Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

20 Derplahoman Comments about Marriage Equality from KFOR’s Facebook Wall…

Kern/Fallin

As I’m sure you’ve heard by now, marriage equality is on its way to Oklahoma. On Tuesday, a federal judge ruled that our state’s 2004 amendment banning gay marriage is unconstitutional. Because our state’s leaders enjoy wasting taxpayers dollars on things like this, the ruling is being appealed.

From NewsOK.com:

A federal judge in Tulsa struck down Oklahoma’s ban on same-sex marriage as unconstitutional on Tuesday but prevented his ruling from going into effect while the issue makes its way through appeals.

Senior U.S. District Judge Terrence C. Kern, ruling more than nine years after Oklahoma voters overwhelmingly approved a statewide question to prohibit same-sex marriage, said the ban discriminated against same-sex couples for no rational reason.

Yes, a judge named Kern is the person who struck down Oklahoma’s ban on gay marriage. As I mentioned on Tuesday, you win, cosmic forces of irony that control the universe. First you name the most powerful family in the state “Gaylord,” and now this. Maybe tomorrow we’ll find out that Emily Sutton’s middle name is England.

Kern released his ruling in a 68-page badass decision that made a lot of sense. Here are some highlights:

After dissecting the arguments supporters voiced to justify the ban, Kern said that “moral disapproval of homosexuals as a class, or same-sex marriage as a practice, is not a permissible justification.”

Moreover, he said, protecting the sanctity of marriage wasn’t a valid reason for the ban, given Oklahoma’s high divorce rate of opposite-sex couples, and encouraging procreation wasn’t logical either since opposite-sex couples aren’t required to say they’ll produce offspring in order to get a marriage license.

“Equal protection is at the very heart of our legal system and central to our consent to be governed,” Kern said in his 68-page decision.

“It is not a scarce commodity to be meted out begrudgingly or in short portions. Therefore, the majority view in Oklahoma must give way to individual constitutional rights.”

Of course, Tuesday’s ruling sent the bible thumping, homophobic arm of the Derplahoman army into full disarray. Derplahomans, in case you forgot, are those ignorant, usually uneducated, simple folk who think Obama is a Muslim communist dictator, want prayer (and guns) allowed in public schools, and believe gay people are the biggest threat to the country. They live around you, work around you, and vote for all the bat-shit crazies that run this state.

Anyway, these Derplahoman’s couldn’t believe that a judge would have the nerve to overrule the homophobic desires of the people. Of course, they turned to the Facebook pages of local TV stations to voice their frustrations. Because it’s what we do, I decided to go through the KFOR Facebook page and find some of the craziest, most bizarre statements. Once again, all these comments are totally real.

First you have the guy who thinks Judge Kern and all other “fags” should be put on an island and blown to little tiny gay bits:

Bradley Wright Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Of course, blowing them up would be kind of pointless. Especially when you consider that gay people are going to burn:

Jonathan Jones Oklahoma Facebook Marriage Equality

In all fairness, most of the derps were not that extreme. They were basically upset that a liberal activist judge overruled the will of the people to blatantly discriminate and deny rights to citizens based upon sexual orientation.

Brian Gordon Facebook Oklahoma Marriage Equality

I’m not a civics teacher or anything, but I’d probably guess when the Constitution was first ratified in the late 18th century.

Rachel Vowell Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Good question. What is the point of having the people vote on pandering, theologically driven laws that infringe on the rights of the minority? If those laws are just going to be ruled unconstitutional by the judicial branch, why vote for them? It kind of seems like a wasteful, stupid thing to do. Perhaps those voters should simply open their minds and try to cope with their irrational fears and phobias. That’s just a thought, though.

Sarah Stone Facebook Oklahoma

Okay, there’s this thing called the Constitution. I think it was used a plot device in one of the Nick Cage treasure hunter movies. Or was that the Declaration of Independence? Regardless, the Constitution is this really old yellow document that basically lays the foundation and sets the roles of the federal government. It was created with a series of “checks and balances” to prevent one branch of government from gaining too much power. As part of it, the judicial branch has the power to overturn discriminatory laws that the “voters” want (for example, draconian legislation that discriminates against people based on sexual orientation). I’m not sure your thick head is able to comprehend all that, but I figured I’d give it a shot.

