Yes, just when you thought it was safe to start reading the Oklahoman sports page again, Jenni Carlson has returned from maternity leave. We, just like anyone else who can read and/or has an IQ above 80, were hoping that Jenni would stay at home and become a mommy blogger and share confusing and poorly written meatloaf recipes with us, but no, she returned. And boy, she returned with a vengeance.
It started with this article about her pregnancy, motherhood and how she interpreted Russell Westbrook’s request for her leave the Thunder locker room as some sort of ruse. The article was just like 99% of Jenni’s other columns that you accidentally stumble upon when reading NewsOK on a Sunday morning. It was boring, meandering and stale, and a big reason why I stopped regularly reading her mundane drivel about 10-years ago.
But Jenni didn’t stop there. In what can only be construed as an effort to remind unassuming readers (and depressed unemployed journalists) that she still has a paying job with the 51st largest newspaper in the United States, she decided to give her thoughts on the awesome picture of James Harden that’s been circulating around the internet. You know, that one where he’s shirtless on yacht, surrounded by beautiful women, and wearing a cowboy hat while drinking a bottle of booze:
First of all, congratulations to James Harden. You worked your ass off this year and it paid off. You were named 6th Man of the Year, made some huge plays during your team’s run to the NBA Finals, and won an Olympic Gold Medal. I’m not sure how many other basketball players have accomplished that in a calendar year, but there aren’t many. Since you’re 23, a multi-millionaire and haven’t had any time off since last October, I have no problem with you and your trademarked beard hosting a party, having a good time and banging lots of women. You totally deserve it and I’d do the same damn thing.
Then again, what do I know. I’m just a rational and logical human being. Also, I don’t own pictures of Mike Sherman and Boomer Tramel snorting blow and skinny dipping together at a resort in Taos. That also means I don’t get to write terrible sports columns like this one in the Oklahoman:
James Harden: Why the Beard needs Oklahoma City as badly as OKC needs him
Everyone thinks Oklahoma City needs James Harden.
Turns out, it might be the other way around.
Have you seen pictures from the All-White Yacht Party?
Apparently, The Beard hosted a party over the weekend, and from the look of things, it was quite the event. Everyone dressed in head-to-toe white, hung out on a yacht and, um, had a lot of fun.
If you believe what you read on Twitter, Diddy or Sean Combs or whatever he’s calling himself these days even sent over some pricey cases of Ciroc vodka.
Nothing wrong with that…
But seriously, if this is how The Beard parties now, what can we expect after he signs what everyone expects will be a massive contract? And if he happens to sign that deal with a team in Los Angeles or New York or some other hot spot?
The Beard may become a wild hair.
Oklahoma City can save Harden from himself…
But you have to wonder if The Beard Express has a chance of running off the rail. Earlier this summer, his account on Instagram, a picture-based social media website, had a photo of a note with some news.
“JUST FOUND OUT I GOT TRADED TO THE HORNETS,” it read. “I’LL MISS OKC.”
Not long after, the picture was deleted.
Turns out it was a hoax.
Hard to believe the Thunder was real happy that one of its potential franchise players is joking around about that.
Then again, that gold-and-black, tiger-print cowboy hat couldn’t have been a big hit either.
But I’m telling you, the Thunder could use this to its advantage. Harden clearly has some wild child in him, and there’s nothing wrong with that, but here’s where the Thunder can make OKC a huge positive. Sell Harden and his people on the fact that he shouldn’t live in party city with a bunch of money. Convince them that he can visit places like L.A. and Miami in the offseason but that he needs to spend most of his time in a place like Oklahoma City.
Last I checked, Lake Hefner didn’t have enough water to float a boat big enough for another All-White Yacht Party.
God, I don’t ask for much, but can you get Jenni pregnant again? And this time, will you give her triplets and move her to Idaho? I know that’s cruel to everyone in Idaho, but we’ve been through enough.
Seriously, nevermind the fact that Chris “Birdman” Anderson had an easy time finding places to party in Oklahoma City or that Kevin Durant was at the same party or the James Harden is just like every other young NBA athlete. Based on one photo, a hoax tweet and a Foot Locker commercial, JAMES HARDEN IS A CRAZED WILDLING AND ONLY OKLAHOMA CITY CAN SAVE HIM!!! Or at least I think that’s what she’s trying to say. This is a Jenni Carlson column we’re talking about. I’m pretty sure Noam Chomsky would have a problem deciphering what it means.
Anyway, I have no clue why the pic inspired Jenni Carlson to write a poorly thought out column that turns a nothing into something. As I mentioned earlier, maybe she wanted to let everyone know she was back, or maybe she’s just jealous. Based on the pic below, her white out parties do seem kind of lame:
Yeah, I’m pretty sure that photo was taken at the Oklahoman’s 2005 “White Out Party for The Damned” or was stolen from the picture book “How to Lose Erections for Dummies.” I’m not totally sure.
Anyway, I actually wrote more about her column and how terrible it was last night, but I accidentally deleted it while in a semi-intoxicated cut and paste binge. That’s probably okay, because I’ve already spent way more time than I should reading and writing about the worst sports columnist in this state. Welcome back, Jenni.
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