Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Page 3: Why Your City Sucks: Stillwater

Because OSU is there! HAHAHAHAHAHA. Thank you and goodnight!

But seriously though, despite being a Sooner, there are a number of good reasons to rip on Stillyville. I’ve made many trips up I-35 (most of my friends went to Oklahoma State) and even though there are negatives, Stillwater is a nice college town. Very friendly atmosphere with a nice small town, down-home type of feel and there is a true spirit about the town. It’s infectious.

But this is about the bad things. So here’s a few from me:

1. It smells like poo. I’d say this is the most obvious issue with Stillwater. When you’re driving into town, you smell poo poo. It gives a nice feel to exactly where you’re at: Small time Oklahoma. Where cattle roam free and no building is taller than two stories. I’ve always wondered what high prized football and basketball recruits think when they arrive in Stillwater only to be greeted by that lovely aroma. I’m sure the first thing on their mind is, “Yeah, this is definitely where I want to spend the next four years playing basketball.”

2. The Strip. This is the small area that’s basically the college bars. And it’s not bad honestly. There are a good number of bars in a small area and you can hop around all night. But one thing that I always had an issue with in them (mom if you’re reading this, I never went in, I just heard from a friend): There aren’t any floors. Maybe they’re trying to stick with the whole cowtown schtick, but I’m not a huge fan of showing up to an establishment in flip-flops, only to get sand/dirt all over my feet. Yes, that’s not a huge deal, but when you put sand/dirt on the ground, it encourages spitting of tobacco, throwing down of trash and other releases of bodily fluids. So while I’m walking around this place and I feel a touch of good stick to my big toe, I just have to think one thing: I’m in Stillwater.

3. 51 Highway is the longest road known to man. I hate Stillwater for this main reason. I’m driving up I-35 and I see a “Stillwater Exit 1 mile” sign. I’m thinking I’m making fantastic time. I’m high-fiving friends, calling my parents and alerting newspapers. With only going seven miles over, I got from Norman to Stillwater in 40 minutes! THIS HAS TO BE A RECORD. But of course I forgot about Highway 51. I think it’s aptly named that, because much like Area 51, it’s makes you question whether or not Stillwater is actually a myth.

Google Maps says it’s only 12 minutes down it to Stillwater, but I swear it takes 45. Plus, it’s the cop capital of the universe. They line the streets like middle-aged men at Mardi Gras. I prefer Norman to Stillwater for a number of reason, but high ranking on the list is the fact once I exit I-35, I don’t have to take a trip down The Lost Highway to town. Every time I start wondering if I took a wrong turn or something and then boom, there’s that Braum’s right on the edge of town and I realize, I’ve made it to the worst place in the universe. How lucky am I.

4. Contrary to popular belief (in Stillwater), the movie Almost Famous was not about your lame town. Just thought that should be cleared up. Actually, I don’t know if that’s popular belief, but I saw a kid wearing a “Stillwater” shirt one time there and he thought it was the coolest thing ever. F that guy.

5. There are four things to do: 1) Get in fights 2) Drink 3) Gripe about OU and all those prettyboys that go there. 4) Drink, then get in a fight with some prettyboy from OU.

Now it’s time for Stillwater expert Clark Matthews, to give you some information:

First of all, I must make it clear that Stillwater is God’s country and I love it with all my heart. The place is perpetually populated by hot women, including, for a time, the lovely Mrs. Matthews. I’d go on about the great entertainment and wonderful university, but once you mention attractive females, our readers are sold.

However, the police in Stillwater (Campus and otherwise) can be a little overly diligent. And I’m not referring just to the reams of paper they use to issue tickets to every student who visits the Edmon Low Library.

Two examples:

1. One Sunday afternoon, some of my fraternity brothers decided to head over to the Colvin Fields to toss around a football as practice for intramural football. Being a weekend day without football, 75% of the student population had returned to their hometowns to get their laundry done. So, the parking lot, made for a couple hundred cars, was empty. There were probably eight of us in a caravan of three cars, but one guy parked a little crooked. When I say crooked, I am not talking about one of those people in their luxury car who parks in two spots at a 45 degree angle to avoid door dings. I mean, he turned a little early so that one of his wheels slightly crossed the yellow line, and being as how the lot was empty (did I mention the lot was empty?) he didn’t back up again and re-park.