Mike Dunning Facebook Oklahoma marriage equality

Although it would have been hysterical if he did, at least the judge didn’t use a penis pump in court. And speaking of “penis pumps,” get out your magnifying glass and check out the machine gun that Mike is holding in that picture. He’s obviously not trying to overcompensate for anything.

David Coberley Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

I’d say it’s about as funny and pathetic as this:

David cobberly

That’s either the world’s worst haircut or the worst toupee. It’s so bad I can’t tell which one it is. Regardless, can we go ahead make that guy the face of all Derplahomans? He seems like a good choice.

Doug Davis Oklahoma Facebook Marriage Equality

Wow. I can’t believe it took us this long to get to an Obama Muslim reference! Usually that’s how most of these comments begin.

Ignoring that ignorant fact, Doug’s post really makes me wish I paid more attention at Vacation Bible School. That way, I could respond to his comment with one of those obscure verses or laws from the bible that people no longer practice or follow. Something like how people are not supposed to eat pork, work on Sunday or have sex with cattle. You know, those biblical rules and customs that people like Doug Davis probably break on a regular basis.

Angie Selvey Facebook

If Angie thinks that Judge Kern is a “fag” because he ruled in favor of marriage equality, I wonder what she thinks about Judge Judy. I guess that would make her a shady low-life slumlord who walked out on her own lease. Also, if you are going to imply something like that, at least have fun. Maybe write “I bet he wrote his ruling while listening to Bette Midler and eating Mint Milanos.”

In addition to the people who thought Kern was an activist judge, we have some legal scholars who knew this ruling violated state’s rights:

David McNabb Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Actually, the Constitution does guarantee marriage rights. It falls under the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th amendment. It requires each state to provide equal protection under the law to all people within its jurisdiction. The clause was the basis for Brown v. Board of Education (1954), the Supreme Court decision that precipitated the dismantling of racial segregation, and for many other decisions rejecting irrational or unnecessary discrimination against people belonging to various groups. Granted, I pulled that from Wikipedia and not the bible so the Derp doesn’t care, but I thought it would be fun to point out.

Taylor Wilson Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Let’s be real here. You’re a fucking nut.

Also, Redneck Riots is the name of my new hardcore Red Dirt Band.

Dustin Dewbre Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

By using Dustin’s logic, state’s should then be allowed to enact stricter gun control laws and ban certain religions, right? I’m sure he’d agree with that.

Some Derplahomans took the slippery slope approach to gay marriage. Obviously, if gay marriage is allowed in Oklahoma, the next step will be bestiality:

Jason Turner Facebook Oklahoma Marriage Equality

Let’s be honest. Watching Bambi’s mom “marr” Garfield would be kind of cute.

Others warned us that history may repeat itself:

Ray Garrett Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

This is actually true. It was the Marriage Equality Edict of 375 that destroyed Rome, and not the wars, internal fighting and / or bad rulers who tried to limit the rights of the people.

kris ramber facebook oklahoma Marriage Equality

Maybe Kris would enjoy living in a place like North Korea, Russia or even Iran? They don’t “embrase” immoral gay lifestyles.

Lots, if not all, of the Derps are scared of marriage equality because it conflicts with their conservative Christian beliefs.

Chantelle Townsend Facebook Marriage Equality

If God is #1, then Judge Kern just returned a missed field goal 109 yards for a touchdown. Seriously, if some supernatural, all-powerful being in the sky didn’t want gay marriage, why would he let an activist judge overturn it?

Chris Hazen Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

Let me think like a Derplahoman for a second. Global Warming is a massive hoax perpetuated by the world’s leading scientists, yet legalizing gay marriage turns everyone into homosexuals and leads to the fall of mankind. Also, evolution is faulty science and women were created by ribs.

Darelyn Miner Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

According to my sources, it is still legal to read a bible in Oklahoma. You can even use them in gay weddings.

Stanley Heath Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

That must be a quote from the popular Rainbow Bigot’s Bible.

