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Six random things I hate about Tulsa
May 15
2012
At this exact moment, you’re probably on your first third coffee of the morning, have just settled down in your cubicle, and are stealthily looking over your shoulder to make sure your boss doesn’t catch you reading up on some Oklahoma chatter with us here at the Lost Ogle before you start actually being productive. Well, as you read this post, (granted it’s before noon on Tuesday), I can guarantee that at this very moment, my head is rested firmly on my keyboard, there’s a puddle of drool collecting on the IKEA desk of my fluorescent-lit office, and I may or may not be snoring at a moderate volume.
Nope, I didn’t catch a midnight showing of the Avengers, and I certainly don’t have a new boyfriend. The one bad thing about attending a play-off game when you live in Tulsa is you’ll get home roughly around 3:00am. Or at least that’s what happens to me, as my younger sister is the type who insists we go to Mickey Mantle’s after each game we attend just in case Russell Westbrook makes a cameo. I pulled exactly zero all-nighters in college. Relays for Life, church lock-ins, and even adult sleepovers aren’t things I frequently participate in because I’m the kind of girl that requires a full eight hours of horizontal time. Plus, Nick Collison is more my type, and a hottie like him probably prefers reading Malcolm Gladwell books and watching Parks and Rec in the buff on his 500+ thread count sheets in his mansion after games. At least that’s what he was doing in that dream I had about him a couple night ago.
Anyways, I’m not going to complain about missing out on a little sleep due to attending a playoff game, because that would be just weird. The somewhat inconvenient drive to the City is hardly something a Tulsan should complain about, especially when we have these real issues to bitch about instead. And before any of you T-Towners get whiny on me, remember I wrote this list on awesome things about Tulsa a few weeks ago.
Check out the list after the jump!
1. The extremely narrow streets in Midtown. And when I say narrow, I mean the kind of narrow where the only people who have a chance at passing anyone are those on bicycles or driving Mini Coops. To this day, I flinch whenever I’m in the left lane and a car going the opposite direction drives by. I replace the tires on my mid-sized SUV far more often than well, any other person in the world does. Some people believe this is because I’m a female, or because I’m half Chinese, or the perfect storm of both of these characteristics plus my inability to pick a song on Spotify Premium. The truth is though, I pop more curbs than a drunk 16-year-old because the goddamn streets are 8 feet wide.
2. The Arkansas River. I can’t think of a sight that’s more foul, except perhaps the trailer park I rescued my Chihuahua from in Pawhuska. I mean, look at it:
No amount of giant penguins or lush vegetation along Riverside Drive will help disguise this mess.
3. Entering and exiting the Broken Arrow Expressway. I’ve gotten a handful of speeding tickets along this highway, but generally, I’m pretty grateful for this turnpike. I mean, it did encourage urban sprawl, facilitating the classic spatial mismatch dilemma in dear old Tulsey Town. (Economics jokes, see what I did there?)
Anyway, our forward-thinking forefathers discounted the fact that it takes more than twelve feet to speed up to and slow down from 65 miles per hour. I’m very thankful that it only takes me twenty minutes to get across town to my day job, but I think I’d enjoy my morning commute a lot more if I I had less frequent brushes with death.
4. McSouthTulsa. If a nuclear holocaust occurred and archaeologists one hundred years from now were looking for the most pristine example of an all-American suburb, Tulsa between 111th and 71st street would be the perfect subject. The brick and stucco houses, retention ponds, and Bradford Pear trees…the Applebee’s, Arby’s, and Outback’s…the Walmarts, Targets, and oh, the QuikTrips! It’s like, a perfect replica of the kind of neighborhoods the creators of The Sims wanted you to create. South Tulsa is my home turf and I haven’t turned into a weird downtown snob or anything, but honestly, a couple Mom n’ Pop establishments in the area wouldn’t hurt a thing.
