Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Unofficial Thunder merchandise

Well, readers, I don’t think there’s any question that we’re a big league city. I’ve spent the better part of the year getting drunk while watching basketball while my fellow bar patrons chant OKC! We’ve come a long way since the days when my parents told me that only homeless people and lawyers go to Downtown Oklahoma City.

But with great power comes great responsibility, or so I heard in one of the Spiderman movies. With our big league city comes big league problems like traffic, crowds, and unofficial Thunder merchandise. A story on Kfor.com confirms all our worst fears—the roadside stands that have popped up all around the metro selling Thunder gear don’t sell officially licensed merchandise. And if a person can’t go to a tent on the side of the road to get licensed gear, I don’t know where they can go anymore.

Now, the story does make it clear that not all unofficial gear is illegal. As long as the team’s logo or any of the players’ likenesses aren’t used, you’re good to go. This got me to thinking. We here at The Lost Ogle aren’t opposed to making cash. In fact, that’s our favorite thing. As bloggers, we’re well accustomed to spending our free time in hot tubs while sipping on champagne and lighting our expensive cigars with C-notes. And in the true American spirit of capitalism, I think it would make the most sense for us to keep making more money. That’s why I’m proposing some awesome unofficial Thunder merchandise.

Design 1: The Chocolate Marionette

If you follow our Tony Hanadarko on the Twitters, then you know that this is something his brother wants to catch on as Kevin Durant’s nickname. I’m down with it. Mr. Durant is a lanky fellow and sometimes wobbles about like a marionette. This design would basically take Disney’s Pinocchio but darken his skin tone and replace Jiminy Cricket with a basketball. And maybe we could have some sort of holographic effect with his nose to make it look like it grows each time he lies to his mom about staying out with teammates too late.

Design 2:  Russell Westbrook Couture

We here at The Lost Ogle are pretty excited to bring you the best in fashion. I’ve been watching Project Runway since season one and I’ve been dying to have a platform to sell my designs. The only problem is that I can’t sew. But the beauty of Russell Westbrook Couture is all I have to do is raid the closets of dads and grandpas and take all the tacky polos and button-downs and then we re-sell them with new tags.  Now you too can look as cool as Westbrook does in his post-game interviews. Look for our accessory line coming soon after we raid the used eyeglasses at the public library!

Design 3: James Hard-ons

I’m really surprised these haven’t hit the market yet but I’m glad we get to bring them to you. Safe sex is important to us, and that’s why we’ve made some James Harden themed condoms. The cool thing about them is that when they’re all stretched out, they say “Fear the Beard”, that way you are completely excused from having to manscape down there!

Let me know if you’re interested in getting in on the ground floor of these ideas, or if you know how to make things like t-shirts or condoms. We really need to get these on the market as soon as possible.

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Comments

  1. So, I’m down here in Destin, and last night I’m hanging out at a beach bar before the Celtics-Heat game, and a group of locals are all backing the Thunder, arguing with the bartender who is a Heat fan. Everybody’s gonna ThunderUp!

  2. Having a condom that only says “The Beard” would be kinda confusing…..

    on the account of I wouldn’t be rolling it all the way out.

  3. Marisa, what are you thinking?!?! Didn’t TLO learn anything about the legal perils of unofficial merchandise with the whole unofficial Jenni Carlson merchandise fiasco? I know the allure of quick dollar is strong, but think about it. What woman would even consider buying a Jenni Carlson branded diaphragm. Now a Joleen Chaney branded diaphragm would be like printing your own money!

  4. There’s plenty of other opportunities to be had.

    Serge Iblocka Glass Cleaner

    Daequan Cookware

    Nick Collison Nose and Ear Hair trimmer- (does all the small, thankless jobs)

    How about an agricultural irrigator that looks like a 4th-quarter Kendrick Perkins with his arms outstretched?

  5. I want to make some bootleg Maverick gear…I’ll make a shirt with Dirk’s face on it, and the Ark was just opened behind him. (because he looks like one of the guys that didn’t close his eyes when they popped open that ark)

  6. How about the Kendrick Perk-o-lator. It puts you in an angry mood every morning when it brews your 100% pure caffeine for the perfect wakeup beverage. Then it knocks you on your butt and gets a technical foul.

  7. Thunder – underwear – that comes with a superhero cape and/or a mask for your eyes…..That’s what I’m looking for – oh and a “homeland security raids t-shirt shop” shirt….

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