About fifteen minutes into our pseudo-practice one of Oklahoma State’s Finest pulls up the the field and wanders over to our gathering to ascertain whether one of us owned the poorly parked vehicle. He then threatened to have it towed if the owner didn’t immediately go and straighten out his parking job.

2. Up at 3:30 on a Saturday night while studying for an Advanced Accounting test that would determine if I got to leave the school with a diploma, I decided I needed a study break. Considering the time frame, I thought it might be a good time to procure some caffeinated beverages, so I chose to venture out to the Wal Mart that was separated from my apartment by a mile and a half of neighborhood roads.

Due to a recent ice storm, I drove incredibly cautiously, but as I got to the stoplight leading to the Supercenter’s parking lot some red and blue lights appeared in my rear view mirror. The officer approached my vehicle and shined his flashlight right in my eyes as he asked for my license and registration. He then asked me if I knew why I’d been pulled over. I was floored when he informed me that he had witnessed me cross the center line (probably to avoid a patch of ice on a desolate street), and then questioned whether I had had anything to drink that night. He didn’t like my response of “I had a Dr. Pepper with dinner.” He made me get out of the car and made me do four sobriety tests (follow the flashlight with my eyes, say my ABC’s, walk a straight line, and touch my nose with my forefinger) which I passed easily…primarily because I don’t drink.

Even after this, he made me stand outside while he radioed in my driver’s license number to check for outstanding warrants. While this was happening, I briefly put my hands in my pockets (remember ice storm and early hours of the morning) and briefly had a service weapon pointed at me. He finally let me go after spending about half an hour allowing all the actual drunk drivers going home from the TumbleWeed to pass unmolested.

I think we’re fizzling out here, so this might be the last one. I don’t want to be that guy beating a theme column into the ground. But if I didn’t cover a city you want roasted, email me I suppose. dailythunder@gmail.com.

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Comments

  1. Norman police are not that much better.

    A fraternity brother and his girlfriend (who was driving) who went to McDonald’s at 2 AM because they were hungry (and were up since they’re in college in a college town, duh). A cop followed them from the McDonald’s all the way into the neighborhood where she got pulled over and was given a verbal warning about “rolling stop at a stop sign” a while back. Then another one of my fraternity brothers who happened to be right behind them also got pulled over by the same cop just after he was done with my friends (I don’t remember the reason for that but it was pretty much BS, too).

    And then another couple of my fraternity brothers had problems after they got a ticket for fireworks. It’s not the ticket that was the problem; it was the fact the cop couldn’t remember how much the fine was so they had to GO TO COURT to receive the fine. He was patrolling on July 4th; how could a cop NOT remember the fine for fireworks on the Fourth of July?

    • Why would your friend have to go to court to find out the amount of the fine? Couldn’t they just call the City court office and find out? I’m sure if they had went down to pay it prior to their court date, they would have found out how much it was…

  2. I know what stink you were talking about.

    After many years of locals griping, (and probably a wealthy oil man that likes to visit his still vacant acreage on the north side of the stadium that bears his name) they did move the pig barn off the main entry way into Stillwater.

    That means Ponca City has regained the “Worst Smelling Entryway Into An Oklahoma Town.” But Ponca, you better keep your eye on Wynnewood.

    • I think Ponca’s title is safe. Based on their safety record, odds are the Wynnewood refinery will blow up/burn down sometime soon.

