In case you forgot why people across the country think Oklahomans are nothing but inbred hillbillies who eat meth for breakfast and lasso tornados, Channel 4 decided it was time to remind you.
Yep, it’s just your regular old Oklahoma tale of a half nude lady with a teenage mustache trying to steal a toothless man’s baby and pat his mother’s husband. Or as we like to call it at The Lost Ogle headquarters, a Toby Keith song.
Check out some of my favorite things about the news story after the jump.
1. The lady’s name is Mary Ott.
How many times do you think that some drunk guy in Paul’s Valley has mentioned to his friends at the bar “Looks like I’m stayin’ at the Mary Ott tonight.” And how much do you want to bet that his friends then made fun of him?
Also , a group of friends and I went to New Orleans for a bachelor party about a year ago. One of my friends “” we’ll call him Bob “” got separated from the pack. We texted him to find out where he was, and his reply was “Marry Ott.” Yes, Marry Ott. Turns out, Bob was drunk and scavenging for chicks in the Marriot Hotel Bar in the French Quarter. We think he may have hooked up with something that looks like the Mary Ott in the video above.
2. The Scroggins Family.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever known anyone with the last name Scroggins, but these people sure look the part. No offense to the son’s lack of teeth, but I think may favorite of the two Scroggins we would be Mamma Scroggins. You have to love her ironic hipster bowl cut, her shirt and whatever else is going on there. You also have to love that she apparently gets “petted” by her husband when she wakes him up on the couch. Which reminds that I will probably never set on a couch ever again in my life, except when I go to Mathis Brothers.
3. Mary Ott tried to get into another house by “breaking a window.”
Here’s some advice for all the ladies out there. If the only way you can get into a man’s house is by breaking out a window, there’s a good chance that the man probably doesn’t want you in the house. And breaking out a window won’t change his mind. Just sayin”¦
4. Police needed rubber gloves to arrest Mary Ott.
Gloves? That’s it? You’d need to get me inside one of those radioactive suits that the bad guys in ET wear before I’d touch that lady. She looks like she smells like pee and gravy.
5. Mr. Scroggins’ near petting experience.
No offense to Ms. Scroggins, but if I was trapped on a desert island with her and Marry Ott and suicide and castration weren’t options, I’d probably pick Mary Ott. So you can only imagine what that dude thought when he woke up and Mary was bottomless on the couch next to him. He probably yelled “Meth Pot!!!”
6. Joleen Chaney is attractive.
Call me Captain Obvious, but I just needed to share that fact.
7.The Scroggins Family Decorative Autumn Wreath.
That wreath is so awesome it almost made me not notice the green trim, chipping pain and random stove underneath the car port at the Scroggins home.
Anyway, I could keep on writing about highlights from this video for another week or two, so I should stop. Tell us your highlights in the comments.
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