Well, readers, Christmas is on its way whether you’re ready or not, and there are rumors of a possible white Christmas. If you’re one of those people who is excited by the idea of snow for the holiday, then I’m going to have to ask you to leave. Yeah, I said it. Leave Oklahoma. The only thing that makes those ridiculous sweltering summers tolerable is the knowledge that I probably won’t have to deal with a crappy snow. You can go up to the arctic north that is Nebraska if you want a white Christmas.
Snow is cold, wet, and for some weird reason, it’s socially acceptable for people to throw it at you. What’s to like about that? Here I have compiled a list of all the reasons why it can’t snow on Christmas. We just aren’t ready for it, and, quite simply, I hate the dreary gray deathscape that is a snowy day. I need sunshine, because holidays are anxiety-inducing enough, and I don’t need the added worry of being snowed in with my family.
5. Jonathan Conder isn’t here to tell us not to wear Crocs
If we’re being honest, I don’t think many Oklahomans have shoes that are safe to wear in the snow. Canvas sneakers are appropriate for roughly 11 months out of the year, but really suck for those few unpleasant days when the snows fall. And if you’re the sort of person to wear Crocs, I’m guessing you have undergone some sort of trauma that makes you think those are okay, and thus, need someone to tell you not to wear them when there is snow on the ground. But if we’re being honest, you should never wear them anyway.
4. Oklahoma has roughly 3 snowplows
I can neither confirm nor deny this assertion. But think about it. When it snowed last time, didn’t it take like, a million hours for the snow plow to come through and clean up the streets so you could go to the store to buy more liquor? This is because the state of Oklahoma doesn’t have enough snowplows to accommodate a storm. And you can believe that if the storm comes on Christmas Eve, it’s going to take even longer to get the roads driveable again. Do you want your grandma stuck in her car in a snowdrift during the holiday?
3. You don’t really want to watch weather coverage all day on Christmas
Parents are weird creatures that actually tune in to see the local news rather than just read it online. And if I’m going to be stuck in their home all day eating cookies and getting sloshed on nog, then I don’t want to have to watch the news when I could be watching It’s a Wonderful Life. Plus, you know the weather coverage will go to the B-team. It’s Christmas. Lord England will be at home accepting gifts of frankincense and myrrh and won’t be in the studio.
2. Your Southern Baptist parents don’t have booze for you to play the severe weather drinking game
So, even if Lord England were in studio on Christmas, it wouldn’t be fun for you. We all know your conservative parents think Mary Fallin is swell and that Obama is a Muslim from Kenya. So while you’re stuck at their house for the holiday, there will be no booze for you to consume, drinking game or no drinking game. Luckily for me, Coors Light flows from the faucets at my parents’ house. I know it’s cheap beer, but it’s better than sipping Crystal Light while your crazy uncle basically recites verbatim those conspiracy emails he usually forwards to you about how the government is taking away your rights and blah blah blah.
1. There will be no TLO Winter Weather Death Watch Armageddon live blog on Christmas, probably
Christmas is the one time each year we cynical bloggers don our footie pajamas and watch How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the animated one, not that sacrilegious crap with Jim Carrey) while we set out cookies for Santa. Sure, every year we get coal in our stockings for all the shit-talking we do, but we still have hope. So there most likely won’t be a severe weather live blog, not as long as we have to pretend we like the lame gifts we got instead of what we really wanted—for the Thunder to be NBA League champs this year, for Mary Fallin to comply with the Oklahoma Open Records Act, and for us to get a reality show that highlights our exploits at Ogle headquarters while simultaneously making us the filthy rich media whores we were born to become.
Pray for sun, readers, lest you wish cabin fever upon us all.
Thanks! Your message has been sent!