Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Guns ‘n’ Diamonds, Only In Pauls Valley

Remember in My Cousin Vinnie, there’s that joint called “Pool ‘n’ Chicken” where that super-hot Oscar winning rabbit Marisa Tomei gets stiffed after hustling some pool? Well, there’s a jewelry store in Pauls Valley that is acting in the same spirit. A sharp-eyed Ogle Mole spied this advertisement in last week’s Norman Transcript and sent it on to us:


Yep, that’s right, if you buy a pair of diamond stud earings at O’Neal’s Jewelers in Pauls Valley, they give you a free bolt-action .3006 rifle!  We’d like for them to be called Guns’n’Diamonds, but they’re not there yet.  Now, there is some fine print at the bottom. The offer only applies to the pruchase of 1 carat total weight or larger studs, and no other discounts apply.  Also, purchasers have to clear all required federal and state background checks to get the gun.  The sale ends October 15.

I can’t find anything wrong with this offer. You buy diamonds for her, and you get a gun. And they have to be good diamonds, 1 ct total weight, and not those cheap brown-tinted diamonds with zero clarity like Michael Rapaport bought his fiance in Beautiful Girls. My only concern with this promotion is that someone buys the diamonds, gets the gun, loads the gun, and then robs the store.  But it’s a bolt action and probably a lot slower than the Glock in Thel’s handbag.

One last word of caution for everyone who just had an alpha male homoerotic moment about shooting a big gun: if you’re not a hunter, be prepared for a response from your girlfriend lke the one Vinnie got from Ms. Mona Lisa Vito:


  1. I’m sorry, I can’t even fathom who would take part in this for the sake weapon. I’m not a gun right’s guy. I’m not one that believes, just because you haven’t broken a federal law, you have a right to bear arms. I understand why law enforcement and ag families (ranchers and farmers) have weapons. I’m no longer a hunter, but I also understand their (hunters as a collective) point of view. The majority of the individuals I’ve mentioned, in my opinion would have nothing to do with this offer as would most responsible weapon owners. Competitive shooters would laugh and scoff at the notion. It’s the people that would be interested in it that worry the hell out of me. This is exactly why there should be much tougher sale laws. I can just see it in the near future, ” Buy a car from us and you’ll get a AR-15, M-4, modified SCAR, 30.06.” That add is ridiculous and depraved. My opinion may make me a D*ck to some. So be it! At least I won’t be responsible for an accidental or stolen weapon death.

  2. I’m constantly amazed at the folks that fail to see the humor on this blog. If I remember correctly the stated purpose was snarky humor.

    On the other hand, some backwoods girls are a getting some ear rings with real diamonds. Woo hoo! Bet that don’t happen just everyday.

  3. 1 carat or more total weight? How much meth do you have to sell, or copper wire do you have to steal to cover that? Wouldn’t it be easier to just kick in the door of your neighbor’s mobile home and take their guns?

  4. An intriguing math(meth) question:

    The price of 1ct total weight studs, set in yellow gold, depends on the clarity of the diamond. But the baseline is set by Wal-mart, where they run about $1,099. At the higher end of quality, count on paying $2,500-$5,000.

    A bolt action thirty-ought-six can be bought for $250-400.

    An eight-ball of meth will run $200, a gram will run you $80.

    High-grade copper scrap sells for about $4 a pound. 37-strand copper wiring weight 1.5 pounds per foot. So a foot of copper wiring pulled out of a house under construction in Edmonds sells for $6/foot.

    From this point, it is an algebra problem:

    Earrings = ($80 X Grams of Meth) + ($6 X Feet of Wire)

    Assume the earrings run $2,200 a pair, since O’Neal’s has to cover its overhead plus the wholesale price of the rifle, plus profit. Billy Clyde will have to either sell 27.5 grams of meth, or rip 366.67 feet of wiring out of houses to cover the price of the earrings, or some combination. (Each gram of meth is the equivalent of 13.33 feet of copper wiring).

    @StrangerinaStrangeLand, maybe we can get this on the state’s high school exit exams under basic meth skills.

    It looks like it is probably cheaper to go to Wal-Mart, buy the earrings and the gun, and pocket the $600 difference.

  5. Whoa, I didn’t even see this much education coming. Thanks Eliot. And kicking in the door of your neighbors home gets you neither a new shootin iron, or some sparklies for your lady to sport at China-Mart.

  6. @Eliot

    Bravo! Well played, sir. And not only should that be on the state’s high school exams, it should be the standard for all questions. After all, we’re not just educating, we’re building life skills in our schools.

  7. Eliot FTW

    Post of the Year. In fact, I nominate Eliot to supply this formula for every financial question posed on TLO.

    Eliot, how about a breakdown of MAPS 3 using the basic meth formula?

    It might help put the C of C and Mayor Mick over the top on that one.

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