Friday night in the big town: Doobies, monster trucks, and Zumba

Well, readers, it’s the day after Valentine’s Day. That means that a portion of you totally got laid last night. And another larger portion of you are in the doghouse for not putting any effort into the holiday. And still, and even larger portion of you stayed home last night all by yourself and drank beer and watched Netflix. You probably contemplated touching yourself, but ultimately, you were too lazy. Besides, it was so warm under that fleece blanket and you didn’t want to take off those pajama pants. It’s cool, readers. I’m not judging.

Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town.

February 15: The Doobie Brothers at Lucky Star Casino

Fun fact: I used to work at a professional wrestling-themed barbecue restaurant in the parking lot of a Wal-Mart right off the interstate. This is just one of the many mistakes I’ve made in my career. That heinous place has since closed. But I still remember the satellite radio station that would play “Black Water” every twenty minutes. That’s what I think of when I think of The Doobie Brothers.

Maybe you have a better memory of The Doobie Brothers. But I’m willing to bet that if you’re a fan of the band, you don’t remember a whole lot. It’s not your fault. That’s just how drugs work. If you have a vague recollection of maybe liking The Doobie Brothers and would like to refresh your memory as well as probably meet a dude from Newcastle who can sell you some weed, get yourself to Concho.

February 16-17: Monster Jam at the Chesapeake Energy Arena

ARE YOU READY FOR THE THRILL OF YOUR LIFE? IT’S GOING DOWN THIS WEEKEND AT THE ‘PEAKE. SEE THE BIGGEST MONSTER TRUCKS TO SET THEIR SITES ON DESTRUCTION! IT’S MONSTER JAM THIS SATURDAY AND SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! YOU PAY FOR THE WHOLE SEAT BUT YOU’LL ONLY NEED THE EDGE!

Real talk: I’ve never seen a monster truck in person. But I’ve seen a lot of dudes with small penises who drive lifted trucks through Oklahoma City. And if those jackwagons in lifted trucks have small penises, how small are the penises of monster truck drivers? This is probably something you can find out this weekend at the Chesapeake Energy Arena. But beware. If you attend this event, I will label you as deadweight for the human race. Sorry. But you are.

February 17: Love Your Body Day Zumba and Skate Party

I’m pretty much constantly guilty of complaining about how I look. It’s not that I’m not happy with myself, I’m just aware of the fact that I’m not Beyoncé. I find this hard to accept, especially since I’m pretty sure that when God created Beyoncé, He photoshopped her into creation, hence her proportions. I know I will never be Beyoncé, and I’m starting to get okay with that. Because rather than hate myself, I’d prefer to hate the bodies of others.

If you love yourself and you love working out in a dancey sort of way, then you should get yourself to Star Skate in Norman. You get to do some Zumba, everyone’s favorite pyramid scheme that makes you look a little like Shakira, and a lot like a drunk white girl at a wedding. Come celebrate your body by shaking it and skating and drinking smoothies.

That’s all for this weekend, readers. I love you all even if you didn’t get me any flowers for Valentine’s Day.

“Friday Night in the Big Town” is presented by Lucky Star Casino.  Visit LuckyStarCasino.org to check out a full calendar of their events and concerts.