Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Jenni Carlson is back from maternity leave and back to being Jenni Carlson…

Sheeee’s baaaaaaaaaack!

Yes, just when you thought it was safe to start reading the Oklahoman sports page again, Jenni Carlson has returned from maternity leave. We, just like anyone else who can read and/or has an IQ above 80, were hoping that Jenni would stay at home and become a mommy blogger and share confusing and poorly written meatloaf recipes with us, but no, she returned. And boy, she returned with a vengeance.

It started with this article about her pregnancy, motherhood and how she interpreted Russell Westbrook’s request for her leave the Thunder locker room as some sort of ruse. The article was just like 99% of Jenni’s other columns that you accidentally stumble upon when reading NewsOK on a Sunday morning. It was boring, meandering and stale, and a big reason why I stopped regularly reading her mundane drivel about 10-years ago.

But Jenni didn’t stop there. In what can only be construed as an effort to remind unassuming readers (and depressed unemployed journalists) that she still has a paying job with the 51st largest newspaper in the United States, she decided to give her thoughts on the awesome picture of James Harden that’s been circulating around the internet. You know, that one where he’s shirtless on yacht, surrounded by beautiful women, and wearing a cowboy hat while drinking a bottle of booze:

First of all, congratulations to James Harden. You worked your ass off this year and it paid off. You were named 6th Man of the Year, made some huge plays during your team’s run to the NBA Finals, and won an Olympic Gold Medal. I’m not sure how many other basketball players have accomplished that in a calendar year, but there aren’t many. Since you’re 23, a multi-millionaire and haven’t had any time off since last October, I have no problem with you and your trademarked beard hosting a party, having a good time and banging lots of women. You totally deserve it and I’d do the same damn thing.

Then again, what do I know. I’m just a rational and logical human being. Also, I don’t own pictures of Mike Sherman and Boomer Tramel snorting blow and skinny dipping together at a resort in Taos. That also means I don’t get to write terrible sports columns like this one in the Oklahoman:

James Harden: Why the Beard needs Oklahoma City as badly as OKC needs him

Everyone thinks Oklahoma City needs James Harden.

Turns out, it might be the other way around.

Have you seen pictures from the All-White Yacht Party?

Apparently, The Beard hosted a party over the weekend, and from the look of things, it was quite the event. Everyone dressed in head-to-toe white, hung out on a yacht and, um, had a lot of fun.

If you believe what you read on Twitter, Diddy or Sean Combs or whatever he’s calling himself these days even sent over some pricey cases of Ciroc vodka.

Nothing wrong with that…

But seriously, if this is how The Beard parties now, what can we expect after he signs what everyone expects will be a massive contract? And if he happens to sign that deal with a team in Los Angeles or New York or some other hot spot?

The Beard may become a wild hair.

Oklahoma City can save Harden from himself…

But you have to wonder if The Beard Express has a chance of running off the rail. Earlier this summer, his account on Instagram, a picture-based social media website, had a photo of a note with some news.

“JUST FOUND OUT I GOT TRADED TO THE HORNETS,” it read. “I’LL MISS OKC.”

Not long after, the picture was deleted.

Turns out it was a hoax.

Hard to believe the Thunder was real happy that one of its potential franchise players is joking around about that.

Then again, that gold-and-black, tiger-print cowboy hat couldn’t have been a big hit either.

But I’m telling you, the Thunder could use this to its advantage. Harden clearly has some wild child in him, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but here’s where the Thunder can make OKC a huge positive. Sell Harden and his people on the fact that he shouldn’t live in party city with a bunch of money. Convince them that he can visit places like L.A. and Miami in the offseason but that he needs to spend most of his time in a place like Oklahoma City.

Last I checked, Lake Hefner didn’t have enough water to float a boat big enough for another All-White Yacht Party.

God, I don’t ask for much, but can you get Jenni pregnant again? And this time, will you give her triplets and move her to Idaho? I know that’s cruel to everyone in Idaho, but we’ve been through enough.

Seriously, nevermind the fact that Chris “Birdman” Anderson had an easy time finding places to party in Oklahoma City or that Kevin Durant was at the same party or the James Harden is just like every other young NBA athlete. Based on one photo, a hoax tweet and a Foot Locker commercial, JAMES HARDEN IS A CRAZED WILDLING AND ONLY OKLAHOMA CITY CAN SAVE HIM!!! Or at least I think that’s what she’s trying to say. This is a Jenni Carlson column we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure Noam Chomsky would have a problem deciphering what it means.

Anyway, I have no clue why the pic inspired Jenni Carlson to write a poorly thought out column that turns a nothing into something. As I mentioned earlier, maybe she wanted to let everyone know she was back, or maybe she’s just jealous. Based on the pic below, her white out parties do seem kind of lame:

Yeah, I’m pretty sure that photo was taken at the Oklahoman’s 2005 “White Out Party for The Damned” or was stolen from the picture book “How to Lose Erections for Dummies.” I’m not totally sure.

Anyway, I actually wrote more about her column and how terrible it was last night, but I accidentally deleted it while in a semi-intoxicated cut and paste binge. That’s probably okay, because I’ve already spent way more time than I should reading and writing about the worst sports columnist in this state. Welcome back, Jenni.

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Comments

  1. I guess I don’t understand what man would plant his seed in what I can only assume is her wildly overgrown dark wilderness of a garden.

    Clearly alcohol played a factor?

    • For every homely, boring and ridiculously stupid woman out there, there is an equally naive, insecure and needy man who thinks that she is the best thing since sliced bread.

