We’re going to stay in the Valentine’s spirit today by writing about the group of singles who are taking part in Oklahoma Magazine’s “2012 Single in the City” charity auction. Just like the last few years, the magazine will host an event in Tulsa (Feb 24th) and Oklahoma City (Feb. 25th). Tickets are $25 each and all proceeds benefit the Make-A-Wish foundation.
Ok, enough about that stuff. Let’s meet this year’s group of OKC singles! They’ll be auctioned next Saturday at Skkybar in Bricktown. I’ve included a picture and blurb about each person, along with my guesstimation of their auction value. In no particular order we have:
Kilmyn Graf, Teaching Assistant for the OU School of Dance
You know what they say, if she looks elvish, dresses elvish and has an elvish name, guess what, she’s probably elvish! Seriously, what’s going on here? Did Kilmyn just get done rehearsing for the Wizard of Oz or is she from the future? That photo is just depressing. It makes the Nothing look rich and colorful.
That being said, I’m sure Kilmyn is a fun girl. On her bio she mentions that her ideal first date would be “Watching the sunset on an Oklahoma River Cruise.” Eh…never mind.
Suggested Auction Bid: $714.45
Nathan Atkins, Leadership Assistant and Communications Director, Oklahoma Senate President Pro Tempore Brian Bingman
You know, I was going to make fun of this guy because he works for a Republican, dresses like a Republican and jerks himself off like a Republican, but then I noticed this in his bio:
Celebrity crush: KFOR-News Channel 4’s Emily Sutton
Holy Crap! That’s awesome. Who cares that he looks like he wears Secret deodorant, you have to respect a man who openly admits that his celebrity crush is a back-up weather girl in Oklahoma. The only problem is I’ve been in Emily Sutton’s dreams and I know a couple of things about her. For one, she enjoys french toast topped with whipped-cream and strawberries for breakfast. Two, she doesn’t dig guys with tiny feet.
Suggested Auction Bid: $2.18
Miki Kawamura, Ballet Dancer
Ah. The obligatory “Single in the City” ballerina. Two years ago it was some ridiculously hot girl. Last year it was some fruity Viking dude. This year it’s the cute little Asian girl who inspired Clark Matthews to get season passes to the Oklahoma City Ballet! Cool.
Miki looks like a fun girl to date, and not just because she probably likes anime panda cartoons and bubble gum. No, what I like about Miki is that she says the best thing about being single is “I watch Sex in the City anytime I want.” She also states that her ideal date is to “have some nice wine at a restaurant or bar.” That’s awesome, because I also like watching Sex and the City anytime I want, but especially when I’m with a cute Asian girl who just got drunk off two glasses of nice wine at Olive Garden.
Suggested Auction Bid: $846.98
Clayton Hoffman, Personal Trainer
We host free team trivia every Tuesday night at the 51st Street Speakeasy and Thursday night at O’Connell’s in Norman. Since that’s the case, let me ask you a trivia question. Which of the following is the dumbest response to a singles auction questionnaire:
A. Ideal first date? Since it’s the first date, I would have to say out for coffee or a relaxed dinner. Anywhere we can have good conversation without too many distractions.
B. Best thing about being single? Being able to do your own thing, whenever you want.
C. Does your career pose a challenge in your dating life? In some ways it does. Finding time for dating is not a problem. But with my career comes a lifestyle choice that not many people can relate to or keep up with.
D. All of the above
If you answered “D” then you are correct! Seriously, can he be anymore lying, selfish, and vain? Just come out and say “I want to get you drunk on our first date, hook up with you, then leave you because I’m single, but make you think I’m doing it because you can’t keep up with my high-endurance lifestyle.” That’s what I do and it works every time. Girls like it when you are blunt…and handsome.
Suggested Auction Bid: $1.51
Kelsie Guthrie, Public Relations Specialist, Anglin PR
First of all, I know it’s cute that Kelsie has a big person title and everything, but the only time anyone would (or should) ever take the professional opinion of a 22-year-old PR “specialist” seriously is when it has to do with UGGs, Maroon 5 songs or finding someone to whip up the press release that no one else wants to write.
Kelsie’s cute and everything, but she seems a little too cheery and perfect. She reminds me of one of those girls on Facebook who has 1,800 friends and always gets 200 or so ‘likes’ each time she uploads a photo of her pet Yorki or posts “I’m so blessed!” as a status update. Wait, she probably is that girl. Damn.
