Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Some guy tried to fight the police with a machete

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Meet Norm Osteen, who I assume has no relation to that Texas megachurch president. He’s just a regular scary looking dude, who probably likes to spend his time collecting ‘do-rags, sketching knuckle tattoo designs, and wielding machetes.

Wait, what?

From News on 6:

TULSA, Oklahoma - Police tased then arrested a Tulsa man they say threatened his girlfriend and officers with a 20-inch machete early Tuesday.

Police were called to The Place apartment complex in the 7900 block of South Yale at 12:30 a.m.

Officers said they found Norm Osteen, 42, in the parking lot holding the machete over his head. Police said Osteen walked toward an officer and said, “You’re going to have to kill me.”

Police say they tased Osteen then arrested him.

Police Corporal Brandon Disney said Osteen’s girlfriend told them Osteen had threatened her with the machete before police arrived.

Officers told News On 6 Osteen was under the influence of alcohol and Xanax.

They booked Osteen into the Tulsa County jail on complaints of assault with a deadly weapon and assault with a deadly weapon on a police officer. Jail records show he was being held in lieu of a $30,000 bond with a court appearance set for January 29.

Questions…

A) 79th and Yale veers very, very close to South Tulsa territory. I’m fairly certain that 2 blocks away is within the Jenks School district. Color me shocked that a dude with face tats and Satan’s beard is allowed that close to a booster club mom. I bet he hangs out of biker bars and has a platinum membership on Suicide Girls…not that there’s anything wrong with that.

B) Where does one go about buying a machete aside from the Renaissance Fair? This isn’t a product that you just come across at your neighborhood Walmart or Target.

C) My mom grew up in a Malaysian orphanage, and once told me that one of her weekly chores was to cut the grass with a machete. I know that’s not a question and has very little to do with this article in general, but every time I think about trying cut flimsy blades of grass without an opposing force, my brain starts to hurt.

D) Speaking of attackers, tasers, and said Asian mother, my mom once bought me a can of wasp spray and tried to convince me to carry it in my purse. She said it was better than a stun gun because you could shoot it from 20 feet away. Has anyone tried this? Does it actually work? Because it seems to me like that would be a more prudent method of fighting off policemen than said, guns or knives. This way they could plead Not Guilty by way of an insect extermination mishap. It’d be the criminal version of slapping your friend in the face and blaming your action on a rogue mosquito.

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Comments

    • When I hear the word “machete”, I forget that it’s still a common tool used to cut brush and weeds. Instead, my pea-sized brain puts it in the same category as a katana sword, which is probably way more exotic and harder to get.

  1. I bought my machete at a flea market. It was cheaper to buy it there than at an army surplus store down the street from where I work. Among other things, I use a machete for chopping briars on my land, cutting baler twine and slicing boneless ham. I can find a 1,000 uses for my machete before I would even think of threatening someone with it.

  2. $30,000.00 bail for machete attack on girlfirend (I’m going to go with ex-girlfried though even starting out with that/him is pretty desperate) and police. It was $50,000.00 and change for drunk horse riding with small children the other day.

    People, we need standards!

  3. You can find a very respectable machete, including nylon scabbard with belt loops, at Lowe’s or Home Depot. Right next to the pole loppers and mauls and all the other stuff that looks like it belongs in a medieval armory.

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