Let’s close with one more post:

Dennis Kosmicki Oklahoma Facebook marriage equality

thank you for ur dissertation regarding the gay marriage and for comparing it to illegal drug use and not using paragraphs capital letters or punctuation marks that are not exclamation points otherwise id have to take you seriously!!!! my point is that ur writing reads like someone PLACED a keyboard in a hole designed to discard decaying bacteria and toxins and put it on my computer screen!!!! i guess you got it figure out.

-

Anyway, that’s it for this Derplahoman round-up. Please remember that not every comment was that crazy. There were some brave souls who ventured into the deep end to argue with this folks. The Cimmarron Alliance should give them a medal of bravery or something.

Also, congratulations to all of our gay Ogle Moles who will soon have the same rights as the heterosexual peers to plan weddings and get divorced. Watch what you wish for.

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Comments

  1. FYI: Prayer IS allowed in school as long as it is student-led and does not interfere with the educational mission. Government employees (e.g., teachers, administrators) cannot lead prayers in schools. Everyone just says “prayer is not allowed in schools” and that is constitutionally incorrect. Just sayin’.

    • And when did the pledge get banned? Damn idiots. And how does one’s head not explode after saying one wished everyone kept “there” thoughts to “there self” and then goes on to spew their hateful thoughts?

      • The way I see it, if we’re going to give the green light to gay marriage, we should give the green light to close relatives marrying one another, and give the green light to people who want multiple spouses. At some point, society is going to have to set boundaries if we want any semblance of a society.

          • If gay marriage is legalized, then incest and polygamy should be legalized too. Love is love, right? That’s what you’re all saying about gay marriage, or are there a bunch of hypocrites on here who think that it’s ok for gays to marry but not close relatives? What kind of society do we want? Seems like people don’t want any boundaries… that should make things interesting in this country!

            • Hey Serene – according to your precious Bible, incest and polygamy are already okay!

              In all fairness, I have no problem with polygamy as long as it is between consenting ADULTS, not young girls being forced to marry older men for some twisted religious purpose. And hey, if you’re down with humping your brother, that’s your business, not mine, as long as you are a consenting ADULT.

            • This may be a minority opinion, but I believe that consenting adults who happen to be close relatives probably should be allowed to marry in a free society. I think it would be remarkably uncommon and would probably lead to a high prevalence of birth defects in affected offspring, but it doesn’t infringe on the freedom of others, and might even stop some doomsayers from using it as a slippery-slope argument against reasonable legislation.

              Polygamy is a different matter entirely due to the legal protections afforded by the institution of marriage. Those legal protections cannot be spread out among multiple spouses without overcoming some serious bureaucratic hurdles.

              Unfortunately, that’s what many anti-equality advocates seem to be forgetting – the reason this was struck down by a judge and not the pope – marriage equality is a LEGAL issue due to the nature of the LEGAL protections afforded by the government upon the institution. One’s personal views of morality (or even those of a majority in a state) can’t be used to suppress the LEGAL rights of a minority population – hence, the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment.

            • Hey Serene, you are a freaking idiot. Incest is illegal because of the potential to produce genetically defective children. Polygamy is a legal issue to overcome. Neither of these is anywhere close to being the same as same sex marriage. I know, the next thing is people marrying their pets, right?

              Idiot.

            • Unless you are gay, or want multiple spouses, or even want to marry your brother, then what business is it of yours? I don’t see how any of these choices involve or influences you unless you are interested in one of the three.

      • That would be the difference between us and them, I think. We are able to hear that a man is gay (because it’s only ever *really* about the gay men) without immediately imagining, and then permanently fixating on, what he does with his ding dong.

  2. Hilarious. Ridiculous, but hilarious. The marring of does and cats had me rolling.

    The machine gun reference was about as immature as someone saying a man is gay because he drives a Miata (I neither drive a Miata or own a “machine gun”). But whatever.

  3. The best part is that Judge Kern has long been known as one of the most conservative judges around. Now he’s an “activist.” That’s the Derps’ new word du jour: “Activist Judge.”

