Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

7 Worst Kinds of Neighbors

Film Title: Neighbors

I’m a new homeowner, and it took me less than a year to realize that well–the people who live around you are the absolute worst.

Growing up, I always heard my parents groan whenever they heard someone mention “neighborhood association,” but their level of hatred and contempt for the self-appointed residential street police is something that you have to experience to fully understand. And back then, neighborhood associations only consisted of a $50 yearly fee, a phone directory, and a meeting once every few months. Nowadays, we’ve got Facebook pages, email blasts, and Nextdoor app networks to wade through on a daily basis. I gave these people my contact info a month or so ago when a serial rapist was running around Tulsa. Now, I’ve opened Pandora’s box. The neighborhood nazis have got me trapped into their endless threads of pointless minutia for life.

In honor of this vicious slap in the face of the harsh reality of suburban living, I’ve decided to list out the top seven most annoying neighbors that I have, and that quite possibly you have too. Check them out after the jump.

1. The Perpetual Remodelers

Initially, you might be excited when you notice that eyesore of a residence across the street is finally being gutted. But first comes the POD in the driveway that won’t move for at least 10 months. Then comes a bevy of construction workers with awesome mullets who enjoy listening to Papa Roach on blast. Next, the hammering of shingles on their roof–no later than at 6:30 in the morning.

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2. The Old Crazy Lady

If a elderly woman stops you while you’re mowing to show you a picture of her dog, you’ve most likely run into an O.C.L. If the person next door comes over to talk about a tree you share and doesn’t leave for thirty minutes, you’ve got an O.C.L. on your hands. If you post on Nextdoor or Facebook about a sectional you want to sell and she comments “no thank you I dont like sectionals bad for your posture anyone have a microwave there giving away there are to many stray cats on are street” well, chances are this O.C.L. has left a bizarre, incoherent, un-punctuated and misspelled comment on LITERALLY EVERY SINGLE THREAD on the page.

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3. The Neighborhood Watch Guy

This guy takes it upon himself to organize a street surveillance team, tasked with patrolling the streets every day between 7 am and 10 pm (you know, the peak time for break-ins and robberies). This guy is quick to send out emails, fliers, memos, and social media posts about any suspicious activity, and often starts these updates by mentioning the race of the potential perp. “Suspicious Activity” includes (but is not limited to) people who ride bikes sans exercise attire; men who take walks without children or dogs; anyone with facial hair; or anyone wearing a hoodie.

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4. The Control Freak Lady

So, there’s a time and a place where the hugely bitchy busy-body queen of the ‘hood comes in handy. For example, when old hippies park their ancient RV in their driveway for weeks at a time, or when little kids idiotically lay down flat on their skateboards and glide on hilly streets. Sometimes, this lady is a huge asset–namely when you’re ticked or worried about something, but are too sheepish to do the confronting yourself.

But okay lady, there’s no need for you to ask if I’m carrying a poop bag for my puppy. I’m allowed to occasionally have friends over after 9:00 pm. I’ll weed-whack my yard as soon as I get a cable refill, sheesh!

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5. That House Littered with Toys

Kids are a lovely thing, obviously. I’m not some kind of psycho grinch, and I plan on knocking out a couple in a few years. But let’s all be cool and keep our Fisher-Price collection confined to the garage or backyard after playtime hours. I mean, it just seems reasonable.

A few years ago when I was a new ogle, I wrote this defending a family who was fighting their neighbors over a treehouse in their front yard. I officially want to totally recant this entire post. Have you driven by this house before? It’s a mess! On one of the most expensive and most beautiful streets in Tulsa, the most prominent house is surrounded by jungle gyms, sandboxes, slides, lawn furniture, gnomes, and a cheesy picket fence. The LEAST distracting thing in their yard happens to be the treehouse in question.

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6. The Overly Proud Alumni

The little garden flag is cute. A full-sized flying flag can be tasteful in the right situation. But combine those two with a windsock, a painted curb, a lawn sign, a license plate, a stepping stone, and a doormat all dedicated to the school you graduated from? Seriously man, add another hobby to your repertoire.

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7. The Creepy Recluse

This house looks condemned. It’s probably ensconced by weeds, overgrown trees, and five stray cats. Children circulate rumors about whoever lives there, usually accompanied with scary story about how some kid’s bones are hidden in the house’s walls. You’ve contemplated going over to make sure the person living there hasn’t died or anything, but decided not to because you’re secretly afraid the rumors your kid told you are true.

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Follow Chelsea on Twitter at @xCawoodstock

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Comments

  1. I can’t believe you didn’t mention the animal lovers. The ones with four dogs that bark for hours at every June bug, bird, moth or other microscopic threat within 100 yards of their property.

  2. One of the best movie lines ever was in “the Burbs” (Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Corey Feldman, Carrie Fisher).
    Corey Feldman, while painting his porch was screwing with Bruce Dern who was doing something in his yard, asking him questions and Bruce Dern simply turns and in a growl says…..
    “Shut-up and paint your Goddam house”……….classic

  3. The neighbors who get all freaked out and claim Nazi’s when you ask them about something. Can you please not have your dog shit in my yard or would it be possible to mow your yard, your grass is pretty tall? (It’s at least a foot) Next thing you know, they start waving their arms talking about how they laugh at society’s standards. I am like you live in a house not an f’n apartment complex you have to take care of your place, no one else will.

    • Amen to that! Why do people live in homes if they aren’t going to mow?! I have several neighbors who have no idea what a lawnmower is… they need to move to apartments where they belong!

  4. In Tuttle, I have had two sets of neighbors that have resided in the same house next to me. The first set, you never saw, they never came outside except for once when they let somebody out of their cellar which consisted of a young woman and a baby, (this is my perspective, probably not what happened in the literal sense). They eventually moved and a new set of people moved in and again, you never see them except for once every couple of weeks you’ll see the guy mowing his lawn, which my 12 year old daughter is convinced is Nick Cage, (there is a surprising resemblance). I myself am convinced this house belongs to a set of time travelers or some other entities that are supposed to be undercover and to “observe”. Not necessarily my home and family, but in general because I swear, I was outside one morning around 6:00 having a morning cigarette, all was quiet and a van was parked in their driveway. I stood out there a good five minutes and saw no one, then all of the sudden a man walked out from behind the van, waved and went inside. Kind of freaked me out.
    Call me crazy. LOL

  5. It’s been so long since I lived in a house I’d forgotten all that crap. Depending on your neighbors, apartment life isn’t to bad. If you believe that, I have some ocean front property in Arizona for sale. The days of: cutting the grass exactly on the invisible property line, weed eating only your side of the fence & watering only your yard. Ahhhhh….those were the days.

  6. I “love” when I go outside to enjoy a nice evening only for my neighbors to release their yippy Chihuahua! It’s like listening to nails on a chalkboard. The worst kind of neighbors are the ones who think their dogs can do no wrong!

    • No – the worst kind of neighbors are the ones who think their kids can do no wrong and who let them run amok.

  7. I just had the worst neighbors ever move out. I own half of a duplex, the other side is owned by another party and they rent it out. In the threeish years they have lived next door every single load of laundry they washed has been off balance, they slammed every door, cabinet or drawer. And about six months ago he had a stand off with the police after he discharged his hand gun inside their home, apparently it was part of some domestic dispute. I’m not sure why he didn’t go to prison. Of course now I am worried for who the new tenants will be.

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