There is absolutely nothing about this holiday season that is appropriate. The weather makes me want to go ride bikes and flirt with boys until they buy me snow cones (I’m told that this is the definition of an adult relationship) all while wearing shorts and a tube top. So you’ve got your Christmas tree out? Big deal. I still have my AC on. What’s that, you say? You’ve donated three coats to Warmth 4 Winter? Well, you probably should’ve donated flip flops, son. I know it’s lame when people talk about the weather and how weird it is in Oklahoma, but all of this is leading to a much bigger, much more important point: There is an escaped killer on the loose who may or may not be heading to the metro, and much like the weather, this is not Christmas-appropriate.
Do you have any idea how much of my time in October is spent trying to be scared? I spend literally tens of dollars on movies and haunted houses to get me in the spirit. And, while I will admit, I am technically what some would call “afraid of the dark”, I really enjoy scary things. But not in December. You see, in December, I don’t want to be scared. I want to be depressed about the cold and having to spend time with family and going broke to buy presents. But like everything else with this winter season, Oklahoma is getting the short end of the stick.
Well, here we are readers, at the end of November. November is Latin for “holiday overload.” Maybe. I didn’t take Latin because it’s a dead language, and the notion of speaking to those that have passed terrifies me. Anyway, December is upon us, and I never got tickets for the Mountain Goats show on Monday even though Tony totally told me to do it back in October and that’s only adding to my seasonal affective disorder and Christmas debt induced depression. I’m such a downer, but that’s why they keep me on staff here at The Lost Ogle. I kill the buzz, and ensure that you don’t have too much fun each weekend.
Anyway, here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town!
I refuse to believe that my life experience is unique in anyway, so I assume you readers know what I’m talking about when I ask if you remember singing along to “Second Stage Turbine Blade” in the back of your friend, Beth’s Chevy Lumina while you cruised Edmond and went to go see Hopes the Carrot play at Hafer Park? No? Really? Well, perhaps that was hyper-specific. But I assure you, back in 2002, that the was the thing all the cool kids in Edmond were doing, and by cool kids, I mean the girls who wore Chuck Taylors and hoodies all the time and obsessed about boys in bands.
Anyway, If an integral part of your adolescence involved shouting lyrics like “Jesse! Just come look at what your brother did/Here he did away with me” and never really knowing what the songs were actually about, then I’m sure you’ll be at the Diamond tonight. To this day, even though I don’t have the sort of energy needed to sing along to a song anymore, occasionally I’ll yell out Coheed Lyrics, if only because they’re awfully accusatory and great when you’re drunk. Case in point: “Cannibalistic unfit family ties!”
I remember my days at John Ross Elementary back in Edmond fondly. The day we got new playground equipment, winning student of the month the first month of every school year, and being called fat every day of the first grade by a blonde girl named Megan (who should really check Facebook once in a while because, bitch, your husband is cheating on you). As much as I dog on Edmond, it really was a good place to grow up. The schools were great, and thanks to Megan, I learned how the rest of the world views me and decided to pursue a career where people couldn’t actually see how I look.
Despite my happy memories, I suppose there are those who don’t have them. For example, there’s a 9-year-old from Orvis Risner who has assaulted a teacher.
From the story on NewsOK.com:
What’s up, readers? I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving full of food and family and most likely Pepto-Bismol. Thanksgiving is one of those holidays that really requires stamina and intestinal fortitude, and turning a blind eye when your family drunkenly asks your date inappropriate questions about their life. If you’re lucky, you have today off and can recover from the festivities. And, you’re in luck! I’ve compiled a list of things for you to do on this lazy post-Thanksgiving Friday!
Here’s your Friday Night in the Big Town!
Eat pie for breakfast
Breakfast is generally my least favorite meal of the day. I like a good brunch that involves home fries and mimosas, but the average breakfast just can’t hold a candle to that kind of tastiness. But today, readers, breakfast is awesome! If you’ve never had pie for breakfast, then your life is a meaningless void where your jeans always fit. (Bitch ass skinny bitches…) So grab that pecan pie out of the fridge and throw it in a cereal bowl lest your parents question your breakfast choice and remind you how large you actually are. Bonus points awarded if you eat a pumpkin pie, because that’s like a vegetable and that means it’s healthy.
Well readers, it’s that time of year again. It’s time to max out your credit cards in the name of the season. Is there anything better than spending money on family members you normally can’t stand to spend time with? And if you’re really awful, I’m sure you have plans to leave dinner on Thursday and go stand in line for a million and a half hours so you can elbow your way through people and possibly kill someone to get a good deal. But where will you shop, and what stores have all the things you need to satisfy the people on your list? Don’t worry readers! I’ve compiled a list of items to suit the varied tastes of all the people you have to buy for.
Here’s your Black Friday in the Big Town Shopping Preview!
Bob Stoops weird pinkie gloves
Have you ever watched an OU game and imagined what sort of freak accident occurred when Bob Stoops was a child to make his hands the mangled mess that they are? I do. When he claps, I have to close my eyes because pinkies are not supposed to do that! Even so, Bob’s hands get cold. And if you also suffer from jacked up pinkie disorder, there is now a pair of gloves for you. Sold in black, crimson, and cream.
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