We’ve all heard the doom and gloom facing the United States Postal Service. (I use their full name lest you think I’m referring to that Ben Gibbard band that isn’t Death Cab for Cutie.) There’s no money. People don’t write letters anymore. Maybe we won’t get letters on Saturdays. (Did this already happen? I don’t know because my mailbox is pretty empty except for junk.) Stamps apparently now cost $400 each. Or something. Honestly, I don’t know. I have a book of Forever Stamps that I bought before I could legally drink, and I’m pretty sure I’ll pass those down to my offspring.
So it only stands to reason that a postal worker would have to diversify his/her portfolio, so to speak. Because while rain and snow won’t stop them, severe budget cuts just might. But when you spend your whole day delivering mail, it’s hard to get a side gig up and running. What’s a mail carrier to do? Traffic drugs through the mail, of course. According to NewsOK.com:
EDMOND — A postal worker was jailed after investigators said he was trafficking drugs through the mail.
Art Lee Ladd, 57, was arrested Friday and booked into Oklahoma County jail. He was released Saturday on $42,500 bail, authorities said.
During a search of Ladd’s home at 912 Bel Air Ave. in Edmond, police said they found 2.4 pounds of marijuana and 25.5 grams of methamphetamine.
Ladd, a mail carrier at the Martin Luther King Jr. Post Office in Oklahoma City, told Edmond police and a postal inspector that he had intercepted packages at the station for friends who were selling drugs.
He told inspectors he brought the drugs home and would later give them to his friends, court documents show.
Man, that’s a lot of drugs. Can you imagine the shipping costs? Well, I assume he used one of those flat rate boxes, so it probably wasn’t that bad. And while this is terribly illegal and besmirches the good name of the USPS, can I just say that I’m glad this is the sort of illegal activity we have going on at an Oklahoma post office, given our history and all?
All in all, I don’t think this is the worst thing that could be done with the mail. Sure, drugs are bad and blah blah blah. But think about it. Is 2.4 pounds of pot really that big of a deal when you consider all the heinous things that could be done with the post? In case you can’t think of these things, I’ve made a list of the top 5 most heinous crimes that are totally worse than sneaking drugs through the mail.
1. Red Plum Barrage
At first, those Red Plum coupons may seem pretty okay. But they just keep coming, and you never use them. Sure, they have some pretty sweet Long John Silvers coupons in them, but considering you haven’t eaten at an LJS since 2001, you don’t really need it. Now, imagine if, in addition to the twice-weekly Red Plum packets you already receive, you started receiving more. The horror! Your recycling bin can’t handle that. At best, it’s a nuisance. At worst, it’s a fire hazard that could potentially cause some Grey Gardens-level paper hoarding in your dining room. And your mail carrier has the power to bring this on you at any given moment.
2. Nielsen Survey Plunder
I’ve never gotten to take a Nielsen Survey, but I hear that you get some nice crisp dollars in the mail if you do. Just imagine what a joy it is to put those fresh babies in a vending machine. Now, imagine that you’re super stoked to put one of those dollars in a vending machine so you can have a PayDay. You’ve filled out your survey, unabashedly admitting to never missing an episode of the Real Housewives franchises, and you’re waiting for that mad skrilla to hit your mailbox. But it never comes because your mailman is a jerk and he put those dollars in a vending machine and got something stupid like LifeSavers.
3. Bed Bath and Beyond Coupon Caper
I don’t think I’m alone in not wanting to live in a world where I have to pay full price for Yankee Candles or a tool that was designed specifically to de-stem a strawberry. Those Bed Bath and Beyond coupons are like free money in the mailbox. And your postal worker knows this. And if you didn’t receive a coupon one week, you’d feel the hurt. Because you’d get to the counter with your Soda Stream and the cashier would ask if you had any coupons, and you wouldn’t. Don’t think that hurt is somehow less than drug trafficking.
4. The Ol’ Bat to the Mailbox
Marisa fun fact: my senior year of high school I had to do a PowerPoint presentation on Chernobyl and I likened the explosion to “a pipe bomb in a mailbox.” My teacher held me after class and talked to me to make sure that I had never done anything unsavory to a mailbox. I assured her I hadn’t, but you know, your mailman totally could. Not only is his steering wheel on the wrong side of the little jeep, but he’s in prime position to lean out the side and bash your mailbox with a bat. And that would be a pain to fix. You’d definitely think your mailman was a jerk in that situation.
5. The Neighbor Switcheroo
I don’t think I’m alone when I say that I don’t want to talk to my neighbors. Creepy Bob and Diane live on one side and they are a constant reminder that I will be old someday and will probably get really excited about grandkids and potted plants. That depresses me. Then, there’s some other dude on the other side of my house and he has a dog that likes to jump in my car and a son who steals Victoria’s Secret catalogs from my mailbox and enjoy them for his “alone time” in his backyard fort. I have reason to believe that my mailman knows this and likes to punish me occasionally by giving me my neighbor’s mail. Then I’m forced to go chat with them for a second so I can give them their mail and they can give me mine. That is, if it isn’t in a sticky pile in a backyard fort.
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