As I’m sure you all know, the lottery jackpot is now at $1.3 billion. I’m sure many of you will spend your lunch breaks out buying lottery tickets, just on the off-chance that perhaps you will get to quit your day job and buy some sweet jet skis. I know I have a hella long list of things I would buy if I ever won the lottery (like name brand canned goods when I go to the grocery store and maybe not choose my beer based on what is on special at the bar that night), but I think we need to discuss all the possible options of how to spend all that money so that if someone does win, they make an informed decision. You don’t want to be one of those assholes that squanders all their lottery dollars and winds up broker than they were before they won.
So, with that, I give you this list of 8 things you should buy if you happen to win the lottery!
The Chesapeake Energy Arena
I know that all arenas are generally named after the companies that own them, but I also think that’s super lame. That’s why if you win the lottery, you should by the Chesapeake Energy Arena and rename it. Like, for instance, you could call it the Thunderdome, since that’s where the Thunder plays. Or, since you would have enough money to avoid any sort of consequences, you could call it The House that Fracking Built.
As you read this, I’m riding roller coasters named after plot points in the Harry Potter books as well as trying not to puke on rides named after Marvel characters. That’s right, guys. I’m at Universal Studios. This is my first time at a proper theme park, because I totally don’t count the Six Flags in Arlington, Texas. The reason I don’t count that particular park is because I have been three times in my life, and each time I was there, it rained. Basically the only thing that was open the whole time was that Yosemite Sam’s Gold River Adventure. It sucked.
But this got me to thinking. It’s probably time we got a real amusement park here in Oklahoma. Sure, we have Frontier City, but until they open the Nightmare Mining Co. again, they are officially dead to me. That’s why I’ve decided we should turn the National Weather Service into an amusement park.
Now, here me out, people who think this is a terrible idea. What does an Oklahoman love more than anything, aside from talking shit about the college football team that they don’t root for? That’s right. Weather. We treat our meteorologists like larger than life comic book characters, and some of them even act that way. Weather coverage is already a well-known drinking game, and there isn’t a single weather term that doesn’t lend itself to a vomit-inducing theme park ride.
So with that, I give you my list of potential attractions for the National Weather Service theme park, henceforth referred to as Weather World.
The Maxi Wedge Grinder
When I find myself in need of information, the first thing I usually do is consult the oracle. When the oracle isn’t available, as if often the case with oracles, I then go to Google. Sure, I have entrusted a few very specific people with the task of scrubbing my Google search history, should I expire in an untimely fashion. But generally speaking, Google has all the answers I could need.
It appears my fellow Oklahomans also have a penchant for Googling. Estately created a list of all the things that each state Googled throughout 2015. (Why the blog of a real estate app did this is beyond me. Perhaps Google will have the answer?) According to Estately, here is what Oklahoma Googled the most:
You read that title correctly.
This will be the last edition of Monday Morning Tweets to ever grace this gentle blog. We’ve been running the feature for years, but it’s probably time to quit while we’re ahead. (That’s some advice I wish I had last weekend at the Riverwind, but I digress.) We’ve featured many a tweet in our time, and now we feel as if 2016 is time for a whole new sort of post. While I can’t tell you what the future will bring for the gang here at TLO, I can tell you that if you follow @TheLostOgle on Twitter, you’re likely to see the same caliber of entertainment you usually get from MMT. Oh, and I’m sure you’ll see Patrick skewer the dumb tweets of local celebs as well.
So, without further ado, I give you the last edition of Monday Morning Tweets.
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