Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

12 pick up lines that Chelsea should have used when she met Nick Collison

Earlier this week, our very own Chelsea wrote about a chance encounter she had with her dream boy Nick Collison. Knowing Chelsea like we know her, the whole ordeal was funny, yet depressing:

Loyal TLO readers: Last Friday morning, it finally happened. After years of (not so quietly) professing my love via various media outlets, I finally came face to face with the greatest unrequited love of my life, THE Nick Collison.

It happened on an elevator. I tossed out a casual “hey.” He returned with an amused “hey.” In attempt to keep the conversation going, I asked him how he liked playing at the Spirit Center. Okay, not one of my better pick-up lines. Obviously if I had time to prepare, I would have asked him what his favorite book is, or found out the greatest concert he’s ever been to, or asked if he’d ever read the Kama Sutra. But, the fact is I was caught off-guard and was wearing scrubby yoga pants and black framed faux-hipster glasses (note: I wear faux-hipster prescription glasses, not hipster faux-prescription glasses–as if one were better than the other). After countless tweets and hours spent Photoshopping Nick into pictures with me, all I got in return was a paltry “it was ‘aight.” Nick Collison then stepped off the elevator and disappeared into the third floor of the historic Mayo Hotel. Rejection is a dish served…unaccompanied.

Outside of meeting that Australian cowboy, this is definitely one of the most exciting things that’s happened to me all year. Sad, huh? I was going to come up with a clever metaphor to liken my predictable life to the dull and mundane week I’m assuming that the Tulsa Police had, but as you can tell, literary devices were never really my forte.

Chelsea’s nice, fun and enjoys reminding us that Tulsa has QuikTrips. For those reasons alone, we all like her at the TLO Home Office. Well, except for Spencer. He doesn’t like sharing Tuesday’s with her. That’s fine, though, because Chad likes her way too much. I guess that evens things out.

Anyway, because Chelsea totally blew her chance to hook up with The Freckle King, we thought it would be fun to visit the Jerk Store and come up with 11 pick up lines or advances she should have told the Thunder role player. If she could go back in time, step on an elevator, and use one of these, she could have fulfilled her dream and been the one-night stand of a professional athlete.

“Tulsa may suck, but I swallow.”

“NICK COLLISON! I’m about to faint, mind if I sit on your face?”

“I’ll take a charge for you anytime.”

“You know, I’ve always wanted to be a stepmom!”

“Can I drink your sweat?”

“Have you ever screwed a half-Asian girl in an elevator???  Oh, well, have you ever screwed a half-Asian girl in elevator today?”

“Josh Sallee only calls me to hang out after 11, so I’m free the rest of the day if you wanna hook up.”

“For your information, I only have casual sex with the best white players on the team.”

“Mr Peepers! I thought that was you!”

“You make my plus/minus go higher and higher.”

“Are those freckles covering your entire body or are you just happy to see me?”

“You know my sister is a model?”

Yeah, one of those would have worked better.

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Comments

  1. “I may be a Sooner, but I’m always ready for later.”

    “Here in Tulsa, some of us smell the waving wheat… but all I smell is money.”

    “Because of you, Oklahoma is the land of the free and the home of the sexy.”

  2. Are those space pants you’re wearing? Because your ass is out of this world.

    Did you know I’m the girl from the Trojan commercial?

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