Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Somebody stole a bunch of giant pumpkins, Charlie Brown

I hate pumpkins.

Okay, that’s kind of a strong statement. Who can really hate a pumpkin? They make nice lawn decorations, remind me of my favorite season, and 1979 is one of the greatest songs from the 1990s. But eating a pumpkin? Yeah, that’s a different story. Everything about pumpkin as a food source is a bad idea. The taste, the texture, the fact that it looks like something you’d find in Ronnie Kaye’s diaper. They’re just disgusting. Worst of all, pumpkin is everywhere this time of year. You have pumpkin coffee, pumpkin donuts, pumpkin beers, pumpkin bread, and one of the worst things in the world, pumpkin pie. I love my grandma, but I hate the brownish orange disgusting thing she serves as a desert for Thanksgiving.

Anyway, now that my anti-pumpkin soap box is finished, let’s get to the breaking news story for the day. Last week, someone stole $4,000 worth of pumpkin and hay in Edmond while being attacked by bobcats with machetes.

Via KFOR:

Kathy Nelson and her family have been regulars at this Edmond pumpkin patch for years.

But it’s slim pickins’ this year after thieves ripped off dozens of gourds, pumpkins, potted plants and fire wood.

Nelson said, “It was probably somebody with a pickup or trailer. It’s sad, really sad.”

Check out the big brain on Kathy! The bandits used a truck or trailer to steal pumpkins, plants, hay and firewood?! I say we all pitch in and buy her a trophy for having superior command of the obvious. Also, when you become a pumpkin patch “regular,” it may be time to give up on life.

The business sits at 5th St. and Broadway near downtown Edmond…

According to police reports, the victims lost bout $4,000 worth of stolen inventory on two consecutive days.

Edmond Police spokesperson Jenny Monroe said, “To lose 100 pumpkins the night before Halloween, they were probably hoping for one last push for Halloween for people who are late-blooming carvers. It’s a big loss for them.”

In addition to the gourds and pumpkins, the thieves also hauled away 100 bales of hay.

Weighing roughly 40 pounds a piece, authorities conclude it took plenty of time and manpower…

What type of jackass and his friends steal pumpkins the night before Halloween? That would be stealing a shipment of 2012 wall calendars in December, only heavier.

The pumpkin patch owner told us she is closing down for the season but has every intention of setting up in the same place next year.

There was only one witness to the gourd-grabbing and he’s not talking.

Ha! I bet the witness was pulling a Linus and camping out at the pumpkin patch in hopes of finding the great pumpkin. Or it was the Ghost of Bicycle Bob. Either way, I wouldn’t talk either. No one likes a pumpkin snitch.

Anyway, I would write more about this, but I have to record a Thunder radio show for the Spy here in a bit. Yes, that’s about as pathetic as stealing a bunch of pumpkins for Halloween, but it’s still kind of fun.

Also, I made up the whole bobcat and machete thing to make the story a bit more interesting. Sorry about that.

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Comments

  1. This valuable heist went down roughly 5-6 blocks from the Edmond Police Department. That’s a lot of risk for pumpkins and straw.

  2. Thanks for the memo that it is now cool, hipster-ish, and ironic to hate pumpkin and all its various permutations. Lordy.

  3. Perhaps the Edmond police were out looking for 3-year-olds peeing in yards? I hear the fine for that is $2500.

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