The “Gentlemen of the Road” festival has come and gone. Based on all the media coverage and photos I saw on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and even Google +, Oklahoma may never be the same. We’ll remember that weekend forever, or at least until Mumford and Sons’ music becomes dated and a punchline in 5 years.
I actually didn’t attend the festival, but based on conversations I had with some friends, it was a well-organized, fun event. The only problem was the town of Guthrie turned into a gigantic Millennial meat market after the show. This led to a lot of people asking this question the next day “Was the person I hooked up with homeless or a Mumford and Sons fan?”
If you asked that question, today is kind of your lucky day. I have developed a quiz that’s been scientifically designed to help you differentiate between a homeless person and a Mumford and Sons fan. It should be noted that the two are not mutually exclusive.
Here’s how this will work. Pick the answer that best suits your feelings/reaction. Keep track of your answers and there will be a key at the end to let you know if you are dating a fan of folk rock or a vagrant.
Can your significant other name a song by Mumford and Sons that is not “I Will Wait”?
A) Yes, they can name every track on Babel.
B) No, they only enjoy the hits… that one hit. The only good song on that stupid album.
C) I’m not sure, but they do seem to be humming a Mumford and Sons tune whilst pooping in a bucket under a bridge.
How many $40 six packs of beer did you consume at the festival?
A) None, that’s way too expensive.
C) I brought my own moonshine
During a random hookup at a music festival, you remember you haven’t washed your nether regions in two days, do you:
A) Say “screw it,” I’m never gonna see this person again, and continue with the hookup.
B) Play your old mandolin.
C) Realize that you aren’t at a music festival at all. You must have wandered into a tent city off Shields Blvd.
You hear a folksy cover of The Beatles hit “Come Together,” do you:
A) Grab the person you love and sing together.
B) Mention that this is SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE ORIGINAL to anyone within earshot.
C) Pick the lice out of your companions hair and eat them.
What is the best thing about your boyfriend/girlfriend?
A) The sweet way they treat me.
B) Their slender sexy body.
C) The way they look drinking Listerine.
In bed, how interested is your partner in finding out about your needs?
A) They always ask, “How does this feel?” type questions.
B) They just pump away in silence, avoiding eye contact.
C) They aren’t well versed on Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, thus are just glad they have shelter.
Your significant other is sunburned and dehydrated, is this because:
A) They spent the weekend taking a tour of Historic Downtown Guthrie.
B) They went to an outdoor music festival and didn’t bring sunscreen
C) They spent the weekend asking strangers for money because it pays better than minimum wage.
What kind of clothing does your boy/girlfriend normally wear?
A) Classy clothes, suits and stuff.
B) Whatever stuff they found at the Thrift Shop.
C) Whatever stuff they found at the Thrift Shop.
If your most common answer was “A,” then you hooked up with a contributing member of society. Feel free to get married, have kids and get tested for HIV.
If you answered predominately “B,” then you need to be careful. The person was probably homeless, but are functioning homeless and get by calling themselves “hipsters.”
If you answered mostly “C’s” then you are dating a Mumford and Sons fan. Stay away from these people, they like crappy music. If you don’t want to be bored to death hearing stories about Radiohead’s early albums, find a nice homeless person to date. They have almost no knowledge of Radiohead.
Spencer can be found listening to Katy Perry on Spotify, or making jokes on Twitter @SpencerLenox.
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