5. The unfriendly hipsters in the Brady District. I was once forcibly removed from Soundpony for entering whilst wearing Sperrys. That’s not really true. Instead, the 5-foot bouncer chick wearing a tiny Kermit the Frog t-shirt and jelly sandals just rolled her eyes before handing my ID back to my and let me inside. All the people who shower infrequently, wear vests on the reg, and believe gentrification is an abomination of the highest degree all congregate at the bars surrounding Cain’s–you’ve been warned. You can find friendly alternative people at the Blue Dome District, or milling around Cherry Street on Saturday mornings.
6. North Tulsa. Every mid-sized city has their version of Pride Rock’s elephant grave yard (a Disney reference, clever right?) but Tulsa’s dark side is littered with more than just barred windows and babies in dumpsters. I’m guessing Tulsans that read this blog probably only go to North Tulsa for one of three reasons: a) to take a child to the zoo, b) to go to or from the airport, or c) to eat at White River Fish Market. In the land where apartment fires are commonplace, we have a little epidemic knows on methamphetamine to thank for this vile district that South Tulsans and Midtowners alike do not speak of.
Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock
Self-congratulatory hate spew. It’s cliche, at that. … But only somewhat inaccurate. Way to go, Chelsea.
I would have thought that an endemic history of racial violence leading to de facto segregation would have at least been higher than unfriendly hipsters.
I’m think it’s safe to assume that the writer isn’t old enough to remember something that happened almost a century ago.
Agree Charlie. Especially when you say,
I’m the kind of girl that requires a full eight hours of horizontal time.
Lol! Yeah I saw that one as well. A little too obvious though—-I’m pretty sure that the writer phrased her sleep requirements in that manner on purpose.
Call me Captain Obvious but………………
In the case of Tulsa, A (history of racial violence) ->B (modern racial violence). Using the excuse that someone is too young to remember the Tulsa Race Riots to acknowledge its effects is absurd.
http://www.cnn.com/2012/04/18/opinion/walker-tulsa-shooting/index.html
I mention the Tulsa Race Riots probably once a month on Tulsa Tuesday. This list was supposed to be well…a light read for Tuesday morning. It’s 6 Random Things (i.e., a list of fake problems that only a middle class person would find inconvenient), not a comprehensive list of Tulsa’s flaws.
So the only crime going down in Tulsa is white on black? Are you freaking serious Ting?
http://www.fox23.com/news/local/story/Violent-crime-wave-in-Tulsa/v9J4peuezEOmr5lQdYRvNw.cspx
Be sure to click on the video on the left side of the screen.
I’d like to nominate Ting for Ogle Commenting Troll of the week.
Brenda said when Tulsa hears that you are bashing them and finds out about this website they will sue you.
I am biased, as Tulsa is my hometown. However, I’m totally tempted to say- perhaps it’s best to avoid pointing out the splinted in the eye of one, when there is plank in your own. In 12 years, I’ve failed to see what is so special about OKC. I am not asking for any additional commentary here, just noting that for each of the arguments made against Tulsa, a similar argument could be made against OKC.
** splinter (darn autocorrect!)
A list about OKC would be remarkably similar to this one.
Chelsea’s blogs about any area of Tulsa are remarkably similar to this one.
If I may interject, the author is from and generally writes about Tulsa. I think it’s safe to say she is entirely addressing the splinter in her eye…indeed, she looks to be trying to address all of the ninja turtles as well.
You think meth is North Tulsa’s problem? You really are a south-sider.
Also, calling it “Tulsa’s dark side” without commenting on the legacy of racism that is part and parcel of North Tulsa’s crisis makes me wince out of embarrassment for you.
Nearly every city in America has at least one area that has high crime rates and elevated levels of drug abuse.
Tulsa is no different from the rest of the country.
Yeah uh…I meant it like “the dark side of the moon,” or “that outlaw has a dark and shady past.” I don’t typically interpret common figures of speech as derogatory plays on words, but if that’s the way you want to live your life, I’m sure it’s an exciting one.
