Black Friday represents everything that is wrong with our society. Throngs of a-holes stampeding their way through a Best Buy to save a few bucks on some piece of crap their child doesn’t need. Buying Christmas gifts brings out the worst in people, so it doesn’t break my heart when I hear news stories about how a few people were trampled at Wal-Mart or beaten up over a bra at Victoria’s Secret. That guy should have known better. My hands were on it first.
Since I don’t want any of our readers getting hurt, I have compiled a list of survival tips for Black Friday:
First things first, you’re gonna want to take up two, even three parking spaces if you have a truck or Hummer. If you have a small car, pull all the way into the spot so when others are driving by they’ll think it’s an open spot and then cuss at your Prius when they find out the space is occupied. Or you can do what others do at Penn Square and park on the grass. If anyone give you any guff for doing that, just say, “You’d better Redneck-a-nize,” like Honey Boo Boo. If that doesn’t work, make a Duck Dynasty reference.
2.) Carry a gun
Oklahoma is an open carry state, so use this loophole to get a great place in line. If the store doesn’t allow guns, have one of your kids take your weapon back to the car after you intimidate your way to the front.
3.) Use Bear Grylls survival techniques
If you aren’t going to bring a gun, you’re going to be waiting around for a long time. Bring a piss jar so you don’t lose your spot in line. And if you get thirsty while you’re shopping, voila! You’ve got something to sip on.
4.) Box out your opponents
Oklahomans are a fat people. Use this to your advantage and box out the people behind you. Also, you’ll probably still be digesting some turkey from the day before, drop a few triptophan farts to give yourself some *ahem* breathing room.
5.) Don’t forget to walk on the backs of lesser people
If someone falls, by all means, walk on them. We shouldn’t help the weak. Capitalism doesn’t reward the weak… unless you’re one of the bankers that destroyed the economy, in that case, enjoy the hefty bonus paid for by the taxpayers! Also, you won’t go to jail for being part of a stampede, or destroying the economy. Hooray for herd mentality!
Don’t bother checking out after picking up your Christmas items. This will cut down on the crazy lines inside the store. Plus, these big corporations have insurance for stuff like that. You’re practically doing them a favor!
7.) Wait for “Small Business Saturday”
Avoid the hustle and bustle of those big stores by shopping local at a small business. Remember small businesses? Yeah, they are the businesses that make up a huge chunk of jobs in our country. I think it’s fitting that you should support your local businesses the day after you blow all your money at giant chain stores, but you can’t buy an Xbox from an Etsy shop.
8.) Shopping carts and scooters
After you breached the entrance to the store you’re going to need something that takes up a lot of space and hinders anyones movement. Hop on one of the scooters and grab a shopping cart, pull the cart along side you so that you are two-wide. Now no one will be able to pass you as you traverse down the aisles!
If intimidation and force are not your style, try going incognito. Minutes before the doors open, dress like Santa and bring a Salvation Army kettle and bell with you, start ringing your bell and collecting change at the front of the line. As soon as those doors open, kick that kettle over to buy yourself some precious time as you run inside.
Black Friday sucks for a lot of reasons, getting up early is probably my biggest beef. Next, would be dealing with all the butt holes. But if you go out on Black Friday, be nice to people. Remember that it’s just stuff. If you find yourself getting angry at the crowds or the stores, just think of this picture of Katy Blakely. She’s so adorable, how could you be upset after looking at her?
Stay safe out there and if you need backup on Black Friday, shoot me a tweet, @SpencerLenox. I’ll be there in a jiffy!
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