Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Spence Sez: Hold My Stones!

Howdy friends! Hope you are having a great week thus far. I was really hoping Bibi Jones would have submitted a question for this week’s post, but she didn’t… instead she retweeted my tweet asking her to submit a question. Which I thought would send porn spam-bots my way, but it didn’t. Instead, my inbox was filled with pictures of Price Fallin doing his best Keith Stone impression. More about that in the questions.

How can I make Price Fallin my boyfriend? -@xCawoodstock

Our first question comes from new TLO contributor Chelsea! Well, as my favorite street artist, Banksy, once said, “A lot of mothers will do anything for their children, except let them be themselves.” Which might explain why Christina is a hipster. Now, I’m not sure what that quote means in the context of getting Governor Fallin’s son to date you, but I can give you the numbers to the guys on the Executive Security detail. Perhaps they can tell you where he will be and you can have a “chance” encounter with him. This will save you time, because believe me, it takes a lot of hours of stalking to make an encounter seem like fate. After that, it’s up to you to charm him out of his Stones. Also, if you do get this to work, and he becomes your boyfriend, tell him to stop littering… and to stop holding other people’s beer. I would hate for people to think he is drinking underage. Go git ‘em girl!

What appointed official loves brisket and ribs in Oklahoma? -Anonymous

Thanks to the Ogle Mole Network, I have the answer to this question! Watch this video. It features none other than Oklahoma Secretary of State Glenn Coffee (at the 10 second mark). Now, don’t get me wrong, I think Secretary Coffee is a solid dude. He’s a nice guy and wants what’s best for Oklahoma, he also wants delicious brisket and ribs. He is a sane republican and I respect him for not blindly following the right-wing agenda. Also, I apologize for the video quality, Swadley’s was unwilling to give us a better copy.

Dear Spencer, is it really better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, or is everybody just panicking because I’m holding a gun? -@DocPants

Thanks for the question! This question reminds me of the summers I would spend with my grandparents. My mom and dad would drive me to Kentucky and just leave me at the cemetery. Here’s the thing, if you’ve ever loved, you can’t lose. As the Buddha said, “Who do I have to f**k to get a cheese burger!?!” He was so wise. But if you have a gun, you can get anyone to love you… unless it’s a Derringer or some other sissy gun. If that’s the case, get a real gun and then people will love you.

Why is Nick Cage still getting work? And why aren’t I famous yet? -@lathee1190

Hmmm… good question. I would imagine that Nic Cage is still getting work (despite being terrible) because he is the nephew of Francis Ford Coppola. It’s probably easy to be famous when your family is respected in the business and/or paved the way (examples: Drew Berrymore, Miley Cyrus, Kate Hudson, Angelina Jolie, Charlie Sheen, Gwyneth Paltrow, et al.). I should mention that his early work was pretty good. Raising Arizona is a great flick. The stuff he has been making recently is crap. Now, if you want to be famous, have your mother sleep with Francis Ford Coppola. You’ll probably have to church up the pitch to get her to agree because I’ve heard FFC is into some crazy stuff. Hollywood is a den of inequity, but this should help you break into it.

I did laundry this weekend and all my socks paired up, what’s up with that? -TheKoj

Count your socks before doing the laundry. If they are still pairing up after laundry day, it means you are losing socks two at a time.

Thanks for reading and send your questions to me through Twitter (@spencerlenox) or at spencer.hicks@gmail.com. Kisses.

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Comments

  1. a) This scene appears to have taken place during Fiji Island, hence the sand and smashed beer cans.
    b) If so, I was there and missed my chance due to passing out in the bushes.

  2. “Hollywood is a den of inequity,”

    C’mon I expect more out of you Spencer. You went to a Baptist College, you should be able to pass judgement on Hollywood correctly.

    iniquity

    would be the correct term. Although inequity would imply it is not a equal place, or fair place. So that’s true. So nevermind then…

  3. He’s drinking Keystone Light!

    What’s next, Milwaukee’s Best or Natty Light?

    Those Failins are classy folks, I’m telling ya…

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