  2. I liked her better when she was fat. Not her articles or anything, i’ve only read two of those: The I’m a man I’m 40 one and this one. My question is isn’t he way too old to do that lame bachelorette party bs?

    And to harden: right on man right on.

  3. Maybe it’s my age, but I don’t see that what she wrote was that bad. And it’s certainly not the first time I’ve heard it expressed that a place like Oklahoma City is the perfect place for rich, young athletes precisely because there weren’t as many opportunities for them to get into trouble.

  4. I get pretty damn drunk on the reg right here in OKC… An I’m neither famous nor cool. Leave it to a Jenny with an i to trash her own city in an article.

  5. What Jenni meant was that OKC has The Key to offer Harden. There, he can receive life coaching and credit counseling. If he has a rough patch in the season, he can beat on a 1987 Skylark with a bat to blow off some steam. It is The Key’s general manager and Wayne’s evil brother, Skip Coyne, we have to thank for Harden’s presence and success in OKC.

  6. Harden is 20 something an needs to have some fun where ever he wants to. He can afford to party like a beer commercial, let him. Not too many beer commercial locations here in OKC. I love it here but it is what it is let the kid do his thing.

    The real crazy thing is that Carlson is married. In this case I must borrow a quote from an ancient wise man for the far east. A wise man named Long Duck Dong “She go to church she get married!” which why someone would marry Jenni is still unbelievable. This wise sage also coined such proverbs as “What’s happenin hot stuff?” and my favorite “No more spanky my wanky the Donger need food!”, a true renaissance man.

  7. Here’s how you write a Jenni Carlson column: 1. Make an observation from a social networking site or an “eye-witness account”.
    2. Skip ahead about 20 steps and choose your own conclusions, usually with a doomsday scenario.
    No wonder people like Jenni Carlson, she’s like an old person sent here to scare the other old people of the impending hippie invasion: “What’s with that P-Diddy or Snoop-a-Loop or whatever he’s calling himself nowadays?”
    Yes, let’s use Jenni’s plan and persuade Harden to stay in OKC not with the lure of a large contract or the promise of championships but with a pre-intervention.
    Also, it wouldn’t hurt to remind him that he may have more fun in other, larger cities. Worst plan ever.

  8. Jenni’s just jealous that her thighs were considered to be too thick for an invite to the All-White Thick as Hell Thighs Party.

  9. This article was right on the money! I bet Regular Jim Traber couldn’t have said it better. Were you two separated at birth?

  10. Jenni Carlson has always reminded me of one of those ladies from that church who can only wear dresses, never wear makeup, and never cut their hair. The name she gave her child verifies that this must be the case.

    • she was intrigued that I had no clue who she was whe I met her at the Big 12 b-ball tourney in Dallas years ago.
      Whatever troll, get over yourself.

  11. I guess Jenni would prefer if the thunder just drafted overweight short white guys.

    Has anyone ever wondered why Mark Rodgers and Rosie O’donnell have never been in the same room together?

  12. I think what I dislike the most about Jenni is that she forces me into the very uncomfortalbe position of being 100% in agreement with Regular Jim Traber on someone (or something). Please–make it stop!!!

  13. I guess Jenni’s mortal sins are that she is physically unattractive and not very good at her job. Maybe some of you should refrain from casting any stones on this one.

  14. God, I don’t ask for much, but can you get Jenni pregnant again? = GOLD

    And I’ve got to get me one of those Harden hats!

  15. I didn’t know anyone read the paper. We read the comics and use the rest to start the fireplace.

  16. man, she sure came out of the gate sucking- so promoting OKC as a dull place will help resign Hardin?? What’s worse Traber’s broadcasting or Jenni’s journalism?

  17. 1. TLO is Awesome – 2. Jenni Carlson is a disgrace to sports – 3. Send Carlson to some 4th world country to write her thoughts, even Idaho doesn’t deserve that punnishment

  18. I have been a longtime fan of the Lost Ogle despite disagreements on some stories. So I continue with my opinions from a heartfelt place.

    This story and the subsequent comments are what is wrong with our society today. You can not like Jenni’s stories all day long and I will be happy to hear and/or read about your dislike for her stories. When a story is written with such horrendously superficial language and out-right degrading comments about weight, looks, etc., I get angry. I can laugh/ignore when Patrick and all of the other men drool on their keyboards while looking at Joleen Chaney. Fine, whatever. It is still disrespectful to women to reduce her to a piece of ass. Posting unflattering photos of her, making inappropriate comments about “planting seed” and the fat jokes are just too much.

    I should also disclose that Jenni is a personal friend of mine. She is, without a doubt, one of the most caring, thoughtful, kind people I have ever known. Her husband is an intelligent, funny, confidant, generous people I know. Together, they make a great pair, and I wish them a world of happiness.

    I know my comment will spur some stupid comments and such, and I am ok with that. I just hope that your daughters aren’t being subjected to the same bullying that you guys are dishing out here.

    • Please excuse my rushed typos… :)
      1. “Posting unflattering photos of her, making inappropriate comments about “planting seed” and the fat jokes are just too much.” I am referring to Jenni, not Joleen.
      2. “Her husband is an intelligent, funny, confidant, generous people I know.” Her husband is a person, not people. Sorry.

    • The Lost Ogle does not endorse, approve or support the thoughts or opinions of comment authors. We also don’t endorse, approve or support the thoughts and/or opinions oF Jenni Carlson.

      • Thanks, Patrick. Funny thing is I don’t think you are half the ass in real life as you are here. :)

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