I thought it was a Star Wars reference… Whatever, it obviously wasn’t a racial implication and those who read that into it are the ones with racism issues.
^^ Agree.
Ha ha, those things are annoying.
Ha! Yes.
I am thinking perhaps you should read up on your Race Riot history and maybe think for one second about the continuing north/south segregation in Tulsa before calling the north side “the dark side.”
I also think you should visit it like, maybe one time before discounting it entirely and fulfilling the stereotype of the South suburban Tulsan.
“barred windows,” “babies in dumpsters,” and “vile”? This might be funny if she were purposefully taking on the voice of an ignorant white Tulsan for the sake of satire. Unfortunately for Chelsea, this doesn’t seem to be the case.
Going pretty well there until #6…
Here’s a thought: making fun of upper middle class hipsters = funny.
Making fun of a group of people caught in an undending cycle of poverty = not funny.
This is a few paragraphs of a BLOG. It’s not meant to be a full dissertation of the racial/economical/political/blahblahblah of Tulsa. Stop taking yourselves so seriously, people.
I think the clever statements lose their value when you point out after each one, “OMG look I iz cleverz!!”
When I read the post, I interpreted Chelsea’s “Dark Side” remark as reference to Star Wars, and not a derogatory pun on African Americans. Then again, I’m not looking to manufacture controversy out of the post, only the Dark Side would do that.
If you look for a reason to be offended you will find it. I have little doubt those who found it, derived any more from it than was meant to be made. It’s just easy to fake insult when you are starving for attention.
I was on my second favorite social blog when I stumbled upon this riveting article http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tulsa_race_riot
You’re welcome.
Can’t believe I just read all these comments. But I did
My thought, also. People need to calm down…it’s a blog.
Hang in there Chelsea, this kind of thing happens to me all the time.
It could be worse…instead of mistaking me for a racist, they could have confused me for a pedophile or something.
I actually think that maybe it was Chelsea who dumped the baby in the dumpster on the Northside while heading to White River Fish…
Reason d) for making a trip to North Tulsa: Weed.
I’m finishing up my research for my doctoral dissertation on the endemic history of racial violence leading to de facto segregation, and I have to say, I was not expecting this level of astute commentary on the plight of North Tulsa residents on an obscure, local, social blog. These erudite comments really put “Six Random Things I Hate About Tulsa” into perspective.
Bravo, captious audience of TheLostOgle.com for pulling an Al Sharpton and blowing everything out of proportion.
jackass
Why is he a jackass? Or are you swinging off Al’s nutsack?
Wow. So Chelsea’s a hack. Lighten up y’all! Sheeeeesh. Your mom goes to college.
I was sure west Tulsa would have made it, oh wait tulsans don’t acknowledge west Tulsa exists.
West Tulsa? I thought there was just a railyard, sketchy “American Owned” motels along I44 and then Berryhill. Oh, Chandler Park.
Love your comment…so absolutely true.
Oakhurst rocks! Chelsea need a field trip to that charming little slice of West Tulsa.
Ok – Now this is funny… I am from Okc – and now live in Tulsa – and I can honestly say I have heard people say to me “West Tulsa.. yeah.. that doesn’t exist” when I ask about the areas…
Silly girl: North Tulsa is the gateway to Turley
Some people take this way too seriously. Keep it up, Chelsea live your articles!
Holy Shit, does anyone have a sense of humor?
Why couldn’t you pick the six “random” things that I wanted you to pick?
I’ve also found something pretty offensive here:
“Nick Collison is more my type, and a hottie like him …”
I’m a 40-something with a gf, but if I were a 20-something single and an Internet stalker hoping to be Chelsea’s next bf, I’d find that line extremely offensive and hurtful.
Collison? Dude looks 2-steps removed from the Frankenstein monster with the bolts taken out of his neck and a facial at Miss Jacksons.
Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
But still hurtful and offensive.