Yeah, I’m back. You only thought you killed me. But like a poorly-written movie villain full of kung-fu treachery, or that girl from Rok Bar who you always make out with after five Red Bull & vodkas, I just keep coming back for more punishment. Here’s a re-cap of the OM3 Week 2 action. I promise to make at least one comment about “boobs”. Let’s go..
West Region, Upper Bracket
(1) Carrie Underwood vs. (16) Scott Bradley ““ Carrie, 86%
Good call, folks. You chose a fairly-talented and moderately gorgeous American Idol over a terrifying psycho-drifter sent here to collect souls and panties to take back to Hell with him. Without looking at all the results yet, I’m just going to assume that this is a good sign and that somehow that dreaded Real Traber/Dave-Mo matchup somehow just ended in a bloody 50-50 draw. I bet there was lots of screaming and flashing of peace signs. Gross.
Check out the rest after you jump..
(8) Toby Keith vs. (9) Chera Kimiko – Kimiko, 72%
REVENGE! Based solely on her very vaguely-Asian-sounding last name, I’m going to say that this little beef (even though it wasn’t) is settled. Finally, both sides of this never-ending war between below-average-American Toby Keith and all Asian people on Earth can just relax. We’ve ended your little war for you. You’re welcome.
(4) Bob Stoops vs. (13) The Video Vigilante – Stoops, 69%
Hey Bob, guess what just happened: You won a big matchup on your way to not winning it all. Again.
(5) Thunder Girls vs. (12) Ed Kelly – Girls, 87%
Duh. People like hot girls who know how to shake it. [Some] People dislike slanted news, bad websites and waiting until you hit another raccoon to update your hairdo.
West Region, Lower Bracket:
(6) Jesse Jane vs. Clark Matthews – Jesse, 69%
Look on the bright side, Clark: Jesse Jane won with the only percentage she’s ever heard of. As a math guy, that should give you some solace.
(3) Kelly Ogle vs. Larry Jones – Ogle, 79%
When are we going to get around to hearing any of these Ogle boys’ dark secrets? Sure, Larry Jones’s secrets were pretty newsworthy, but I’d imagine the skeletons in the Ogle closets are pretty tame. Things like, when Kelly has a bbq he never invites Kent, or maybe Ken has killed three people that I know of.*
*All things that I made up. Right?
(7) Real Jim Traber vs. (10) Dave Morris ““ RJT, 72%
I wonder how long it will be before Real Jim starts screaming about his low margin of victory against the King of OKC Douchery. He was in the majors, after all. Based on the above pic though, his big-boy pants weren’t called up with him. But he’ll still get on the radio and loudly boast about winning a meaningless competition, because that’s what he does. It would be like me bragging about the time I knocked out a baby. One shot and she just went down.*
(2) Mayor Mick vs. (15) FOGzie – Mick, 79%
Well, yeah. This is a no-brainer. If he can beat this guy in an incredibly weak race for the mayoral throne, there’s no limit to his dangerous power. Soon we’ll all be bald and off carbs. That’s just great.
South Region, Upper Bracket:
(1) Kristin Chenowith vs. (16) Alex Cameron’s HBO Shirt – K-Chin, 83%
What’s not to like about this girl? I mean, she’s gorgeous, talented, really short, and has lots of hilarious names for her privates. She could totally repeat. That being said, I’d like to let my wife know I’m still pulling for her. Don’t worry babe, these are just words I have to write. We’ve got that forever-kind-of-love. XOXOXX..F
(8) The Pioneer Woman vs. (9) Dean Blevins – TPW, 55%
Oooh, pretty close call! First of all, congrats to Ree Drummer for advancing. I bet the defeat made Deano slip or fall or pee or something. I don’t know. What I do know is that no pioneer in history ever wrote about having a $100,000 kitchen in a palatial country home. Make me a sandwich.
(4) Jennifer Pierce vs. (13) Mary Fallin – Pierce, 87%
Well done, readers. Well done. Hot trumps crazy. Urr’y time. Am I right, fellas?
(5) Jamie Cerreta vs. (12) Mike Gundy – Cerreta, 54%
Definitely closer than it should be. Oh, I forgot that I promised to mention “boobs” somewhere in the re-cap. Well, this is as good a time as any: Mike Gundy is one of the biggest boobs in college sports. There, I did it!
South Region, Lower Bracket
(6) The Rascal Racers vs. (11) Jenni Carlson – Racers, 72%
Bad news, Jenni Carlson: Turns out we like ‘em big. Your drastic weight loss strategy for Ogle Madness has only served to make you healthier and less interesting. If we gave out participation trophies, I would just throw yours away to be mean.
(3) Brad Henry vs. (14) Keiton Page – Brad, 53%
Are you guys for real? Or, in the words of the very eloquent Patrick, “Seriously?” I can’t believe that everyone’s favorite governor only won by 29 votes over some white kid in Stillwater. True story: Pretty sure when Patrick mentioned Keiton Page on that awesome radio show we do, my response was close to “Is she that black news chick on channel 5?” So there you have it.
(7) Matt Kemp vs. (10) Sgt. Jennifer Wardlow – Wardlow, 67%
(2) Wayne Coyne vs. (15) Doritos Prostitute – Wayne, 69%
Why do I get the feeling that Wayne would be ok with losing a matchup against a “Doritos Prostitute”? Knowing Wayne like I do – and we’re like this – I’m pretty sure he’d just find it “funny and weird”. He’s pretty cool for some dude in his 40s from OKC. GO weirdness!
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