Although 2009 didn’t have any local newsmen soiling themselves or women making sex tapes with dogs, the year did have its share of awkward moments. From Kathy Taylor’s multiple personalities to Alien bank robbers, there were many stories worth making fun of.
For a recap of the humorous, ridiculous and delusional Tulsa topics, I’ve compiled the most awkward moments from 2009.
Ireland taught Tulsa that hard work, dedication and illegal substances could give you the she-male look you’ve always craved. Also, having a crotch that can crack walnuts does come in handy.
In February, former mayor Taylor said she would seek re-election. In June, she looked out her window from her Borg cube city hall office and thought to herself, “F*** this.” She announced she would not run for mayor again. Then, she released a political ad about not running. I looked forward to the not-running mailers, not-running phone calls and not-running bumper stickers, but they never materialized.
Whole Foods, a grocery store that doesn’t believe in pesticides, found a poisonous spider in its bananas. Poor spider. Migrated from Brazil for a chance to live the American dream, only to die. TU froze the spider at -80 degrees Fahrenheit, and then announced it couldn’t find the body. A rolled newspaper would’ve had the same effect.
Even Venusians have felt the effects of the recession. Somewhere, Randy Terrill is writing a bill about it.
Tulsan Beau Taylor thought it would be funny to report that UFC fighter Kimo Leopoldo died in Costa Rica. Media outlets around the country reported the story about Leopoldo as he slept peacefully in his California home. Leopoldo is not dead. Beau Taylor is a douche.
“Hey dad, what’s that smell?” “It’s your uncle Jim.” The mausoleum at Floral Haven Cemetery had a slight odor of decomposing body during the hot days of summer. You might know the scent better as Patchouli.
Healthcare, education, roads and economy were not on this mayoral loser’s list of campaign promises. What was her campaign promise? A Creationist Exhibit at the Tulsa Zoo. She desperately wanted to be Northeastern Oklahoma’s Sally Kern. She’d probably win in OKC, but not because any of The Lost Ogle readers. You’re too sane to vote for that type of person.
Tulsa city counselor G.T. Bynum rear-ended a driver while texting. Then, proposed a driving-while-texting ban. He also wants everyone to know it’s a good idea to lower your pants before you sit on the toilet.
The University of Tulsa changed its mascot from a golden carrot to a broad-chested tights-wearing superhero that looks like Jay Leno with a touch of Down Syndrome. Classy.
When Tulsa first announced the possibility of hosting the 2020 Olympics, most people (99 percent) believed there was no chance. Many (.05 percent) have changed their mind. I actually support this, but as Patrick said, “the odds of the Olympics coming to Tulsa are about as high as finding Sally Kern dancing in a gay bar.” Well, move over world, Tulsa is the new gay. Wait, that didn’t come out right.
(P.S. For more countdown fun, check my top 20 from 2009 or all the QuikTrip items that have contributed to my clogged arteries.)
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