Last week, I made fun of the white rapper Zero. It resulted in some people crawling out of the fake wood paneling and verbally attacking me on Twitter. This is the best one I got. Beware the bad language.
Anyway, I think I’m going to take a break from making fun of Bloods and convicted felons. I like to entertaining you, but it’s not worth risking my life. Instead, I’m going to risk my professional career and make fun of photos featuring powerful Oklahoma executives.
Here we go:
Executive: Renzi Stone
Looking at this picture, I can see that Renzi loves buying headphones from men that like to punch women. Remember when Dr. Dre beat up Dee Barnes? Of course not. No one remembers, and now he’s a billionaire (take note Chris Brown). Also, how much did they have to pay The Flaming Lips LLC (or a graphic designer) to get Wayne to photobomb? Why would you want to be upstaged in a photo you are putting on your website?
Executive: David Griffin
Company: Griffin Communications
I think that pic is a big F-you to his high school classmates that didn’t select him for “Most Likely to Succeed” in the Senior Superlatives. I think I’m still lost in his eyes. This picture is almost like the Mona Lisa. I can’t tell if he is smiling, smirking, or if that is the look of contempt for the all of us.
Company: Hobby Lobby
One look into those creepy eyes and you can tell that he knows what’s best for the women of the world. There’s a reason Hobby Lobby is successful, right? And he’ll be damned is some Kenyan is going to allow HIS employees to make their own health choices! It says right there in Exodus that when you employ a woman for minimum wage, you own them and are responsible to make the decisions that their small girl-brains can’t handle. Also, is it me, or does it look like he is standing in front of the staircase that leads to a Chinese sweatshop?
Executive: Sean Kouplen
Company: Regent Bank
Sean is just your average, happy, 37 year old guy. He’s a bank CEO, enjoys clear plastic chairs, and loves hot yoga… probably. I’m not sure, but I think Sean and David Griffin have a friendly competition about who can recreate the perfect bad senior portrait. And this picture is Sean’s trump card. Seriously, look how adorable he is, how can anyone hate bankers?
Executive: Meg Salyer
Company: Accel Financial Staffing
I really don’t have anything funny to say about Meg’s pic. I was having trouble coming up with some diversity for this list, and she was the best I could do. Her success is a big reason why we don’t need affirmative action programs in this state. If Meg Salyer and a couple dozen other women can make it to the top of the ladder in Oklahoma, so can anyone else.
Executive: Bob Funk
Company: Express Personnel
That pic looks like something you’d see in a church directory, although it also looks like some portait you’d see hanging in a library honoring a dead person. Also, you know how they say sometimes a dog looks like its owner? Well Mr. Funk kind of looks like a clydesdale.
Executive: David Box
Company: Box Talent Agency
Behind that good-natured smile and onslaught of denim, I can see a man that has some regrets. Regrets of investing in the Tulsa Shock. Regrets of putting a local comedian named Spencer Hicks on his talent roster. Regrets of going on shopping binge at Langston’s. Actually, those aren’t regrets… I think he is genuinely happy in this picture! Wow, I need to find out how he can be so happy in a picture without Wayne Coyne in the background.
Executive: Brenda Jones
Company: Jones PR
Hey, another woman! That makes two! Is that a giant kickball or is Brenda Jones really small? I think it’s the same one she threw at Sam Sims or Casey Cornett whenever she caught them tweeting in the office.
Executive: Matt Beckham
He is all smiles because that penny bid you just bought on Quibids cost $1. That’s right, he found a way to sell pennies for a dollar. He also inspired me to google “Has the Quibids girl ever posed nude” one drunken night while I was watching ESPN News. The next time he plays trivia at the Speakeasy he should by me a drink.
Executive: Wayne Coyne
Company: The Flaming Lips, LLC
His ex-life partner got the Prius in the separation. And that someone needs to let him out of the hamsterball. He probably needs to use the restroom.
Company: The Lost Ogle
Say what you want about all the other people mentioned above, at least they’re not afraid to get their picture taken.
One thing I love about Oklahoma’s CEOs is the diversity. Renzi is like 18-feet tall, and Brenda Jones is around 3-feet tall (judging by dodgeball to human ratio). Show me another state with that much diversity in a very select number of white CEOs, presidents and executives. OK, don’t really do that. The last thing I need is more people calling a bundle of sticks on the internet. But if you do want to make fun of me, follow me on Twitter – @SpencerLenox.
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