Five Things NOT to Do…With Stimulus Money

Hey, I’m back! I know ““ let’s just get right to it. Recently, a sidewalk in Boynton, OK was put on a list ““ by Tom Coburn and John McCain – of the 100 most wasteful government programs, nationwide. Think about that for a second. That sidewalk must be wastefuler than hell. There’s no way the government’s secret bird army or creepiest robot ever made were less wasteful. But it’s nice to be on the list.

That being said, I figured it was at least plausible for me to offer some advice on spending, or not spending, any of that sweet ass stimulus money that comes OKC’s way. So here are five things not to do with butt-tons of them free, stimulating government duckets.

Complete A Damn Road Project

Up until now, nobody has ever spoken up about the condition of Oklahoma’s roads and bridges, or the seemingly endless construction projects. But I’m brave and drunk enough to do just that. Now, I could be close to 85% wrong, but I believe that out of the 5,432 road projects over the last ten years, only six were completed. Do you see a 100ft-high super highway anywhere? Me either. I do a lot of driving, and if these projects are completed anytime soon I’ll be writing to some editors, believe you me. So why not spend stimulus money to get these projects fixed? Because then I couldn’t bitch about it. Kind of selfish, I guess.

Acquire Another Minor League Sports Team

What a dumb idea. Of course we’re way more pumped for jacking the Thunder than we are for landing the Barons. That’s to be expected. But the people will stand up and fight if we use stimulus money (Which my “source” tells me we’re getting “butt-tons” of ““ and he’s been right three times!) to get say, an MLS team. Or maybe one of those pro lacrosse teams. Yeah, that’d be dumber than hell! Ooh ““ maybe we could buy one of those slutty female golfers. They have those. I’ve seen them.

Renovate the Tower Theater

Please, please, don’t do it. I won’t know my way around that part of OKC without the run-down, no-people-in-line, horseshit theater to mark my whereabouts. There have been rumors of Garth Brooks and Wayne Coyne buying it and turning it into a tacky shirt and bubble factory, but that’s probably just talk. Sounds too good to be true, if you ask me. Without the Tower looking like a piece of burned doo-doo, I could end up in a sketchy neighborhood instead of the one with all the delicious food. Which is why I drive so much in the first place.

Put Us All Under a Hermetically-Sealed Protective Dome

I mean..that’s just crazy, right? Right?? I saw that Simpsons movie; it can be done. Surely nobody’s really put any thought into that. They would be run out of town in a crazy jacket. Unless of course, that town was Houston. Horrible, horrible town.

Build a Midget Strip Bar District

Seriously ““ that would be like, awesome. Wouldn’t it! (odd, childish laughter) Man, I’d be there every day almost or something. That would be cool.

UPDATE: I don’t recall typing that last one. I actually had something pretty clever in that spot. That Patrick is a real scamp. Does “scamp” still mean “woman in disguise”?