We live in a strange and exciting world, people. Things are changing at a pretty rapid pace, with new experiences just a touchscreen flick away. That being said, some things are being pushed aside to make way for the new. One of those things seems to be elephants. But fear not, you ivory-loving tuskophiles. The Oklahoma City and Tulsa zoos have a plan. And it’s sexier than Brazilian Hell! Basically, OKC zookeepers sent a pair of lovely, probably tipsy elephant sisters to Tulsa to get…well, boned, actually. Sisters – and OKC residents – Asha and Chandra were sent to Tulsa in July to “cohabitate” with Sneezy, the Tulsa zoo’s bull elephant. None of the participants in this sexperiment had ever attempted breeding before, so I guess maybe it’s not as slutty as it sounds. Wait, it’s even better: Poor little Sneezy will never have it so good again. Basically his handlers brought in two fine-ass virgin sisters from OKC for him to bang, hoping his boys had swimming power to spare. Don’t get used to it, Sneezy. Oklahoma City girls are some of the classiest, most beautiful girls anywhere, and our elephants are no different. Which is why I feel that our city’s virtue on a whole has been attacked by our angry little brother up North.

So, let’s get this all straightened out. We’re finally moving forward; being a big-league city and all that. T-Town doesn’t have a whole lot to hold over our heads anymore, right? So naturally they stare longingly down the turnpike at our success – and our citizens’ [hopefully] voting to continue that success – and they say to themselves, “Would now be a good time to tell them we de-flowered BOTH of their elephant lady friends?” Apparently they’re still trying to put the icing on that WNBA deal to rub it in our face. Well you know what they’ll have to rub in our face sometime in 2011? That’s right, an adorable baby elephant.

Asha is pregnant; it’s official. Her baby daddy will remain in Tulsa (duh) as she and her sister come back to the City. Chandra’s attempt with Sneezy (within two days of moving in!) was unsuccessful, but you know what they say: If at first you don’t succeed, keep having sex with that particular elephant. So the good news is, Oklahoma is contributing to the world elephant population instead of just the bad haircut and wheeled-personal-vehicle populations, respectively. I’m no animal husbandry expert anymore, but I guess if you send two virgin sister elephants to bang some Tulsa douchebag and he actually gets one of them pregnant, those are pretty good numbers. Now let’s see how long it is before that child support starts rolling in from Tulsa. Don’t be that guy, Sneezy.