Surprise, suckers! Yeah, you thought you had another two days before you had to put up with my sorry ass, but no. Here I am. The main reason is that everybody will be either hungover, in a food coma, or in jail come Friday morning.  So what are you doing for Thanksgiving? Hey, shut up. Listen to what I’m doing: I’ll be skipping the 40-person family clusterfest to plaster these sweet pub crawl fliers all over town. I figure everyone will be busy, so I stand a better chance of staying out of jail after stapling fliers onto the sleeping homeless masses. They’re people too, and nobody likes to be alone during the holidays.

Seriously, I’m starting to get jacked up about this pub crawl. I’ve got my Snuggie sleeves cut off and have installed many hidden pockets for contraband. And according to the official Facebook event page, we’re close to 200 “confirmed guests”! That’s pretty crazy, if you think about it. The bad news is that with our throngs of Snuggie warriors, a few of our sexier participants will probably have to sit on my lap at the Drunken Fry. If you can find me, feel free to cop a squat on my crotch. Hmm. That makes it sound less appealing, if that’s possible. So go enjoy some festivities, and have a safe and happy Thanksgiving from all of us.

Sandridge Energy Christmas Tree Lighting – Nov.27 – Kerr Park

Wow. A tree. It’s probably a little early for my brand of Christmas cynicism spirit, but apparently they’ve decided that Christmas starts the day after Halloween now, so screw it. I just left our jack-o-lanterns on the porch and put a little elf’s hat on each one. It’s easier that way. So back to this tree. I guess it’s okay for a local energy corporation whose stocks are down to burn a kilowatt or two in the spirit of the holidays, but I don’t have to care. This thing is the kickoff of Downtown in December, which may not be so festive if we don’t get some damn cold weather. Look, here’s the thing: I’ve seen Christmas lights turned on before. It’s almost as exciting as when they turn off. You should probably take the kids to see the tree light up though. Or you could just wait to go until it’s already lit, cover little Suzie’s eyes with duct tape, then rip it off in front of the tree. It’ll be like it was just lit, and trust me – Suzie will never forget Xmas ‘09!

OKC Turkey Trot – Nov. 26 – Colcord Hotel

You know what I don’t think of when I think of turkey day? Running. To be honest, I sort of look at it as an excuse to do absolutely nothing, which I never tend to need an excuse for anyway. Of course this thing benefits a good cause (I think) so by all means, get up and go run a 5k at 8:00am on Thanksgiving. I’ll be sitting in my boxers waiting on the Jessica Rabbit balloon to round the corner in that stupid parade. Sorry, my phone’s ringing..hang on..WHAT!? I’ve just been told that the Jessica Rabbit balloon has been cut from the parade. Apparently it has Hepatitis C. You can sort of tell by looking now that I think about it. Oh well. So then, where’s that Cathy balloon at? She hates herself just enough to be in my league.

Community Thanksgiving Dinner – Nov. 26 – Some church

Man, just once I’d like to read about a free community holiday dinner that wasn’t at a church or a bum factory. Why would the strip clubs not try to capitalize on this gold mine? They already prey on the weak and the lonely, so a natural progression would be to start preying on the hungry as well. Not that I would eat anything a strip club serves up. My best friend once ordered some “chicken strippers” at Night Trips and we ended up having to leave before either of us even reeked of vanilla or had any glitter in our beards. Nice bowels, Shane. Pshh. But it would be great to see some holiday dishes with the clever wordplay that a strip club can drop on you. You could have a wonderful meal that might include things like green bean asserole, spunkin’ pie, and cranberry sauce. Ok, the last one’s already a euphemism, so it’s too easy. What, you’re not cool enough to know what it means? Well, then you probably haven’t heard of the pièce de résistance of the strip club Thanksgiving dinner, the turfucken. You can find the definition right here, and nowhere else. Mmmm.

Wimgo Simplification Party – RIGHT NOW! – Please??

As my personal assistant Alexander Goldberg can attest, sweet lady Wimgo has gotten a bit full of herself. Al was simply trying to post an event page about our annual Urban Turkey Hunt, sponsored by the local Game Fowl Defamation/Murdering Association. You know, the GFDMA. But my favorite unnecessary-website-with-a-green-cube-for-a-mascot has let us down. Again. Now nobody will know the rules of the turkey hunt, so I’ll just give you the first three:

Rule #1: Don’t talk about Urban Turkey Hunt.

Rule #2: Don’t fire until you see the crest of its caruncle or the expansion of its snood.

Rule #3: Get those damn turkeys off of our streets and into our tummies, by any means necessary. – Malcolm X