Happy St. Pat’s, folks. Now that that’s out of the way… On Monday I was cruising News9.com for stories about decent weather and dumb new laws when I came across this poor bastard’s tale. I’m not sure if it’s sad or funny or both. I see plenty of computer-porn desperation in my line of work, being that I’m sort of a public servant in an anonymous metro “libarry” computer department, but  Mr. Christian (GREAT tribute band) took it too far.

So it was decided in the TLO offices (by a round of Ultimate Deathball, naturally) that I should discuss some behaviors that could be warning signs of your escalating addiction. Admittedly, I’m probably doing a service to all our already-porn-addict readers because now they’ll be harder to spot, but they always slip up. Here are a few red flags that almost always indicate you’re becoming a pervert.

Sunglasses – I mean, that’s like, the #1 thing suspicious people grab to hide their identity. You’re not fooling anybody, unless you’re blind. In that case, then I’ll admit that maybe you actually did just fool me. I never expect to see a blind person, so when I do I’m always a little bit fooled at first. “Is that suspicious looking guy drunk or something? Is he ‘with’ that dog or something? Oh..wait.” Sometimes I feel bad, but only after the few occasions when I’ve actually had to ask. Blind people are angry these days.

Check out the rest after the jump…

Paranoia – Sure, we’re all a little paranoid these days. What with all the identity theft and swine flu and computer perverts, but it’s still easy to look like a paranoid weirdo and not know it. Maybe don’t look over your shoulder every three minutes. Maybe stop checking your watch and phone and wallet. Maybe stop curling half your body around the monitor to hide what you’re watching. That only makes people think you’ve eaten more than a few meals while guarding a tray of prison food. Stop worrying. There’s probably nobody trying to kill you.

 Impatience – Look, here’s the bottom line: nobody who’s using the Internet in the library at one o’clock in the afternoon is in a big rush to get anywhere. That’s probably almost wholly untrue – and an unfair generalization at the same time – but I call it like I see it. You know who rushes around? People who are secretly looking for porn and people who are addicted to FarmVille, that’s who. Neither group should be able to vote, by the way.  If you’re at a public computer in the afternoon everybody already thinks you’re high, so just go with it and take your time.

 Wealth – Complete red flag. You rich people don’t do anything where the “public” “hangs out”. A rich guy who doesn’t have someone on staff to organize and secure his pornography can hardly be called rich, I say. If it’s important enough to make you mingle with the po’ folk, then it must be super hot. I almost forgive you your lack of understanding because our society’s class system dictates that you never interact with real people and thus have no social skills outside of your wealthy little bubble. But also, screw you. If I was rich I’d be all cool about it, and you know I would.

 No Pants – Well, duh. Don’t even try to make eye contact with anyone. Just start trying to get your mind around the idea of being on the news in handcuffs and no pants. It shouldn’t be long.