Here at The Lost Ogle, we love the ladies and the ladies love us back. So when Patrick set me up on a blind date, I excitedly said “Whatever.” Disappointment didn’t hide for long. If you read this site  ““ or if you’re a bouncer at a south side McDonald’s or WalMart – you’ve no doubt already met my date. Her name is Ms. Cierra Steed.

Cierra Steed had an eventful Tuesday.

Steed, 20, was arrested twice by Oklahoma City police in the span of 18 hours, the first time after she crawled into the drive-through window of a southside McDonald’s, police spokeswoman Sgt. Jennifer Wardlow said. The second time was after a Walmart employee called police and said Steed was caught shoplifting.

Talk about a bad week!  I figured I would just take Ceirra out for a fun night and help her forget some of her troubles. It didn’t quite work that way, as you’ll soon find out. Based on what I remember, the following breakdown of our date should serve as a warning to anyone out there who dares to date a white-trashy criminal. It was bad. I mean, she’s not even 21. Where the hell was I supposed to take her? Here goes..

Dinner

Ok, so the first red flag went up before I even hung up the phone prior to our date. I had to call “right at  5:40″ because that was the only time she would be by a payphone. For real? You would think she’d just shoplift herself a nice pre-paid or something. Whatever. So I pick her up at what can only be described as a “shed”, and I didn’t even have to honk. She was actually pretty punctual. Or hungry. There’s no telling.

As far as dinner was concerned, I was pretty sure McDonald’s was out. That was a bummer, because I know it’s her favorite. Look at that; I’m actually a total sweetheart if you get to know me. Anyway, I sort of figured that a close second on her list would be my neighborhood ice cream and dairy store, so we hauled ass to Braum’s. By the time we got there, we were pretty stoned, so it was definitely delicious. She’s sort of fun. I’d never seen a person chug a milkshake before. Crazy. There were even nuts and cookies in it.

Check out the sordid details after the jump:

Dancing

They should just build a damn monorail that runs from every Braum’s straight to Graham’s. That would be sweet. They could call it the White Trash Milkshake Express. But that wouldn’t have helped me, as my date was a minor. Sigh. This is getting complicated.

Entertainment: Parts 1-3

Breaking Idea: Bricktown! I mean, duh. What trashy country girl doesn’t love a romp through the playful E Coli-spouting Bricktown fountains? I don’t know of any. So we lollygagged our way to OKC’s “Family Entertainment District” that’s more well-known for sketchy douchebags with pockets full of roofies than family fun.

Disclaimer: I don’t like Bricktown. There’s nothing there for me. I used to hang out at Tapwerks back when friends worked there and the drinks were free, but now the whole thing is depressing. I’m single, childless, and cooler than an Eskimo marriage, so I usually choose hipper outlets for my fun.

That being said, my date had a total blast romping through the fountains and pushing children to the ground. It was like she’d never been there before. Maybe she hadn’t. So once her “fancy” pink wife-beater was thoroughly soaked, I decided it was time for some OKC nostalgia.

Now don’t think ill of me, but after the fountain-frolicking we went back to my car. No, I wasn’t trying to “get some”. Not yet. She needed to change shirts (She had some sort of dispenser full of tank tops in her bag. Kleenex-style.) and I thought that would be a good time to gauge her trashiness, so I whipped out the laptop and pulled up an old Blazers game online. She cheered for the fights, drank beer during goals, and for the most part thought it was supposed to be a Jets vs. Sharks-style rumble, without the choreography. Basically, she was a perfect Blazers fan. I knew she would be. After the game I realized it was getting late and we both needed a pick-me-up, so we headed east on I-40, straight into meth country.  It was time for a quaint Country Meth Lab Tour.

I’d heard about a Country Meth Lab Tour that I just knew would knock her socks off, if she had been wearing any or owned any, and I wasn’t disappointed. It was crazy. She knew like, every single ingredient. I guess that’s impressive. Once we were done getting all the meth-culture I could stand, it was time to say goodnight. Now, don’t get it twisted: I’m a total gentleman. I would never kiss and tell, even if you begged. But I will say that I didn’t kiss her goodnight. I left her virtue intact and her name in good standing. Better than she could, apparently. But I can’t really account for what went down after I dropped her off at Patrick’s house. He won’t even talk about it. When I saw him the next day he was all freaked out under his kitchen table like D.B. Sweeney after the aliens brought him back in that movie about that guy. So I guess it went bad. Or it went completely AWESOME.

Needless to say, I’m turned off of blind dates for a while. I mean, I pretty much went just so I could write about it. Please don’t tell my adoring wife. Actually, it doesn’t really matter since she’s the coolest girl on Earth. Just try to break us up!

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