Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

10 additional forms of punishment for the Oklahoma wildfire arsonists

From my time in the governor’s office, I can tell you that people in Oklahoma love to burn shit. Every time there was a burn ban in effect, we would get 20 to 30 calls a day asking when the ban would be lifted. People in Oklahoma apparently have shit they gotta burn, and they can’t wait. But please wait. This state is drier than Sally Kern’s box of Chick-fil-A, which is actually kind of greasy.

Unfortunately, not everyone is obeying the Governor’s orders. As you know, our state was ravaged by wildfires over the weekend. Authorities believe that many of them were intentionally set. This volunteer firefighter jackass started blazes in Muskogee, and the Lincoln county sheriff is investigating the possibility of an arson in his county. This got me thinking, we need to something extra to punish these assholes who start fires— a regular prison sentence just won’t work. Here are 10 suggestions:

10. Wear Bob Mill’s extensive collection of old sweater’s each July and August.

This would be good because there’s a slight chance that the culprits would spontaneously combust.

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9. Serve one year as the Corresponding Secretary of OU’s FIJI fraternity.

Not only is FIJI the name of an overpriced bottle of water, it’s also the name of an overpriced group of friends. Being the secretary would suck because it’s your job to take all the dick-tation.

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8. Bury the horses that died at this drug cartel’s ranch.

So a ranch in Oklahoma was being run with money from a Mexican drug cartel? I really thought that “English Only” bill would have put a stop to all that. Anycrap, a dozen or more horses have died because of the heat, and if you started a wildfire you have to bury them.

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7. Moderate all the comments that are written on News9.com.

If you ever think life is great and that people are generally good, browse the comments of stories on News9.com. It doesn’t matter what the story is about, the comments will devolve into an argument about Obama, the Bible, global warming and/or the devil. And then some lady name Gail will tell everyone to grow up and get a life. It’s painful and will make you stupid.

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6. Help set up the Christmas lights at Chesapeake

And to make it even worse, they will not be allowed to wear any of Bob Mill’s old sweaters.

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5. Attend every Tulsa Shock home game

Here’s a fun fact. Did you know the Tulsa Shock are currently 3-15. That’s pretty bad. But it’s not as bad as their 3-31 record from last year. So when you go to a WNBA game in Tulsa, not only are you watching the worst professional sport being played in America, but the worst team in American playing the worst professional sport in America.

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4. Watch Kevin Durant’s new film, Thunderstruck.

I know this movie is made for stupid kids who like Radio Disney, but man this movie looks bad. It’s going to be even worse than I originally suspected. I bet the Thunder fires a Storm Chaser over it.

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3. Watch sad INTEGRIS Health Commercials every night before bed

You think watching Thunderstruck would be difficult, imagine having to watch a series of INTEGRIS Health commercials before you got sleep each night. You’d probably die of trite.

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2. Send them storm chasing with David Payne

We may only have a couple more weeks to enact this form of dangerous punishment.

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1. Make them donate all their money to the Red Cross.

In all seriousness, a lot of Oklahomans need help right now. Everyone should donate to the Red Cross and help with relief efforts, including you. Otherwise we will be forced to accept money from that no good Obama. If you want to donate, click here.

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Thank you for reading. Be safe out there. If you smoke, be responsible with the butts. If you have a pile of trash that needs burning, wait… that garbage will be there in the Fall.

You can follow Spencer on Twitter here.

 

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Comments

  1. I’d like to thank y’all guys at TLO for making me laugh out loud at work and, in a strange way, validating my love of Oklahoma.

    BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GARY ENGLAND GET AN EDITOR. I’d even do it, pro bono. Because I hate having my Oklahoma-loving laughter interrupted by my grammar/spelling-loving tears.

  2. I thought they started putting up the lights at Chesapeake in September, if so the sweaters would work well.

  3. Receiving an electric shock each time the local news media reported on an “overnight” apartment fire or someone being hit by a train in Norman might also suffice.

  4. After having to bug out on Friday and not knowing until Sunday whether or not we had a house to return to and then finding out that our home was the only thing left standing on our property, thank you for making me smile. I needed that.

    • Holy shit, really? Was it one of the arson fires? Regardless, I’m glad you and your family are safe.

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