Yes, Billy Squier is at some casino that night, but how often do you get to trash a Lost Ogle’r for sucking at two different crafts in the same day? According to the stats only once before , when Patrick performed his interpretive dance cycle at OU’s Meachem Hall on the same day that he had posted about some hot girl or some lame politician. Your guess is as good as mine. So I say come out to VZD’s tonight at 42nd & Western. If you ask me, you look like you have exactly five dollars too many.