Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Black widows are feasting upon the metro

If you know me readers, you know that I live in a constant state of terror. I’m always at least half an inch from a panic attack, and at any given moment, I could just pass out from fear. Perhaps this is why I drink. Or maybe this why caffeine has some pretty terrible effects on me. Either way, suffice it say that I’ve got white knuckles that are constantly holding on for dear life.

Perhaps I’m one of the few people who truly has a freakout when I hear a sensationalized news story. Right now, Louisiana might be blown off the map by Isaac, everyone in the state has West Nile and is probably going to die a slow and painful death, and Lindsey Lohan is the greatest jewel thief in the world. So imagine my horror when I heard that Oklahoma has reported an increase in black widow spider bites this summer. That’s right, y’all. Arachnophobia is happening and Jeff Daniels isn’t hear to shoot that big ol’ slimy spider with a nail gun.

While the reports may try to downplay the severity of what is actually going on, I think you too should fear the worst. According to the report on NewsOK.com:

The number of people bitten by black widows who have called the Oklahoma Poison Control Center in Oklahoma City is up this year, Director Scott Schaeffer said.

And last summer, Schaeffer thought the number of calls was high.

As of Thursday, the center had reports of 54 people being bitten, Schaeffer said. For the same time period in 2011, there were 37.

Forty-two black widow spider bites were reported for all of 2010, and 64 bites were reported in 2011.

Calls about the black widow menace have increased steadily in the past two years because drought, mild winters and heat waves are good for all spiders, experts said.

And that was just in Oklahoma City. Can you imagine the more wretched places in the state where there are more woodpiles and bushes for the spiders to hang out in? Best believe that the folks located outside the Oklahoma City and Tulsa metro areas are most likely rotting at this minute as latrotoxin slowly pumps through their veins. That’s what happens when you live out in the country. I think.

I, for one, have not taken my recycling down to the curb in a long time because I saw a black widow near the bin a few months ago and I went inside and cried for six hours. Maybe I’m overreacting. But maybe this little article isn’t taking things seriously enough. I find it hard not to freak out when a creepy crawly little thing is full of neurotoxins. People tell me that if you’re bitten by a black widow, you don’t die instantaneously. But I’m not willing to take that chance and I want to know why the governor hasn’t a declared a state of emergency.

And if you read this and think that the spider thing isn’t a big deal, you’re wrong. Don’t try to be a hero. The blowhard in the movie who ignores all the mounting drama is usually the one that dies before the end of the second act. And if you still don’t think that black widows are terrifying and the worst creatures in the world, then I implore you to read the Wikipedia entry on sexual cannibalism. Next time you’re with your lady friend, just imagine if she were a black widow and what she would do to you during your fuzzy tingle times, and I think you will agree that these spiders need to go.

And sure, these spiders are feeding on crickets, thus taking care of our current plague. But if that’s the case, then black widows, like crickets, are most likely in Ali Meyer’s pants.


  1. Forget about the spiders! You totally missed the best part of that article on NewsOK – “Shaeffer said he expects his staff will continue fielding calls this year, and he will watch where he puts his own hands.” If you only read that sentence and skipped the rest of the article, it would be a great article.

  2. The real current menace are the roving hordes of crickets. My family and I were chased out of the IHOP on Memorial the other night by a swarm of the brutes. Until we become a Christian Nation again and God calls off the crickets, I suggest that when you dine out you carry a tennis racket and wear golf shoes for effective swatting and stomping.

  3. I hate to be the one to say it but as long as people have some common sense you can avoid a black widow. They are extremely shy and not aggressive at all and will run if they see anything bigger than them. If you take some precautions when picking up items outside that might be a nice place for a widow to hide then you can avoid it all together. They are just thirsty and trying to find places closer to water and live out their meager lives in this crazy world just like you so put on your big girl panties and chill out.

  4. I killed 2 black widows last week hiding in my bedroom curtains. I’ll step on a brown recluse but I gotta get the spray for those nasty fuckers. They don’t even eat the fucking crickets.

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