    • You’re wrong Blake. “you think it should be wrong for Christians to marry”, you mean people who try to live their lives in accordance to the Ten Commandments;
      Thou shalt have no other gods
      No graven images or likenesses
      Not take the LORD’s name in vain
      Remember the sabbath day
      Honour thy father and thy mother
      Thou shalt not kill
      Thou shalt not commit adultery
      Thou shalt not steal
      Thou shalt not bear false witness
      Thou shalt not covet it’s astonishing… This list of commandments which represents a model for Christians to live by doesn’t look to awful to me. In fact, if the majority of people didn’t live their lives with guidelines or morals the world would be chaotic and rotten. I am a Christian and if LGBT community wants equal marriage then let them love who they want. This war on marriage equality is important because LGBT couples want a tax break and a label of perminance and commitment. However, the word marriage was introduced within biblical text and representative of the joining of woman and man, so that is a label of Christianity. I have been taught to be compassionate and to not be judgmental. Being gay has been called a sin in the bible but so has premarital sex and I’m pretty sure many of us have broken that scripture.
      I’m so sick of people lumping Republicans, Liberals, Christians, Atheists, Activists into a stereotyped group. I am a Republican Christian, who is socially liberal and fiscally conservative. So stop throwing hate on Christians!

      • The Bible’s definition of marriage can be confusing and contradictory, noted the scholars. They stated in their column that a primary example of this is the religious book’s stance on polygamy, a practice that was embraced by prominent biblical figures Abraham and David. Furthermore, Avalos, Cargill and Atkinson point out that various Bible passages mention not only traditional monogamy, but also self-induced castration and celibacy, as well as the practice of wedding rape victims to their rapists.

        • I agree with you. I believe this has much to do with the lack of government structure and institutions during biblical times.

          Polygamous marriage doesn’t become a technical legal problem until government laws are enacted to protect legally married citizens. Abraham and Sarah lived in tents, without much government intervention, and David was a king who could make decrees at will. Hence, no legal problems.

          Today, as far as I know, self-induced castration isn’t illegal, nor is consensually marrying one’s rapist – the problems only come in when the bible is used as a legal manuscript forcing individuals to perform life-altering acts (such as self-mutilation and matrimony).

          The bible is a book, written by men, edited by men, for a purpose, in a time and place. Unfortunately, logical debate necessarily ceases when it is claimed to be inerrant and therefore a magical hammer with which to forcibly nail all modern questions into submission.

      • “This war on marriage equality is important because LGBT couples want a tax break and a label of perminance and commitment. ”

        Ia that all YOU really think of the ‘sanctity’ of marriage? Imagine two women, who have been in a relationship for over twenty years, not being able to say goodbye to eachother after a car wreck condemns one of them to death because only “family” is allowed to go beyond a certain point at the hospital. Imagine an adopted child losing both of her parents when only one of them dies because her parents were never married and therefore never shared “parental rights”. Imagine a terminally ill cancer patient denied health insurance through his or her partners work all because they are the same sex and can’t be legally married. I could go on. Maybe the concept was founded by Christians, but times change..and all people deserve equal treatment.

      • Marriage predates your religion and your God. It is nothing but a social construct which has been happening since man figured out he could sell his daughter for some other mans bit of land. Yepp, books other than your dusty tome written by desert nomads are generally encouraged reading.

      • Hayles, your head is becoming dangerously close to exploding. Just put down your Bible and step away before someone gets hurt.

        • Better yet, pick up that Bible and read it until you can read the message without losing it in the minutae. You know, love thy neighbor, do unto others that which you would want others to do unto you, etc.

          • shel and Johnson and all others commenting in reply to my post, you’re obviously taking everything I say out of context to serve the purpose of reassuring your own opinions. I do love thy neighbor that’s why I stated that I support the commitment of LGBT couples, meaning the allowance of equal marriage rights. Do not tell me to put down my Bible or imply that my opinion is LESS than yours. The bible has taught me to be compassionate, therefore I will not allow your hate to upset me. I do not appreciate the lumping of conservatives, Republicans, and Christians into a stereotype of uneducated individuals, ignorance, and hate. I do believe that it stated that homosexuality is a sin in the bible; with that said, I said premarital sex, and divorce are also stated as a sin, and many Christians have committed these sins, myself included. That is why I will not cast a stone on others because it would be hypocritical. Again, you took my comments out of context and probably failed to see the post in which I replied to that said,”Christians should not be able to marry.” Stop making the war on marriage a war on Christians. I am Christian and I support gay marriage.

