Yesterday, we told you about how T-Town is lovin’, touchin’, and squeezin’ themselves on some Rick Santorum. Although it’s not surprising that Oklahoma as a whole is sweet on a guy who hates gay people and sex, I did find it a little surprising that my home, the “Austin of Oklahoma” if you will (I’ll pause for a moment and let you finish laughing), preferred him over the Oklahoman’s sweetheart, a somewhat moderate Mitt Romney.
I’m sure we can all agree that politics is a strange and frustrating thing. It gets even stranger in a community full of true conservatives posing as moderates who end up voting Democratic when it comes to municipal offices. This rare mixture of white guilt, closeted libertarianism, and a firm belief in capitalism can be found in not one, but two residential areas of the 918: South Tulsa and Midtown.
There’s no real way to explain a typical Tulsan’s political ideology in words, so I’ll break it down for you using familiar examples instead:
5. Jack Donaghy
In addition to being white, Jack Donaghy was a Democrat in his early twenties and subsequently transferred to the right wing having spent some time in the private sector. This defines well, every male with a mortgage who lives south of 81st street. In addition to running 30 Rockefeller Plaza, capitalist Jack also served on the Bush administration and has dated Condalezza Rice and Greta van Susteren–fantasies that an upper-middle class Tulsa man would only admit in the presence of other white upper-middle class men.
4. Sue Sylvester
Although her androgynous appearance and stance on religion in public schools might lead you to think otherwise, Glee‘s villain is fiercely against frivolous programming, sabotages the underdog, seeks joy from bullying racial minorities, but has a soft spot for the gay or disabled. Like every notable politician, Sue carries a big stick and still manages to handout lollipops to her chosen ones. Plus, she’s a pundit on a news station, and it seems at though many of my neighbors enjoy these talking heads. Sue would call out Tulsa Public School’s uniform nonsense for what it is, and she would wipe out our drug problems by letting shady
meth labs apartments burn to the ground.
3. Michael Scott
Looks the part? Yep. Private sector experience? Check. Less than eloquent communicator? You could say that. Inflated sense of self? Lacking common sense? A habit of scapegoating others? Oddly endearing? Ding! We have a winner!
2. Leslie Knope
Despite Leslie’s deep passion for obscure government agencies (which Midtowners despise but South Tulsans are sort of indifferent to), she’s a bubbly female looking out for the safety of the children and betterment of the community.
If Ms. Knope lived in Tulsa, those penguin statues across town would have been her idea, the construction along Riverparks would be completed by now, and Turkey Mountain would host a lot less used condoms. She also would have single-handedly organized Woodward Park’s “Stop the Chop” movement. Is there a perfect candidate? Knope!
1. Jack Shephard
An alpha male with the ability to react rationally to the most trying circumstances (you know, like smoke monsters and time travel), Dr. Shephard ruled his island with more integrity than George Washington, more wisdom than a Morgan Freeman character, and more swagger than John Travolta in the seventies. Despite these heroic qualities, Dr. Shephard is flawed in many ways. Shephard is a dramatized version many-a-Midtown man; a privileged professional that blames their substance abuse on their own father.
If Jack ruled Green Country, sure, things would start out great–but shit would hit the fan once everyone realized Jack was hoarding everyone’s guns and drugs. He’s the type of leader that tricks his flock into thinking they have freedom–it’s kind of like having a drivers license but no car, or being an adult who still lives with their parents.
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