Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

So White Water Bay is getting some new slides

There are some things that, in my mind, are inextricably linked with summer time. Sunburn, wildfires tearing through the prairie, algal blooms taking over the lakes, long lines at snow cone stands, and idiot jerks leaving their dogs in their cars with the windows up when it’s over 100 degrees outsides are what I think of when I think of summer. Sure, there was once a time when summer was magical and I spent my time in those awesome above ground pools with the fake wood paneling  while eating popsicles. Or, there was the holy land of your OKC metro childhood…Yeah. I’m talking about White Water Bay.

I haven’t been to White Water since I was in the seventh grade, and I went for Katie Thomas’s birthday party. We had a grand time floating along the lazy river and getting super wedgies on the Alcapulco Cliff Dive. But after being at White Water for more than an hour, you realize that the ratio of time spent in the water is inversely proportional to time spent waiting in line on hot asphalt while teenage lifeguards look put upon while helping children adjust their flotation devices.

But that might all be about to change. According to KFOR.com, White Water is going to get some new attractions.

OKLAHOMA CITY – It looks like something from a Dr. Seuss story.

Wacky, topsy turvy and colorful, they’re no Thing 1 and Thing 2; these two massive water slides have names, the Ripcurl and the Pipeline Wave.

White Water Bay has been warming up their park for visitors, building one wild ride.

General manager David Riddles said, ”You’ll come down off a 42-foot drop about, then you’ll go up on the half pipe, there’s some zero gravity there.”

Both slides will share the tall tower to the top and there guests will split lines for the slide of their choice.

Single or double inner tube, you must be 48 inches tall to for these slides.

It’s more than a $1 million investment for the park, one that’s long overdue.

They haven’t had a new ride in more than 20 years.

Construction started back in early March and within two months they’ve made quite an amount of progress.

“A lot of hard work, weather permitting, people are working seven days a week into the night,” Riddles said.

This 3D rendering shows what it will look like by the time the park opens on May 18, as long as Oklahoma’s weather cooperates.

Well, how about that, readers? Kind of makes you want to get a double park season pass, doesn’t it? I mean, if you could get over that awful anxiety you have of wearing a swimsuit in public.

Now, I’ve written about White Water Bay before, but this got me to thinking. I do have some good memories about that place. So, in honor of the new water slides that will be here this month, I thought I’d make a list of my top 5 favorite things about White Water Bay. May these always be a part of the White Water experience.

5. Flip flop thieves

I don’t know what kind of world it is that we’re living in when a person sees the need to steal some janky flip flops from under a chair, but it happens. And when your $2 Wal-Mart flip flops (the ones that are stained and constantly breaking) go missing, it’s a truly unique experience that is always a part of a White Water trip.

4. Semi-drowning in the wave pool

Marisa fun fact: I’m an awful swimmer. Yeah, I’m buoyant, like all human bodies. But I can’t convey myself in water in a manner more dignified than a doggy paddle. So when waves are crashing over my head, it’s always a 50/50 shot that I’ll make it out of that wave pool to enjoy another long line to wait in. I’m always thankful when I make it out alive. Though, it’s only a matter of time until I don’t. And when that happens, I want to be remembered as a TLO contributor and not as the grown ass woman who can’t even swim.

3. People who shouldn’t be in such skimpy swimwear

Let it be known that I’m not fat shaming anyone here. There are roughly 8 women on the planet who look good in bikinis, and they don’t go to White Water. My main issue is with the swimsuit industry as a whole. Can we please have some swimsuits that cover body parts and don’t move around while you go flying down a slide completely vertical? So many parts of my body were exposed while barreling through that water park at the speed of light, just because two pieces weren’t designed for moving. Back in the summer of 1999, I’m sure a few of you saw some of the same parts that I regularly expose when I’m drunk.

2. Overly prepared parents

Aqua socks? Check. Sunscreen-SPF 75? Check. Snacks? Check. Towel? Check. An extra towel? Check. Dry clothes? Check. Inhaler? Check. First aid kid? Check. If you see all of these things underneath a beach chair, most likely in a fancy bag, know that they belong to a helicopter parent. You should steal these things instead of my flip flops, if only because the overly prepared helicopter parent doesn’t need all these things and I need my damn flip flops. And seriously, they probably have some really expensive snacks in that bag. I’m talking name brand cookies, y’all.

1. Waterlogged band-aids

Oh, and what would a trip to White Water be without all those waterlogged band-aids you find floating in the water? You know what I’m talking about. They’re slightly used, and have a little dot of blood on them. They brush against your mouth as you float along, and you spend the rest of your day trying not puke while searching for your stolen flip flops so you can get the hell out of White Water.

What do you think, readers? Who’s down for a TLO-sponsored White Water Bay party later this year?

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Comments

  1. Well, thanks to Joleen, the construction schedule fell about a half day behind while she was walking through the dirt in her high heels and climbing over the slide wall ever…so…slowly…

  2. you have to mention the two conflicting groups:
    group 1) guys (usually older than 25 and some wearing the dreaded speedo!) not even being subtle at staring at the women in the skimpy swimwear, making everyone uncomfortable, especially when they try to either talk to the women or just slink.
    Group 2) women/older teens wearing two round stickies over their nipples and a piece of dental floss for bottoms, with absolutly no doubt that there is not a hair left on their bodies (except their head), YET SEEM TO BE REALLY UPSET THAT ANYONE, including creepy guys are looking at them.
    I guess my question is what is the point of going almost naked if you don’t want someone to look at you? I get the creepy guy thing but hey their everywhere and stare at you when you are wearing a complete sweatsuit.

  3. Kelloggs Finding Nemo snacks AND Pepperidge Farm Goldfish Crackers…guilty as charged. But if you steal my SPF 75, me and my kids are likely to leave White Water engulfed in flames.

  4. I might go out there just to see what happens when a morbidly obese Okie meets zero gravity.

  5. WW used to be the shit back in the 90s, had a bunch of buddies that worked there…..how times have changed, I won’t even take my kids there because of all the white trash walking around in banana hammocks!

  6. I, for one, am totally down for a TLO sponsored White Water Bay party! I haven’t been there since I was eleven.

  7. I like the super sun burned ginger who is yelling at one of her 6 kids about drinking the last of the pops.

  8. I can’t seem to wait to throw a few “Oh-Henry” bars in the water,just to see how many people actually get out of the water,at a very fast pace! LOL!

  9. Just a word of warning,if You happen to wear prescription eye wear,be sure to attatch some croakies to their arms or ear stems as to keep them from falling off and ending up broken amongst the rocks!

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