Oklahoma City News, Entertainment & Occasional Humor • Established 2007

Author Archive for Marisa – Page 11

6 other things the Carter County Sheriff should be worried about…

While Americans have the right to bear arms, it’s not always something they should do. But don’t tell that to the Carter County Sheriff. In a Facebook post, Sheriff Milton Anthony basically asked the residents of Carter County to form their own militia to fend off the terrorists:

Carter County Sheriff Milton Anthony

Congrats, Carter County, on electing a sheriff who reads and writes at the same level as a third grader! Though, if you ask any third grade teacher in this state, they’d tell you that they wouldn’t accept this assignment until he turned off caps lock, took out all the run-on sentences, and learned how to spell “amendment.” Seriously, you guys. If we think OKC Schools have it rough, I can’t imagine what it’s like down in Carter County. I mean, if this is someone that a majority of voters agree to be a capable person, I shudder to think of what the dregs of that county look like.

Anyway, radical islamic terrorism is definitely something that every Carter County resident should worry about. Sure, the odds of meeting a terrorist in Ardmore, much less fighting a war against one, are small, but you have to be prepared for anything. As a result, here are some other things Sheriff Milton Anthony should warn people about…

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1. The possibility of Two Frogs Grill closing

Want to see anarchy? Head to Ardmore when this place shuts down! The town could handle losing Ponder’s, but not Two Frogs. While we haven’t sent Louis Fowler there to do a food review (yet), it amazing! I dream of eating items like the “Onion Thang” and the “Colossal Cotton Candy.”

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2. Law Enforcement

Fun fact, you’re more likely to get killed by a cop than a terrorist. In 2015, over 1,000 Americans have been killed by law enforcement officials in the country, with Oklahoma leading the way with the highest death rate per capita. But don’t worry about that. Law enforcement officials are just trying to uphold the peace. Follow and obey a cop’s order and there’s a 98% chance you’ll get through your encounter unharmed. Radical Islamic terrorism is the real threat.

Stop hitting owls with your cars, monsters!

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95% of nature is absolutely terrifying. Like you have your butterflies and your cute little flowers and rainbows and lightning bugs. That’s about all the nature I can handle. The rest is allergies and black widow spiders and reproductive cycles and birds of prey. Now, don’t get me wrong. I like a good raptor as much as the next girl. But damn, it sure is hard to get a falconry license in the state of Oklahoma. (Hit me up, falconers in the OKC Metro area if you’re looking to take on an apprentice.) And if I could, I would own a terrifying owl of my very own.

Sure, owls are mean predators that throw up hella gross pellets. And I mean, sure, they are harbingers of doom in like every non-western culture. But I still want one. I mean, if lame old Harry Potter got one to take to Hogwarts, surely I should have one too. Though, that may not be possible if people keep hitting them with their cars. According to KFOR.com:

Monday Morning Tweets

Good morning and happy Monday, buddies. It’s that time of the week again. Yes, that time of the week where we go back to work even though we totally don’t want to and the weekend was absolutely not long enough. Also, little confession here–I’m nowhere near done with Christmas shopping. In fact…as of this writing…I haven’t even started. (Well, I mean, I guess I have. I did order a new collar for my dog, after all.)

Anyway, you’re probably a may more productive person than I am, and don’t struggle with getting things done and just being a functioning member of society the way I do, so your gifts are probably all bought and wrapped. Good on you, if that’s the case. If not, may I offer up a little something to distract you for a bit? It’s just a bunch of tweets from the week before. And, as always, they’re after the jump.

What’s going on at the Pauls Valley Walmart?

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I generally assume that nothing above board is occurring. Sure, some people and organizations may be on the level, but most likely, they aren’t. Look around you right now. Do some shifty eyes like the painting in a haunted mansion in an episode of Scooby Doo. You see all those people in your range of sight? They’re all lying about something. Every last one of them. Folks are shady. It’s the way of things.

It’s a truth universally acknowledged that most companies are also hella sketchy. That’s how you make money, right? By doing sketchy things? I don’t know. The majority of my business knowledge comes from repeated watchings of installments of the Godfather trilogy, so my maybe I have a skewed view. Anyway, I bring this all up because Walmart is being sketchier than usual.

According to KFOR.com:

When the Oklahoma Standard Fails…

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Every Oklahoman has a story about the Oklahoma City bombing. We all remember the news reports, the fear, the stress of trying to find where our loved ones were and if they were okay in a time before cell phones. We all know or know of someone who lost their life that day. And we all feel overwhelmed by emotions when we visit the memorial. But what I always remember is how people didn’t run away from the crumbling building. They ran into it to help others get out.

In May 2013, a tornado tore through Moore causing death and destruction. Schools, businesses, and homes were leveled. The devastation made national news, and for a few weeks, our tragedy remained in the headlines. But the thing that most people were struck by was our response. The day after the tornado, I ran to a Sam’s Club on my lunch break to purchase bottled water and work gloves to donate for the cleanup efforts, only to find that they were sold out already. In fact, the aisles were blocked off so the employees could have a moment to restock them. Every local business was accepting donations or directly helping in the cleanup process.

And that’s what the Oklahoma Standard is. We are united in the act of service to one another. While Oklahoma has grown exponentially, everything still has the small town feel. We all know one another by two degrees of separation or less. Perhaps that’s why people are really trying to make “The Big Friendly” happen. And I tend to agree. On occasion, Oklahoma has renewed my faith in humanity.

Though, admittedly, there are more occasions where Oklahoma has made me lose my faith lately.