Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

The one where a half nude lady with a mustache tries to steal a toothless man’s baby.

In case you forgot why people across the country think Oklahomans are nothing but inbred hillbillies who eat meth for breakfast and lasso tornados, Channel 4 decided it was time to remind you.

Yep, it’s just your regular old Oklahoma tale of a half nude lady with a teenage mustache trying to steal a toothless man’s baby and pat his mother’s husband.  Or as we like to call it at The Lost Ogle headquarters, a Toby Keith song.

Check out some of my favorite things about the news story after the jump.

1.  The lady’s name is Mary Ott.
How many times do you think that some drunk guy in Paul’s Valley has mentioned to his friends at the bar “Looks like I’m stayin’ at the Mary Ott  tonight.”  And how much do you want to bet that his friends then made fun of him?

Also , a group of friends and I went to New Orleans for a bachelor party about a year ago.  One of my friends “” we’ll call him Bob “” got separated from the pack.  We texted him to find out where he was, and his reply was “Marry Ott.”  Yes, Marry Ott.  Turns out, Bob was drunk and scavenging for chicks in the Marriot Hotel Bar in the French Quarter.  We think he may have hooked up with something that looks like the Mary Ott in the video above.

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2. The Scroggins Family.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever known anyone with the last name Scroggins, but these people sure look the part.  No offense to the son’s lack of teeth, but I think may favorite of the two Scroggins we would be Mamma Scroggins.   You have to love her ironic hipster bowl cut, her shirt and whatever else is going on there.  You also have to love that she apparently gets “petted” by her husband when she wakes him up on the couch.  Which reminds that I will probably never set on a couch ever again in my life, except when I go to Mathis Brothers.

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3. Mary Ott tried to get into another house by “breaking a window.”
Here’s some advice for all the ladies out there.  If the only way you can get into a man’s house is by breaking out a window, there’s a good chance that the man probably doesn’t want you in the house.  And breaking out a window won’t change his mind.  Just sayin”¦

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4. Police needed rubber gloves to arrest Mary Ott.
Gloves? That’s it?  You’d need to get me inside one of those radioactive suits that the bad guys in ET wear before I’d touch that lady.  She looks like she smells like pee and gravy.

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5. Mr. Scroggins’ near petting experience.
No offense to Ms. Scroggins, but if I was trapped on a desert island with her and Marry Ott and suicide and castration weren’t options, I’d probably pick Mary Ott.  So you can only imagine what that dude thought when he woke up and Mary was bottomless on the couch next to him.  He probably yelled “Meth Pot!!!”

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6. Joleen Chaney is attractive.
Call me Captain Obvious, but I just needed to share that fact.

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7.The Scroggins Family Decorative Autumn Wreath.
That wreath is so awesome it almost made me not notice the green trim, chipping pain and random stove underneath the car port at the Scroggins home.

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Anyway, I could keep on writing about highlights from this video for another week or two, so I should stop.  Tell us your highlights in the comments.

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Comments

  1. Let’s see if I’m following you on this. You seem to be insinuating that these folks are somehow unusual or different and that they somehow affect how others see our state. There seems to be a fine line between hicks and hipsters, maybe they are just hipsters.

    I do agree about Joleen though.

  2. I does make me crack a smile when they use the phrase mobile newsroom. Isn’t it just a converted cargo van?

  3. Seeing where this took place and how these people live and act, I was waiting for Leatherface to walk by in the background.

  4. That video was hilarious. It was probably the most fun the editors had all week. Keep in mind that all this happened outside the “city” limits. We would never see anything like this on the Northside.

  5. Mama Scroggins “smile” was helpful in reminding me that I need to get a Halloween pumpkin and start doing some carving. I got a screen shot of her so I will have a sweet template to reference.

  6. So, Pa Scroggins didn’t realize this wasn’t his wife until AFTER her pants were off? Well, sure, I can see the resemblence, and it was dark, but…

    • Joleen always gets the small-town stories, particularly in the south half of the state. Now if she’d like to re-enact for the camera…

    • Did Joleen cut off her sleeves just so she’d seem more approachable to the family?

      And she wears way too much eyeliner in real life.

  7. I saw this on the news the other day and thought “This is Oklahoma”. Especially after seeing thousands of these people at the State Fair last week, since they are pretty much the vast majority of the people who go to the fair. That and goth kids who storm the place at 6 PM, scaring anyone with any sense away. When Mama showed up on screen I noticed between her and her son there were probably only 3 teeth amongst them. Then I wondered just how far down did those HUGE pendulous boobs of hers go? Below the belt maybe? Then my brain shut down, thank goodness.

  8. “That’s when they found 34-year-old Mary Ott naked from the waist down inside a vehicle parked in front of the Scoggins home.”

    Kinda makes me think of the old “which mermaid would you rather be stuck with” paradox – top half woman/bottom half fish or top half fish/ bottom half woman?

  9. Didn’t somebody record a song about:”I guess that’s why they call it the news?” Jim Duffy, or someone named similarly, began measuring viewer response to news by attaching electrodes to the skin of people watching news and determining what they did and did not like based on those reactions in the mid 1970s. As I recall it had the acronym ERA, an acronym otherwise abused in the ’70s.
    Then Frank Magid opened his war on responsible journalism, which signaled the death of same. Witness “Eyewitness News,” beginning on WABC in the mid ’70s. This gave us Geraldo Rivera. His Willow Brook and Immigrant Workers reports were spectacular, but he went from that to Al Capone’s treasure house. BLOTTO! Don’t forget Gloria Rojas, parodied so beautifully by Gilda Radner on SNL as Roseanne Rosanadanna(Never mind!).
    Then the colleges changed journalism to mass communications. They reduced the requirement to write and speak coherently to broadcast formulae; headline format, incomplete sentences, declarative statements, subjunctive abuse, improper syntax, etc(that is et cetera((and others)) for college mass communications graduates since 1975 when colleges adapted the the post-Watergate syndrome. Attracting viewers counts; accuracy and content are nice, if you can find a way to make them part of the story. Never let the facts get in the way of a story justified by political correctness.
    Why do we expect anything different.

  10. I went to middle school with a kid named Scroggins. He made out with his cousin. Looks like they might all be “closely” related.

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