  3. when i lived in willham south (one of the four big towers that used to be there) the parking situation was horrendous. one night i drove around looking for an open spot for 20 minutes. literally. i finally found 3/4 of a space (some good ol’ boy’s pickup was kind of overflowing from the next spot over) and squeezed my little saturn in there. the next day i went out to my car, the truck was gone and *I* had a ticket for “failure to park between the lines.”

    also in my two years in stillwater i received a ticket for “parking against the flow of traffic,” a warning for “failure to yield to a pedestrian in the crosswalk” (which is a bit inaccurate since, judging by my lack of a criminal record, i didn’t hit anyone which obviously means i must’ve yielded to something), and an inordinate amount of tickets for parking in the wrong lot (since on game days my dorm parking lot (bennett hall this time) was ruled “posse parking only” and us lowly, paying students had to find somewhere else to park).

    stillwater’s an ok place to spend a couple of days, but i HATED living there.

  4. First off, what place are you talking about that has dirt/sand instead of a floor? If you are talking about Murphys or Willie’s i would just like to inform you that the fenced area you might be talking about is called a “patio” and it is outside.

    Second, couldn’t agree more about the cops. I have been pulled over multiple times by both OSUPD and Stillwater PD for things like my fog lights being on, or “i just pulled you over to verify your tag”, or “today we are pulling over any car that is silver”. They suck.

    Go Thunder.

  5. Adarius Bowman = all american, according to one illustrious patron of the bars on the Strip one forgotten Halloween. The willingness of OSU’s athletes to mingle with the common folk is reason enough to call the town great.

  6. What, no “Why Your City Sucks: Gotebo”?

    Can we morph this into “Why your High School Sucks”?

  7. A very wise man once told me to never trust anyone that wouldn’t have one drink with you………………..

  8. Stillwater gives me a couple of reasons to laugh. Yeah, it can be a great place and they do have some beautiful looking honey’s up there but….

    1) Eskimo Joe’s – This is about the nastiest most unsanitary place there is in Stillwater. Has anyone read any of the health department citations for this place? It seems like locals will never step foot in there so it is mainly used by guido’s and hillbilly tourist.

    2) In Stillwater there is a university. Oklahoma State University has graced the state and the nation with some of the best student athletes of the modern era. Dexter Manley came out and told the world that he graduated from OSU and couldn’t read, and now with Dez Bryant speaking at press conferences I wonder if the phrase “student athletes,” should be exempt from the Stillwater campus.

  9. Love the column. However, in Oklahoma, we’re not required to carry automobile registrations in our cars. Why would he ask for yours?

  10. Scratching my head about how someone could write an entire page about how Stoolwater sucks and not use the term “Stoolwater”?

    And, yes, Norman Police, and OU Parking Patrol are equally bored and anal as the Fifes in Stillwater. The only difference is in Norman you have to be alert for coaches driving around texting while in Stoolwater, the coaches are more likely to be driving under the influence.

  11. THe “smell” thing is more of a myth I think. I dont really remember a smell and there definitely isnt one now when I visit. However, yes, highway 51 sucks, cops suck, fat parking cop that seemed to be everywhere at once sucked, and the strip, although cheap and fun, has dirty, dirty bars, which kind of sucked.

    Also, I dont think its quite time to retire the your town sucks column. Way too many sucky towns left that need to be bashed.

  12. In Stilly, parking tickets were a given. The trick is to work them to your advantage. For instance, when it was time to buy the books at the Student Union Bookstore, we’d get a car full of friends together and chip in an equal share each of the parking ticket we knew we’d get for parking in the Regent’s parking space. I mean, it was only $5 each to park RIGHT THERE and not have to lug neck-muscle-strain-inducing bookloads across campus.

  13. I’d rather live in Norman. Even so, Karsten Creek, the Atherton Hotel, Bad Brad’s and Red Dirt music earn Stillwater high marks in my book. My friends from Connecticut freaked out though when we passed the Bull Test Station on the way into town. I told them that the old timers around town tell stories about when they had to do it manually! ;-)

  14. You guys can’t give this up until you’ve at least covered Lawton and Mangum, two of SW Oklahoma’s finest armpits. And in the future, provided you keep doing this, you could certainly do Why Your City Sucks for wherever the Oklahoma Militia sets up shop…

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