If you’ve ever met my mom, then at some point, she has told you how amazing I am. She has regaled you with the stories of “awesome” things I’ve done, like the time I wrote a professional wrestling-themed musical in the eighth grade, or the time that I ate a donut with Shannon Miller. If you met her recently though, she has probably told you about how I write for The Lost Ogle and how funny I am. Whereas most people can barely tolerate me, my mom celebrates my existence.
This isn’t to say that my mom’s pride is bad. Everyone needs a fan that loves them no matter what, and if my mom didn’t like me as much as she does, I probably would’ve laid down on the railroad tracks a long time ago. But I know her pride in me has to annoy the hell out of other people. And that’s why we need to have a talk about the Thunder.
I can’t tell you how proud I am to be from Oklahoma right now. I get a little teary-eyed when I think about how amazing our team is and how much the city has embraced them. I love how the Thunder has renewed downtown Oklahoma City. Seriously, do you think it would look as nice down there as it does if nobody had any reason to go there except for the occasional concert or traffic violation? We’ve come a long way since the day it was announced that the team would be called the Thunder and there was a minor outrage because everyone played on a little league team at some time or another called that.
But we have to remember why the Thunder is remarkable. They are a young team and they made it to the Finals. Let’s keep this in perspective. We have developed a terrible habit of doting on them for the silliest things.
Beards are in no way remarkable. Now, I love a bearded man more than you can possible understand. And if you’ve never kissed a dude with a beard, then you are totally missing out. But the fact that James Harden has a beard isn’t what makes him special. We need to remember to celebrate his sixth man abilities more than his ability to grow hair from his face. I mean, the Taliban can grow some beards, but we don’t celebrate those. So while I don’t mind the occasional “Fear the Beard” comment, let us remember that James Harden’s beard has never scored a three. And if it were shaved off today, I don’t think he would suffer any Samson and Delilah-like consequences.
Russell Westbrook wears some silly kid’s pajamas sometimes, but what he wears is no weirder than the kids who wear all those 80’s-inspired neon pants and whatnot. Seriously, if you go to the movie theater on a Friday night you can see all manner of suburban kids wearing things they think are cool, just looking like extras in an LMFAO video. The cool folks will always wear something a little bit off. And if I’m being honest, all the players are trying to be like me and my homegirls, Tina Fey and Lisa Loeb, by wearing those glasses. I bet none of them have seen an episode of Daria either. But the fact that Westbrook has red ones instead of black isn’t really that special either. Seriously, I have red glasses in addition to my black ones and never once has Charles Barkley made a comment about my outfits.
Now, this is primarily for the ladies (and I’m totally guilty of this too) but I don’t think the Thunder wants to sleep with any of us. The fact of the matter is that ballers can get the sort of girls that we roll our eyes at when we go out. They’re the sort of girls that work out every day and don’t eat carbs. We are the sort of girls that have too many Thunderitas at the Brewhouse and then tweet about how we bet Nick Collison has the gentlest hands or how we’d really like to give a sporting, congratulatory slap to Derek Fisher’s butt. And, if we’re being fair, all the teams have pretty good looking dudes. I mean, Shane Battier isn’t that bad looking, you know, if his hairline wasn’t two inches lower than it should be and he didn’t look like had hot dogs hiding in his forehead rolls.
Anyway, let’s just remember why our team is great. They are really good at baskteball, and more importantly, they are good people. If Kevin Durant behaved any more humbly than he already does I’d swear he was the second coming of Christ sent to rapture all of Oklahoma City after the Thunder wins the finals. So let us do unto others as Kevin Durant does unto his interviewers. Let us not gloat and worship false beards before talent. Let us be humble and calm in our discussions that involve the Thunder. Let us be reserved.
Unless we’re talking about what a choad Lil Wayne is. Then make as much noise about how awesome OKC is that you want.
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