When we were going through the heat wave last summer, I shared this experience about how I nearly snapped while waiting in line at Subway:
I know it’s “cooled” down to the 90s for the past few days, but I think it’s safe to say that the heat is making everyone a little extra moody, irritable and angry. It’s even got to me a little bit. Last Monday, I held a door open for a soccer mom and her teenage son at Subway and then nearly killed them with my eyes after they proceeded to order six footlong subs while I waited behind them in line. I did everything in my passive aggressive power to let them know how pissed I was. I tapped on the glass, made audible sighs, and called my imaginary wife who was at home with our newborn baby to tell her it would be a while because I was stuck in line. That’s a far cry from my typical Subway line behavior, which is to contemplate what I’m doing at Subway or get caught up with Words With Friends.
Well, know I feel a little better. Apparently I’m not the only one who gets a little frustrated while waiting for a shitty sandwich. For example, some guy in Tulsa recentlyt assaulted a Subway employee with his $5-footlong:
Via News on 6:
Tulsa police on Saturday picked up a man after he reportedly attacked a Subway worker inside the Walmart near Woodland Hills Mall.
They said the man got upset and hit the clerk in the head with a sandwich.
Police tracked down the man nearby, and said he appeared to be having some kind of a medical problem, so they called EMSA.
“We’re just mainly concerned with the suspect’s well-being and him getting treatment at a local hospital,” Tulsa Police Cpl. Ken Simpson said.
Officers said the clerk wasn’t hurt and is not expected to press charges.
Come on News on 6! You can’t leave that many unanswered questions. For example:
• What type of sub was used to assault the employee? Was it a footlong meatball marinara loaded with toppings or just little six-inch ham and cheese with lettuce, tomato and mustard. There’s a big difference between the two. I think the meatball could knock someone out.
• What made the person snap? Did he see that viral Facebook post about a footlong not being 12-inches? Nah, I bet the guy got stuck in line behind the old lady who has somehow never been to Subway before. You know this woman. She walks up to the cash register to place her order. She has to ask what type of bread they have. She tells the “sandwich artist” what veggies and toppings she wants while the employee is still placing processed meat disguised as turkey on a spongy substance that’s supposed to mimic bread. Of course if that happened, the dude would have assaulted the old lady. Maybe they were just out of monterey cheddar bread.
• What medical condition was the assailant suffering from? He probably had an anxiety attack when he realized he was ordering a Subway sandwich inside of a Wal-Mart. That’s a sign of ultimate life defeat.
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