  4. Derps, just need to know that’s how the system works. Just like State Question 688 where over 70% of voters approved the idea of Oklahoma wineries to sell directory to retail stores and restaurants. The Oklahoma Liquor Warehouses sued ABLE saying it was unconstitutional, and the judge overturned the people’s vote. They are judges for a reason.

  5. More immoral than gay marriage is divorce. Most gays have been together longer than straight couples stay married.Oklahoma has one of the highest divorce rates. Gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, again, we’re one of the fattest states in the nation. Maybe all of these fat “moral Christian” will eat themselves to death. Problem solved. The lowest level of hell is reserved for hypocrites.

  6. the man who wrote the declaration of independence fucked his slave. that seems pretty perverse coming from a founding father.

  7. Thanks for this. People need to be publicly shamed when they say awful, terrible, insane things on the internet.

    • I agree. The sad thing to me and many others, however, is that apparently these people are not ashamed of what they say.

      I’m grateful that I know who they are now, however, so that I may be kind to them — and I mean that. These people are hurting on many more levels than whom they accuse and condemn.

  8. Thanks soooooo much for this comic relief The Lost Ogle… this is priceless, most of these precious individuals was too busy throwing paper wads in school and not paying attention, hence there lack of spelling, context, history knowledge, and basic lack of context.
    I’ll say this once, Straight people, IF YOU DON’T WANT GAY BABIES, STOP MAKING US!
    Everyone have an outstanding week! :)

  9. What I find funny is I believe I caught a spelling and grammar error in every single one of those posts.

  10. The problem with the dirty little Christian mind is they only think same-sex marriage is about sex. You prevented dirt bags need to understand that it’s about who is cooking dinner tonight, who is going to take the car into the shop, who’s family are we spending Thanksgiving with this year, why does the dry cleaner always break my buttons, the furnace just scrapped out, and all the other familiar stuff that marriage is about. After all that, do you think sex is the first thing on their minds? If you think ‘yes’, you are the perverted sicko.

  11. gays allowed to marry in oklahoma????? what’s next – liquor stores and car dealers will be open on sunday?

  12. I LIKE, how the last guy makes a half way decent point so you attack his grammar. That’s cheap man, and makes you look foolish. The rest of the people pretty well make themselves look stupid with their ignorant opinions. You should have just left that last guy out and you would have won this one. Now, you look just as petty as them.

    • How is comparing sex to drug use beyond the most superficial connection anything other than just plain derpy?

  13. Where to begin? I’ve seen so much stupid it’s made my head hurt and I think I need a Bromo-Seltzer.

  14. From what I am reading from the comments posted with this article is; All so-called Christians are Bigots. What happened to Love thy neighbor. Let me ask you Christians a question; 1. Do you believe in god? 2. Do you believe there is a Satan? If you answered yes to both of these questions than you are a Satanist. I am proud to be an Atheist. I do not believe in either one and yet your ignorance towards us only shows your intelligence level.

  15. “Although it would have been hysterical if he did, at least the judge didn’t use a penis pump in court. And speaking of “penis pumps,” get out your magnifying glass and check out the machine gun that Mike is holding in that picture. He’s obviously not trying to overcompensate for anything.”

    Thank you, TLO for making the entire office laugh!

  16. Patrick
    You provide a public service very time you post the derp comments, because it prevents me from ever going to the TV station comment pages. If I had to read the shit stack back to back with no common sense commentary, I would get depressed. And when you get depressed, you drink too much. And when you drink too much, you have sex with a goat. Don’t have sex with a goat. Read the Lost Ogle instead.

  17. Exactly, Goober! Only I think I may need a Vicodin for the pain these posts are causing me! And regarding the (lack of) grammar/spelling in those posts … I find it sad that these people can’t express themselves in writing. But I’m not surprised; if they can’t think for themselves, why would I expect them to be able to write? Sigh …

  18. The level of hatred, ignorance, bigotry, poor spelling and bad grammar in this state is downright depressing

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