13 Ways to Improve Oklahoma’s Air Quality

3:30 PM EDT on August 8, 2013

As one of the several thousand affluent Lost Ogle reader's with a large disposable income that visit this site on a daily basis, I'm sure you've noticed (and possibly even clicked) one of the many highly visible, awesome, pleasing and relevent local advertisements placed on this website.

One of those ads is for ACOG's "Better Together" Clean Air Pledge. If you like their Facebook page and take a pledge to help improve Oklahoma's air quality, you can win a free electric lawnmower from OG&E.

Here are the details from the group's Facebook page:

Sometimes Facebook is better for more than just sharing your meticulously Instagrammed French Toast. With ACOG’s Better Together campaign, you can let all of your friends know that you're committed to making the small changes that lead to a big impact on air quality in Central Oklahoma!
Take the pledge, share it with your friends and you'll have the chance to win an air-friendly electric lawnmower from OG&E! Whether it's walking, biking, riding or pledging to help air quality, life is better when we share it together!
Pledge something new every day for more chances to win!

That's pretty cool. There are several pledges you can take like car pooling, riding a bike and/or using wind power. Those are fun and everything, but we decided to come up with our own list of 13 tips to improve Oklahoma's air quality. We did this because a) they will work b) we care about our environment and b) we're total sellouts.

Check them out:

1. Get Regular Jim Traber off the air…

That would cut the hot air in town by 43%. The steam that Regular Jim emits from his ears alone raises the local temperature by three-degrees.

2. Turn the Space Needle into a gigantic windmill…

We might as well make the thing useful. Maybe the power it generates can power the midway for five minutes.

3. Replace Tinker’s AWACS fleet with those giant eagles from the Hobbit…

This would work great. The eagles don't produce exhaust, they are quiet, and their great vision is just as good as an AWACS radar. The only problem with this idea is that they are fictional creatures and Gandalf wouldn't send his magic butterfly for them until after the arctic ice sheet has already melted. Seriously, what's up with that? I know it would have made for a crummy story, but why didn't Gandalf have the eagles pick up Bilbo and the dwarves in the Shire and just take them to where the dragon lived?

4. Put the bad air in our water and then sell it to Texas…

If they complain about the taste, either tell them the lake has turned or that the water came from Norman.

5. Buy Patrick a TESLA…

As this post proves, I can be bought.

6. Moooooooove the stockyards to the mooooooooon...

Haha. See what I did there?

All bad jokes and puns aside, this would be a great idea. Just like Regular Jim Traber, cows produce tons of methane and lack intelligence.

7. Turn off our psychedelic dream coat bridge from 2:00am – 6:00am...

If you're driving on the highway at 2:30am, you probably don't need a distraction like this to take your eyes off the road.

8. Turn off your car while waiting for a drink at Sonic...

Especially if you're at the Sonic on NW Expressway across from Baptist during happy hour. You can waste a gallon of gas while waiting for your Swampwater Slush or Carmel Vanilla Diet Coke with Cherries.

9. Plant a tree...

I don't know if it will help improve our air quality, but chicks kind of dig it when you plant a tree. It makes you look sensitive and all that stuff. Just be sure to plant it in your neighbor's yard. It will really flip them out.

10.During his retirment, let Gary England harness the power of lightening into sustainbale energy

Hey, if a bolt of lightning can send a Delorian back to the future, it can probably power an air conditioner for those 100+ degree days.

11. Drive a CNG vehicle and let everyone, especially our local media, know about it…

This could also be called "get a job in public relations."

12. Hang a giant leaf air freshener on the Devon Tower.

I don't know if this will improve out air quality, but it will sure make downtown smell better. The only downside is David Payne will probably flip out when he smells pine.

16523211-woman-mowing-grass-with-an-electric-lawn-mower

13. Take the Clean Air Pledge and Win an Electric Lawn Mower

All you have to do like the "Central Oklahoma Clean Air" Facebook page and register. It takes like 10 seconds so go do it. Not only will that make us look good, but if you win one of the electric lawnmowers (not pictured above) they're giving away, it will make you the coolest cat in your neighborhood. At least that's what Clark Matthews tells me.