Suggested Auction Bid: $812.44
Travis Haney, OU football beat reporter, The Oklahoman
Geeze, the guy’s been in town for only a few months and he’s already hitting the singles auction circuit. How sad. Maybe he’s just shy or things didn’t work out on Plenty of Fish. Or maybe his career highlight before moving to the Oklahoman was publishing a book called “Gamecock Glory.” I’m sure that reels in the ladies.
In all honesty, you would think being an OU beat writer would get Travis a bunch of tail, but then you realize that tail would be in the form of Chuck the Buck, Mobile Dave and the surviving members of the Swarm. That doesn’t sound very fun.
Suggested Auction Bid: $4.25
News 9 Sports Reporter, Unemployed
Jessica Coody used to be a sports reporter for News 9 and the OK Sports Blitz. The key phrase there is “used to be,” because Jessica, along with a long time News 9 photographer, was laid off in January.
Anyway, I kind of struggled with coming up with a value for Jessica. Usually, if you’re going to spend money on a date at an auction, you kind of want her to be employed. Then again, she worked with Gary England, Kelly Ogle and Dean Blevins! Imagine the stories she could share. It may be the first time you’ll ever have a dinner with a woman and actually care about what she’s saying.
Suggested Auction Bid: $798.81
Mark Taylor, Anchor/Reporter, Fox 25
Every year Oklahoma Magazine includes one pretty boy for all the cougars and gay men to gawk it and this year it has to be Mark. Just look at that crummy little piece of Cougar bait, I bet your Step-Mom already sent him a dirty text today. If you locked him inside Russell’s or Groovies for an hour he’d return with scratches to his face and a curious fear of stretch marks.
Also, the next time Mark’s taking part in a Singles Auction photo-shoot, he may want to stop things once the photographer says, “Go ahead and put your hands in your tiny pockets and point your thumbs at your crotch!” That’s not very classy.
Suggested Auction Bid: $5.23
Jason Trout, Marketer
Yep, Jason is a “marketer.” In my family we have a different name for those people. We call them “people who have asked us to borrow money.” What’s funny is before I read his bio, I assumed Jason would mention something about being an “entrepreneur.” Jason did not disappoint. In fact, he actually took things a step farther:
Interests: Entrepreneurship, e-commerce, basketball, golf, running and spending time with friends
Whoaaaaaa, E-commerce, huh? How 1999 of you! Do you have website with a shopping cart? If so, maybe you can put a new suit in it to replace the one you got from Anthony’s in 1997.
Suggested Auction Bid: $0.78
Betsy King, Shoe Buyer at Balliets
Yeah, she’s a fucking shoe buyer! That weird sound you heard was every girl slamming her desk in frustration and every guy letting out a sigh and rolling his eyes. Actually, how the hell do you become a professional shoe buyer? That’s the female equivalent of a guy becoming a Hawaiian Tropic Bikini Calendar photographer. Did she start with buying socks and leggings? Maybe someone can leave a comment and let us know.
Anyway, girls who are obsessed with shoes are high-maintenance enough, the last thing you’d probably want to do is date a girl who buys them for a living. She’s also on a “Mumford and Sons kick.” That’s the equivalent of being on Dave Matthews kick in 1997 only worse.
Suggested Auction Bid: $708.67
So this is the guy behind all those penny auction commercials you see on TruTV at 1:30 in the morning. When he comes up for bid, they should switch to a penny auction format. Maybe they could sell a package of 40 bids for $100 or so, but then call the bids “nickels.” That way, each time you bid for Brian you’ll only think it’s costing you five cents. To make the auction more exciting, Brian won’t go to the highest bidder, instead, he’ll be awarded to the person who placed the final bid! Granted, there’s no clear way to know when the auctions ends, but you could conceivably go on a date with Brain for a nickel, while some other poor chap who spent 80-nickels on him doesn’t get a thing. That sounds like a totally legal and legitimate and profitable way to hold an auction!
Suggested Auction Bid: One Nickel
p.s. – I’d like to thank this year’s participants for being part of such a good cause. Please don’t take any of this too seriously, and I apologize in advance…except for you, Nathan Atkins. Stay out of Emily’s dreams.
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